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Funky Winkerbean, 10/16/21

“Gosh,” literally dozens of you are wondering, “Whatever happened with Holly after she broke her ankle?” Well, she had to have surgery and now she’s going to be laid up for weeks, so she has to have her meals prepared for her … [dramatic music sting] … by a man! I really went full circle on this one from “Ugh, what a tired and sexist trope” to “Wait a minute, Funky literally owns a restaurant, this doesn’t even make sense” to “Wait, the restaurant Funky owns is Montoni’s, purveyor of the saddest, grossest pizza in Ohio” to “Ugh, fine, this is a tired and sexist trope but it absolutely makes sense in this case.”

Mary Worth, 10/16/21

Oh no, Carol is acquiescing to Wilbur’s sweaty, combed-over charms! I’m holding out hope that she’s waiting until they’re someplace with lots of other people present to let him down easy, both for her own safety and because she heard his public meltdowns are extremely hilarious.

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Dick Tracy, 9/30/21

One thing I’ve always respected about Dick Tracy is that it would be easy to portray Diet Smith as an eccentric but helpful inventor always willing to do his part to aid the authorities and stop crime, but instead it’s repeatedly hinted that he is a dude who is into some real sicko shit. Sure, he could use his Time Drone to solve mysteries or find buried treasure or whatever, but what if instead he acquired footage of our most beloved president getting his brains blown out in vivid 4K video and Dolby Atmos surround sound, and then he spent the next three days watching it over and over again, alone in his office, for science?

Funky Winkerbean, 9/30/21

Oh, say, how’s the current Funky Winkerbean plot, in which a running gag from the strip’s early wacky days is revived in pseudo-realistic fashion and revealed to be a source of profound trauma for everyone involved, going? Well, the memories that Holly’s return to majoretting have dug up are sure activating some latent rage at her emotionally abusive mother, whom she now lives with, so that should be fun for all concerned. Also, she broke her ankle!

Blondie, 9/30/21

Just to prove that I’m an emotionally mature and magnanimous person, I want to show you this Blondie, which has an absolutely solid, well-written joke that made me laugh. It does happen sometimes, in the legacy comics! Is it a little unnerving to notice that Herb also has the same weird baggy wrinkle neck as Dagwood? Yes! But I’m trying to ignore it, trying not to visualizing the neck-flesh quavering like jelly, and just focus on the unusually good punchline.

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Mary Worth, 9/24/21

God damn, look at him. Look at that adorable little smooshed face! Obviously I’m not talking about Wilbur, obviously, how dare you, I’m talking about Pierre, and yes I am going to imagine his internal monologue in a hilarious French accent, and I urge you to do the same as you read the following aloud:

“Mon dieu, is zees the man who will be taking me home from zis shelter? Does he plan to make another child out of me, as a, how-you-say, substitute for his absent daughter? I am weeling to give zis a chance, because I believe he will be dropping many items of food on the floor where I can reach them, but I shall remain vigilant for trouble!”

Ahh, Pierre! Your Gallic detachment and stoicism will get you through the next few troubled months, hopefully!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/24/21

“So whaddya say? Wanna give her another li’l bonkus on the old conkus? Another round of mind-wiping? She’ll probably be fine, and then we can keep all the money from the Kitty Cop book that she won’t remember!”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/24/21

Huh, so you’re saying you want to spend … more time with your husband? Wouldn’t have been my call, I’ll say that.