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Luann, 6/9/09

Say, did somebody mention “view[ing] Luann’s treatment of human sexuality with mingled fascination and horror”? Oh, yeah, I did! Well, today’s strip offers an insight into the origins of the squick that hangs over this feature like a squirm-inducing black cloud by proposing a typical fair as some sort of carny-staffed aphrodisiac. Let’s go over each item presented as potentially arousing in turn, shall we?

• The smells: A heady melange of fryer grease, unwashed barnyard animal, sweaty humans, feces from said animals, and barf from said humans.
• The food: Dripping in grease and inappropriately deep fried.
• The rides: “Wait, has this thing been inspected by anybody? I don’t like that grinding noise it’s making, and I don’t think the door is shutting all the way … also, it’s hard to grip onto the handlebar, because somebody appears to have puked on it.”
• The animals: Sheep, pigs, and cows, all trotted out of their barns so they can be inspected by those who plan to kill and butcher them!

In other words, the “whole hot, earthy, exciting atmosphere” is a tremendous boner-killer for any right-thinking person. I’m frankly amazed that the Tilt-a-Whirl upchuck incident didn’t just turn Mr. DeGroot on further.

Mark Trail, 6/9/09

There is absolutely no strip on the comics page today that can deliver the laughs like Mark Trail. I certainly hope that the Williams Chemical Company is an enormous publicly traded multinational corporation, and that Mark spends a baffling day being shuffled between the plant manager, the operations manager, the CEO, the COO, the chief environmental officer, the chief quality officer, the chairman of the board, and the heads of the major stockholder factions before becoming frustrated and just punching out postindustrial capitalism itself.

Apartment 3-G, 6/9/09

“Wait … Eric is such a nobody that this newscaster can’t even remember his name without reading it off a sheet of paper? GASP! I must break off the engagement at once!”

Family Circus, 6/9/09

Well, Jeffy, it looks like you’re going to have to take some of that stuff out of your suitcase before you leave! Don’t worry, I’m sure that the other children at the orphanage will be happy to share their toys and clothes with you!

Funky Winkerbean, 6/9/09

“HA HA HA HA HA! Get it! I took what you said, but then reversed it! HA HA HA HA HA! Hey, wait a minute, are your pants unbuttoned?”

Panel from Spider-Man, 6/9/09

Meanwhile, over in Spider-Man, Wolverine is posing for his yearbook photo.

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Apartment 3-G, 5/31/09

Last week saw possibly the most momentous event that can ever happen in Apartment 3-G — a proposal of marriage! Yet the strip was almost entirely absent from this site, because it was Gary proposing to Tommie and … ZZZZZZ … oh, I’m sorry, that sentence was so boring I couldn’t even finish typing it without dozing off. And yet with just two hilarious sentences — “You can’t get married and move to Denver! You don’t even ski!” — Margo makes me glad that I read the strip this week, just so I could appreciate the set-up. Yes, Margo makes the Tommie-Gary storyline sort of worthwhile. SHE HAS SUPER POWERS.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/31/09

“Ha ha! Seriously, though, thanks for the history lesson and all, but do you mind leaving me alone so I can finish jerking off to this comic book in peace? I promise to put it back on the rack when I’m done.”

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Gil Thorp, 5/22/09

There is something hair-raisingly creepy about the last panel of today’s Gil Thorp, in which Gil’s empty chair faces a computer monitor lit up with pictures of his student athletes in happier, naughtier times. “There’s no such thing as privacy or anonymity anymore! You have to assume that your every move, your every transgressive behavior, is going to be scrutinized by prying eyes, watching silently as your delighted young faces light up when you press the limits of childhood and discover what it means to be an adult, breath quickening, palms sweating … uh … I gotta get back to my office. Shep, you’re in charge until I get back. Try not to get drunk or anything.”

Funky Winkerbean, 5/22/09

It’s true that infidelity usually ends in tears and shattered lives, so you’d think it would be a natural subject for a Funky Winkerbean plot. I don’t think it’s ever been tackled in this strip, though, possibly because affairs do generally begin with a jolt of joy, no matter how short-sighted and self-destructive that happiness might be. Thus, I’m curious to see whether or not the now remarried Funky and his ex are going to get it on in one of Montoni’s filthy plastic booths, or if their tryst will be nipped in the bud by weeping and impotence, only to be discovered and end in divorce anyway.