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Mary Worth, 8/16/21

Oh, snap! Did Drew get emotional closure on the whole getting-dumped-by-Ashlee situation? Nope! Did we ever really find out why Ashlee skipped town, exactly? Not really! But too bad, we’ve spent all the time we can on Drew on his problems, because it’s been way too long since we spent some time on Wilbur motherfucking Weston and all his problems! Now, I know from this strip it looks like Wilbur doesn’t have any problems. Honestly, it looks like he doesn’t have a care in the world! But believe me, folks: this is a man with some problems, and we’re going to hear about them in gruesome detail.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/16/21

I’m not sure which possibility suggested by this strip is more hilarious to me: that the climactic “Les and Lisa discuss the disposal of Lisa’s cremains” scene of Lisa’s Story: The Movie was filmed on a tiny set in front of a greenscreen, or that they built that little bench as “fun” prop for this hot Hollywood party, to remind the cast and crew what it’s all really about (it’s about how Lisa died of cancer, and her husband is and has been extremely noble about it).

Beetle Bailey, 8/16/21

Like most Americans, I’m into gritty, “edgy” reboots of existing intellectual property. So obviously I was deeply disappointed that today’s Beetle Bailey didn’t pay off on the promise of the first panel, which implied that we’d see a story where the denizens of Camp Swampy wonder if Beetle Bailey committed suicide.

Gil Thorp, 8/16/21

CSI: GOLF SCAMS: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT

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Daddy Daze, 8/15/21

When I first read this strip, I felt an immediate spike of anger when I got to panel four. “Damn it,” I thought. “It’s Superman for whom the ‘secret identity,’ Clark Kent, is the façade. Bruce Wayne is the real man and Batman is the persona. How dare they print this garbage in the newspaper!” But then I took a step back. Do I really care that much about superheroes? No, I do not. Have I actually given this subject that much thought? No, I have not, and upon reflection I may just be repeating sentiments from a David Carradine monologue in the 2003 Quentin Tarantino film Kill Bill. “Paul” or “Daddy” or whatever you want to call him is just a sad, lonely man projecting complex semantic meaning onto his infant son’s incoherent babbling, and who am I to criticize whatever coping mechanisms he feels are necessary?

Funky Winkerbean, 8/15/21

A fun thing to remember is that Mason was introduced during the first “let’s film Lisa’s Story” plotline, and at that point he was part of the empty-headed cadre of Hollywood ghouls who couldn’t possibly do justice to the sad story of Lisa dying of cancer. He later evolved into a “good guy” character, a transformation that climaxed him into agreeing to make the right kind of Lisa’s Story movie, but every once in a while the strip remembers “Oh, right, this guy is the sort of vapid movie star that a thoughtful person like Les would hold in contempt,” so despite being blown away by how good the rough cut of Lisa’s Story: A Mason Jarre Joint was, Les still gets to feel superior because Mason is doing social media content for his fans on Instagram, like a whore. Never mind that without those fans this terrible cancer movie wouldn’t have gotten the money to be made at all! Anyway, I like how Cayla seems genuinely dumbstruck to learn that someone might do something to make other people happy.

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Funky Winkerbean, 8/13/21

So, in case you haven’t been keeping track and/or want to feel a million years old, Lisa’s death in Funky Winkerbean happened [dramatic music sting] almost 14 years ago at this point. And you’d think, in theory at least, that ongoing syndicated media products like Funky Winkerbean would have as a goal, if only an aspirational one, that they have some regular readers today, in the year 2021, who weren’t regular readers in 2007, and would tailor their content accordingly. You’d think that! But then you apparently haven’t reckoned with the sheer dramatic intensity of characters watching actors re-enacting strips from 2007, while expressing no visible emotions of any kind.

Mark Trail, 8/13/21

So Mark is going to punch [checks Wikipedia] the lakes of southern Russia and Ukraine? He’s gonna unleash the right fist o’ justice on [scrolls deeper into article] the ballast water of ocean-going ships traversing the St. Lawrence Seaway??? He’s going to use his crushing right cross to get to the root of the problem, which is [keeps on scrolling, surely it’s here somewhere] trailered boat traffic? Can we stop trailered boat traffic, with punching? We’re gonna find out!