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Mary Worth, 7/29/14

Oh, man, you guys, I always thought that this storyline was going to be about a little girl with angel friends and second sight, but don’t forget that Mary has psychic powers as well! Remember when Mary dreamed Dr. Jeff was drowning, so she flew to Vietnam, where he had gone to help people only to contract a dangerous ailment, and then Mary forcibly dragged him back? Anyway, last weekend Mary dreamed that Olive was drowning, which apparently indicated that Olive was actually drowning, so her future-scrying abilities are getting less metaphorical, which is probably helpful, in the long run.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/29/14

Haha, this actor who is starring as “Les,” the lead character in a movie on a true story written by a guy named “Les,” is surprised to learn that his character is based on the screenwriter! In other news, everyone in this Funky Winkerbean plot continues to be a moron and/or jerk other than Les, which is definitely something readers will enjoy because Les is such a universally beloved character.

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Mary Worth, 7/27/14

Hmm, just the other day Mark Trail was giving out relationship advice, and here’s Mary pulling a drowning victim to safety. Ian Cameron better watch his beard, is what I’m saying.

Funky Winkerbean (rotated), 7/27/14

Starbuck Jones rescues Broadway and film legend Carol Channing from a series of late-career guest appearances in cheesy sitcoms: “Raaaaaaaaaaaaspberries!”

This is over now, right?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/27/14

You can almost hear them cackle over at Rex Morgan headquarters: “So you’ve had enough of SARAH, have you, faithful readers? Well here’s an academic politics story for you – and Rex as the voice of reason! SOON YOU WILL BEG FOR SARAH.”

Well, that’s it for me. Thanks for a fun couple weeks — see you again in late August as we follow along the Great Josh and Amber Westward Migration. Josh himself will be back Monday with special-edition Comments of the Two Weeks, a detailed critique of Mary’s figure as revealed by her soaking-wet nightgown, and all the usual succulent Joshy goodness. ‘Bye!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Beetle Bailey, 7/24/14

Soldiers are entitled to “… confidential, non-medical problem-solving counseling … provided by licensed, certified counselors on demand. Up to twelve (12) counseling sessions may be provided for each issue, at no cost to the Soldier or Family member.”

I suppose Dr. Bonkus can bill Amos and Martha Halftrack because they’ve needed hundreds of hours of counseling to fan this spark of romance from the ashes of their loveless union? Or maybe Bonkus bills them off-books for the use of his office because this is the only place they can get it on?

Alternatively: old-people sex, ew.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/24/14

After months of searching, Holly has at last located Starbuck Jones #115. The find was faked, of course – Comic John bought the comic in San Diego and had his pal plant it where Holly would find it, just as people have patronized and condescended to her at every step of her little odyssey.

No matter, though — Holly has found a way to bond with her son Cory by completing his collection while he serves in Afghanistan, drawing his cherished project to a close.

And this being Funky Winkerbean, somewhere in the hills of the Panjiwayi District, a sniper adjusts his windage. Somebody is going to get an authentic experience out of all this.

Pluggers, 7/24/14

In fairness, though, that’s when the washer starts.

Luann, 7/24/14

In its 30th year, Luann has finally taken the plunge and graduated its cast from high school. Insufferable do-gooder Delta is off to Howard University; second-string ethnic paragon Rosa Aragones spurned Yale for a job mucking out bedpans at her uncle’s clinic in “Peru” with dweeb Gunther in tow; and Bernice, Tiffany, and Quill will attend local “Moony Uni.” So, now, too will Luann herself, on the basis of a previously unseen gift for spatial reasoning, which fortunately requires no knowledge or effort to apply.

Our Moral: don’t waste your time learning and doing stuff — just wait for somebody to reward you for qualities you already possess. Our Motto: Inertia!

9 Chickweed Lane, 7/24/14

What, no chance for a Quigley here?

— Uncle Lumpy