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Mary Worth, 2/14/17

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYBODY! The romance addicts over at Mary Worth are celebrating this very special holiday of romantic love by, uh, having one of its characters bawl her eyes out because she just dumped her hot young boyfriend for no good reason. My favorite thing about this strip is that Mary counseled Iris not once but twice on this issue, coming down on the side of “Yeah, you should definitely date a hot young guy if that feels right to you,” and yet seems to have no idea who Iris might be talking about in panel one. Look, Mary is busy, OK? Mary is dealing with someone keeps writing the same letter to Ask Wendy over and over and over again; she can’t be expected to keep track of which hot young dudes her neighbors may or may not be currently fucking.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/14/17

Rex Morgan is still spinning a tale about selling old horror comics at Comic-Con, which, boring, but I guess the strip remembered it’s supposed to do medical stuff at least occasionally? So, here it is: red-hot dehydration action! You’ll beg for more old horror comics sales!

Funky Winkerbean, 2/14/17

Funky spent all last week at his lawyer’s office making out his will and spiraling into endless anxiety about his upcoming death. Today he learned exactly how he’s going to meet his demise: he accidentally let his driver’s license expire, so the DMV is going to murder him. Not a moment too soon, in my opinion!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/2/17

[looks around anxiously] “Did you hear me? The Morgans are the real heroes here!” [speaking more loudly] “The Morgans! They’re the source of all good in our lives, and in the world! All hail the Morgans! They’re listening right now! [shouting now, really] I WOULD DIE FOR YOU, REX AND JUNE”

Funky Winkerbean, 2/2/17

Remember, kids, you only get to dodge death so many times, and you won’t know the day when your luck runs out until it arrives! Today’s Funky Winkerbean is extremely on brand.

The Phantom, 2/2/17

I may fail to keep you up to date on all the Phantom’s plotlines, but I promise you this: I will never, ever neglect to tell you about a strip that features a lovingly drawn closeup of the Phantom’s ass.

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Spider-Man, 1/31/17

Panel three of today’s Spider-Man is most definitely a portrait of a guy who barely understood what was just said to him in panel two. “Carved images, huh? From … ancestral Pueblo peoples, you say? I guess they carve … images … of things they see … that are interesting? Could they carve Ronan? If you say ‘ancestral,’ does that mean they’re not still around? So they couldn’t carve anything? Or maybe they are still around but they don’t carve images anymore? At least I know that there are exactly 24,000 of them. I’m real solid on that.”

Funky Winkerbean, 1/31/17

I’m not sure how I would describe a clinic where a bored medical tech who isn’t even bothering to make eye contact with you says that your scan looks “very good” right before giving you vague information about ways in which it looks extremely not good and then leaving you twisting in the wind until your next doctor’s appointment who knows how many days from now, but “super” isn’t it! Are these the same people who sent Funky bad prostate cancer news via m-mail eight years ago? Back then he greeted the bad news with heavy-lidded ennui; today we’re approaching genuine panic. That jolt of adrenaline lets you know you’re alive, Funky! You know, for now.