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Mark Trail, 5/31/16

OH SNAP, it’s that time again in this Mark Trail adventure: the time when a young lady misinterprets an innocent act of life-saving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation as an adulterous romantic advance on Mark’s part! Remember, when you’ve stopped breathing due to a build up of water in your lungs, the first thing you’ll feel as you regain consciousness due to someone else forcing air into your respiratory system is languorous erotic delight, right before you puke up a bunch of fluid. Anyway, I can’t decide what I like more: Mark’s bug-eyed startlement at feeling a woman react to his touch with arousal, or his grim-faced explanation that, yes, he is indeed legally bound to another human in the contract that our society calls “marriage,” and he’s very, very happy about it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/31/16

Oh, whoops, it looks like even with its new writer, the Rex Morgan rule about the Morgans always getting free money at all times is still in full effect! The juxtaposition between the sad, dark past when children were forced to watch their favorite comics burn at the whims of puritans, and today, when Rex is rubbing his chin and smirking and thinking about how much money he could get for these smutty comics, is a delight.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/31/16

Finally, the Zodiac Killer has come out of hiding and has cryptographically announced his intention to kill again — right here in Centerville! The best part of this time jump discontinuity is that whenever Pam or Jeff are irritating in Crankshaft, we can console ourselves with the knowledge of their eventual grisly end.

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Hi and Lois, 5/30/16

Wow, the Flagston kids are easily impressed. I don’t even like salad, but as far as I’m concerned, Hi didn’t come close to upstaging his wife’s ultra-local meal. Did he raise adorable calfs and pigs in his yard until they were juicy, delicious adults, then slaughter them in an abattoir of his own design and grind the byproducts into delicious hotdog-slurry with a hand-cranked slurry grinder? Is their home splattered with bits of blood and bone and viscera that will never wash out, all so the kids can enjoy a few fleeting moments of meaty deliciousness? No? He just bought some meat at the store, like a chump? Give me a break.

Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean, 5/30/16

Ugh, fine, I guess I’ll pay attention to the Funkyverse’s time-jump-spanning crossover antics. Over in the past, which is also the present, Jeff is about to get dumped by his therapist for being so irritating. (You can tell it’s the past because Jeff’s health insurance has paid for enough sessions to get him to this point.) In the future, which is also the present, Jeff and Pam discuss the fact that Pam’s irritating parent still lives. (You can tell it’s the future because there’s only one print newspaper, and it’s just called The Paper, and it’s only 16 pages long.)

Pluggers, 5/30/16

I love the wild disparity between today’s caption and today’s cartoon. I’m sure the Whitneys are just kinda tickled by the fact that their car’s “check engine” light’s been on forever with no ill effects and wouldn’t actually give a hoot if it went out, but Dog-Man seems be seized by absolute panic over the sudden reversal. “OH MY GOD! THIS IS IT! WHAT WE’VE ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT! IT’S FINALLY HERE! I’M GOING TO OPEN MY DOOR AND ROLL OUT, YOU DO THE SAME! IF WE DON’T MAKE IT, I’LL SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE VEIL! WE HAD A GOOD LIIIIIFEEEEEEEEEEEE”

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Funky Winkerbean, 5/27/16

As part of the “Starbuck Jones is filming in Northeastern Ohio” plot, handsome, popular movie star Mason Jarr agreed to give the commencement address at Westview High. Naturally, as one would expect from a celebrity in the prime of his life and career, the speech is entirely about the inevitability of death.

Beetle Bailey, 5/27/16

“Long story short, there was a war and the US Army lost! I have some pictures of the new Supreme Leader we need to hang up around the house.”