Post Content

Dick Tracy, 1/24/20

Oh, hmm, it looks like bank robber/Styx aficionado/robot cosplay enthusiast Mr. Roboto is a theater critic in his everyday life, and he’s become sexually fixated on Mysta Chimera playing the role of the sinister robotrix Futura in Vitamin Flintheart’s stage production of Metropolis (not unlike Vitamin himself). The really sad thing is that Mysta is already a gangster’s daughter who’s memories were wiped and body was transformed by injections of moon-alien DNA. Isn’t that interesting and sci-fi-y enough for this creep? Why does she has to dress up like a robot as well to catch his interest?

Marvin, 1/24/20

There’s this whole running plot this week in Marvin where Jeff is hanging out at a motorcycle showroom with tough bikers that I don’t even want to go into because it’s so dumb and bad, but I am saddened by today’s strip, in which Jeff declares one of the bumper stickers on display “pretty funny.” Which of these lame non-jokes managed to prompt a grin from this pathetic man? “Bike at you!”, which I guess is supposed to be a takeoff of “Back at you”? “I [heart] the road” or “Leather rules,” which aren’t even supposed to be funny? This is a truly pathetic look into the joy-starved soul of Jeff Miller, if this is what briefly brightens the terrible darkness within him.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/24/20

“So, yeah, I didn’t fuck Les back in the day, but every year as I get older and less desirable, I have to ask myself, ‘Would I now?’ So far, every year the answer’s been a solid no, thank God. Uh, no offense.”

Post Content

Funky Winkerbean, 1/21/20

ME FOR THE PAST WEEK: Ugh, I am so irritated by this plot about nice people desparate to make a movie out Les’s book while he pisses and moans about it, can we please move on to literally anything else

ME TODAY, SUDDENLY CONFRONTED WITH THE PROSPECT OF A RETCONNED FLASHBACK TO TEEN NERD LES HAVING NO DOUBT WILDLY AWKWARD AND UNFULFILLING SEX WITH HIS MOST POPULAR CLASSMATE: Ugh, no, go back to the movie, go back to the god-damned movie

Hi and Lois, 1/21/20

“We taped it to the front window to create the illusion of a disorienting pocket universe where different sides of the house face the same direction but look into different timeframes, hopefully confusing and alarming you enough that you’ll just buy the house because you’re afraid you can never escape it. Is it working?”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/21/20

Ha ha! It’s funny because Hootin’ Holler, isolated and impoverished, is ignored by the mainstream financial services industry, and predatory local institutions have stepped in to fill the gap!

Post Content

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/19/20

I have to say that I am living, unironically, for this storyline where Rex and June are at their absolute wit’s end because they’re being extremely mildly inconvenienced by Aunt Tildy. I mean, not even inconvenienced in any substantive way! Just kind of annoyed, but too passive-aggressive to actually speak up about it! It’s great! Let’s watch ’em squirm! In fact, I certainly hope this “Cousin Charley” thing is the setup to a flashback about a similarly well-meaning but irritating relative who made their lives slightly less enjoyable for a while, and we watch this play out and Rex and June getting pissier and pissier for the next six to eight weeks, and then we come back to the present and get some more Aunt Tildy annoyance. Let’s air some exceptionally petty grievances, people!

Funky Winkerbean, 1/19/20

There can be absolutely no more appropriate ceremony to begin the process of sinking millions of dollars into a prestige Lisa’s Story movie than to ritually set some money on fire.