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Funky Winkerbean, 2/27/22

“Ha ha, get it? Because of the pandemic? Which is actually only a couple years old at this point? But seriously, have any of you ever had a conversation with Harley? Because I definitely haven’t.”

Family Circus, 2/27/22

I guess this is supposed to be about how kids do the darndest things (like drain your wallet at restaurants) but mainly what I’m getting is that the Keanes can’t cook. You ever think about cooking something they might want to eat, guys? Can’t believe I’m actually on the Keane Kids’ side for once.

Mary Worth, 2/27/22

Is “you really captured my uncommon mouth” supposed to be … sexy? I certainly hope this question haunts Cal’s dreams tonight, because it will definitely haunt mine.

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Dick Tracy, 2/23/22

Kind of weird that Dick Tracy, the man who had a portable voice communications device decades before the rest of us had cell phones, apparently has a … pager? In the year of our lord 2022? Seems implausible, to me. Probably more likely that he’s just desperately trying to get away from Sam as Sam tries to ratiocinate his way to the solution that Dick is going to get by doing some light enhanced interrogation on an informant or two next week. “I’d love to really get into your thought process, Sam, but I’m [tries and fails to come up with a plausible-sounding excuse] getting a page from [tries and fails to come up with a normal-sound name] Riger.”

Crankshaft, 2/23/22

Look, I am a huge history dork, OK? Last fall one of the high points of my trip to New York was going to a tiny train museum in the Catskills where I bought this sign and was sincerely disappointed that we had dinner reservations and couldn’t stay for the talk they were giving about … I don’t remember now, but it was definitely train related. But even I would be very upset if I got a mysterious invite that made it seem like I’m about to learn that my great-aunt was going to leave her entire fortune to anyone brave enough to spend the night in a haunted house, but I show up and it turns out it’s just at the local Historical Society. This is going to turn out to be some NIMBY bullshit where Crankshaft And The Gang Stop Evil Developers From Tearing Down An Old But Disused Silent Movie Theater or something and I’m going to wish they had ended up saving journalism instead.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/23/22

Funky Winkerbean has taken a break from its a plot about how the Oscar nominations work that was marred by a number of errors of fact and chronology, and is now doing a riff about how everyone in Hollywood has an eating disorder, which I have to admit is pretty on point.

Mary Worth, 2/23/22

Oh, sorry, it looks like Cal isn’t going to bring his smoldering youthful libido into Toby’s staid life and reawaken her sexual self, which she thought died years ago in Ian’s bed. No, he’s going to want her to be his substitute mom, but like a cool mom, who doesn’t yell at him when he gets high with his bros and does getting-high-adjacent stuff like playing frisbee or watching Netflix but instead tells him he’s “feeding his creativity.” He will still expect her to sleep with him, though.

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Curtis, 2/16/22

OK, look, I don’t pretend to know everything about how other people live their lives, but I refuse to believe there’s a human who comes home from work and takes off his shoes and socks but not his tie, flops down on the bed, and calls a life insurance company. I refuse, do you hear me? I can only assume — especially in light of panel three — that some sicko tweeted often enough at the Curtis creative team and King Features demanding that Greg Wilkins show feet that they finally said, “Enh, what the hell.”

Funky Winkerbean, 2/16/22

Sorry for my objections from yesterday, everybody! In fact, the Lisa’s Story Oscar trajectory makes total sense. It’s simple: the movie was released to the art-house circuit in early 2020, and then theaters were shut down in the first wave of the pandemic, and in [checks notes] October 2021 Les got the first report that the movie had flopped, but then it found a second life on streaming so now it’s going to be nominated for an Oscar in [squints at calendar] February of 2022. This all adds up! There’s a persistent rumor that the Funkyverse strips are written a full year in advance and I haven’t always believed it but honestly that would go a long way towards explaining this sequence, especially considering that last year the nominees were announced in March whereas this year they were announced, uh, last week.

Mary Worth, 2/16/22

Toby knows just how to chase away those encroaching middle aged blues and recapture that feeling of being a little girl again: marrying a much older man who likes to give her condescending little pep talks while grabbing her by the chin.

Family Circus, 2/16/22

God damn it, Family Circus, I got halfway through this caption and was all excited to make a joke about how Whitney is lucky because she doesn’t get sent to the principal’s office for yelling that dinosaur bones were put in the ground by the devil to trick liberals, but now I have to live for the rest of my life with the awful knowledge that Dolly spends every day at school squirming and holding it in because the toilets at school are never as clean as mommy makes the ones at home, and I’m not excited about that at all!