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Slylock Fox, 6/2/11

This is definitely one of the more aggressively bonkers things we’ve seen in the Island of Dr. Moreau meets Encyclopedia Brown world of Slylock Fox in some time. One of the strip’s lower-level police-dogs has harnessed an elephant with an S&M collar and is using him to drag a shark in a tank up to a motley gaggle of animals. I’m not exactly whether the beasts at the right end of the panel are supposed to be sentient or not, but they look extremely dubious about the presence of this shark, probably assuming that one or more of them is about to become its food. I’m guessing that before the editors forced a last-minute change to this “letter T” business, the original question was “What the fuck is going on here, exactly? Anyone?”

Funky Winkerbean, 6/2/11

The second of Les’s paramours has declared love for him in as many weeks, and in both cases Les responded as any man would: with emotionless silence. Cayla, of course, is the more together of his two hapless not-girlfriends, so all she did was dump him and stalk off in a huff. Since Susan tried to kill herself the last time Les rejected her love (back when she was his student, in high school), the next two days should be extra-cheery, as Les watches the carnage in detached befuddlement. “Unring a bell” is generally used in legal contexts, when jurors learn information that should not have come out in a trial, so hopefully this presages a killing spree to come.

Hagar the Horrible, 6/2/11

It appears that the Vikings have plundered the coasts of Britain and the Frankish Kingdom so throughly as to have snuffed out the brief Carolingian Renaissance, and their depredations have now brought them to the Mediterranean, where they’ve been savagely destroying the last remains of classical civilization. The legacy of Roman literacy must have already been wiped out by the time Hagar’s war-band got to Italy, presumably by terrifying fires that mindlessly consumed the libraries and monasteries, so he had to settle for just enslaving one of the locals.

Apartment 3-G, 6/2/11

This Tommie plot has meandered along aimlessly for way too long, but I’ll be willing to forgive a lot if it ends with Margo gradually teaching Tommie about hard drugs.

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Beetle Bailey, 5/13/11

Now that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has been repealed, the love between Sarge and Beetle that Dare Not Speak Its Name is no longer the most poignant human relationship in this strip. That title now belongs to the Halftracks’ marriage, aka The Love That Could Freely Speak Its Name Were It Not Cold And Dead And Shriveled Up At The Bottom Of A Ravine. At one level their relationship is fairly simple: he drinks and makes doomed passes at younger, prettier women, she nags him, and neither of them would think about leaving the other because what else is there in life but this? And yet within these basic parameters, endless permutations of pain and hatred are possible.

Today’s skirmish is particularly amazing. Can you imagine the trouble Mrs. Halftrack must have gone through to have an enormous liquor bottle custom made? The expense? The meticulous attention to detail needed to get label just right? Not to mention the hours and money spent pouring gallon after gallon of scotch into the thing. And yet, by the way her expression of feigned helplessness in panel one smoothly transforms into a hardened glare in panel two, we can tell that every minute and dollar was absolutely worth it, just to rub her anger in the pathetic old drunk’s face. Good luck moving it out of the living room where your guests can see it! Oh, wait, you don’t have guests, because nobody likes either of you.

Funk Winkerbean, 5/13/11

Uh, Summer is aware that Les’s book is about her mother’s slow, agonizing death, right? Or maybe she knows how Hollywood works and realizes that by the time Lisa’s Story hits theaters in three years or so, it will be about a sexy, ruthless secret agent dedicated to tracking down and capturing a terrorist mastermind code-named “Cancer.”

Mark Trail, 5/13/11

“Yes, it’s wholly possible that John is a dangerous armed lunatic! That’s why I’m going to let you walk six feet in front of me, Andy. Try not to get shot or fall into any pits or whatever!”

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Phantom, 5/9/11

Ooh, it’s a new Phantom adventure, everyone: “The College Kid!” And I am loving panel two, as the college kid taps away on that circa 1995 PC, ignoring the vaguely menacing jibes of the men around him and maintaining a look of withering contempt all the while. “These cretins seem to believe that just shouting can bring about a successful Internet money-making scheme! Soon I’ll produce a victory that will force them to acknowledge my importance to this criminal enterprise, and stop them from making fun of my blazer!”

Apartment 3-G, 5/9/11

Ha ha, the A3G makeover storyline may have flopped due to the artist’s inability to depict clothes that are remotely flattering or interesting-looking, but give him this: when called upon to draw the sort of hideous, unflattering dresses someone like Ruby would force upon her hapless bridesmaids, he fucking nails it.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/9/11

Hey, everyone in Les’s life: won’t you please shove a comforting metaphorical boob of reassurance into his mouth? It will probably shut him up!