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So ends the Comics Curmudgeon 2015 Spring Fundraiser. Sincere thanks to everybody for your generosity/patience. We now resume our regularly scheduled programming.

Dick Tracy, 4/25/15

Heckuva plan there, Abe. I mean, nobody coulda seen that coming, right? Also, I admire your use of “enlisted” instead of the less delicate “forced at gunpoint.”

Funky Winkerbean, 4/25/15

“Gosh, Cindy, thanks for the offer ‘n’ everything, but as it happens, Mason Jarr the Hollywood Actor and I are already on excellent terms from having collaborated for weeks on the failed movie version of my horrible misery porn book Lisa’s Story about my dead wife, Lisa, who died. You may even recall that I was the one who introduced you to him, during his implausible visit to Westview to research his part in Starbuck Jones, because that’s totally a thing, and nobody can read comic books anywhere but here. Anyway, didn’t Mason (Jarr, the Actor: he lives out west somewhere) specifically say he wanted to bring in a writer from the ‘comic book world’ a few strips back? But don’t worry – Darrin just wandered in for no reason, and his gigantic head is right behind you, hanging on our every word. So I’m sure his Skype-buddy, unemployed comic-book writer Mopey Pete, will hear about the opportunity somehow.”

You can’t just let plots develop — you gotta engineer them.

Luann, 4/25/15

Luann shows the signs of 30 years of careful risk management — no unsettling “time jumps” here! “But wait!” you may say. “Didn’t the whole crew just graduate head off to various colleges and Peru and whatnot?” Yeahbut! No chances were taken with the franchise — the stories are the same old “romantic” entanglements, and new characters are plug-and-play replacements for worn-out old ones. For example, Luann’s eccentric fop art teacher fills in for whiny tool Mr. Fogarty, and Dez here is the Designated Ethnic Replacement for annoying prig Delta.

Caution is the watchword — even the Tarot (“Witchcraft!”) with its scary “Hanged Man” and “Death” cards gets a remake as a whimsical “Destiny Deck” (um, somehow not witchcraft?).

Anyway, just for the record, Luann’s mom’s name is “Nancy.” I don’t know how “Prudence” got in there.

Gil Thorp, 4/25/15

Despite my role as a small-c curmudgeon, I have great fondness for Gil Thorp‘s seasonal ritual, the Reading of the Roster. This one telegraphs (hell, literally states) that 2015’s Baseball Story will be about pitcher and cleanup hitter Jordy Castillo.

Slugging pitchers are rare in the majors but more common on college and high-school teams. With the Mudlarks, of course, there’s a good chance Gil and Mimi decided the positions and batting order during a drunken session of strip I-Ching.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Beetle Bailey, 4/19/15

Never mind the deceptively delicate “sent to look for dangerous things” mission description — this is a hardened, deadly battle-drone that forces Beetle to reveal himself as a pacifist shirker or die. Deftly, Beetle inserts a brief viral message into the drone’s code, a vision of happy indolence — to live in the midst of an army, yet be far removed from the exertions and terrors of war. The drone is immediately and completely disarmed. Asymmetric warfare, indeed!

Beetle is thus exposed as a subversive menace and an imminent threat to our armed forces. I’m counting on Sarge to crush him. At least a couple times, this week.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/19/15

Say, didn’t we just finish “petulant writer gets the chance of a lifetime in Hollywood and whines about it the whole time”? Why yes we did. So why are we sending in the B team? And will we never, ever be free of Starbuck Jones? Didn’t John Carter teach Hollywood that old-timey science fiction is a bore and a money pit?

I do like the “handsome actor drives around mumbling incoherently” bit, although that car should definitely be a Lincoln.

Prince Valiant, 4/19/15

Nearing home, Aleta reflects, “Sure, girls, you can always enslave your enemies. But take it from Mom, it’s much easier just to straight-up crucify them. Oops ha-ha, I mean ‘peg’ them to ‘posts.'”

Val thinks, “Uh-oh, wife’s in one of her moods again. Hmm, maybe I can help out in the galley for a while.”

— Uncle Lumpy

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Dick Tracy, 4/18/15

Long experience tells me that when an odd name like ABE ONGO shows up in Dick Tracy, it’s probably an anagram. I’m going with “BEAN GOO.”

And aww, Dick has tender feelings about old-timey public libraries. Let’s see if they survive his trudge past racks of DVDs and cadres of porn-surfers, searching in vain for anything that remotely resembles a book. Hey, Dick, get with the times — it’s a library, not a museum.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/18/15

Writers are saints, producers are monsters, and readers are fools. Enjoy your treasured Funky Winkerbean comic strip, ladies and gentlemen!

Marvin, 4/18/15

I sure hope this isn’t a crossover, because I do not need Ed Crankshaft poop jokes.

Hi there! Josh is off on his annual Southwestern sojourn, so I’m sitting in until the 28th. You can reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you encounter any site issues. Enjoy!

–Uncle Lumpy