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Funky Winkerbean, 3/13/19

The first two days of this week’s Funky Winkerbean teased us with “Holly’s gonna drop some bad news on Funky over the phone,” and this being Funky Winkerbean the smart money would’ve been on “somebody’s dying.” Instead, it’s just “your mother-in-law, of whom neither of us is particularly fond, is going to live with us, forever,” which is honestly one of the best case scenarios here. But I do like the rollercoaster of emotion Funky is going through> Look at him smiling in panel one, even though, as noted, he has been warned that non-good news is at some point in this conversation going to be delivered! Like he hears “We don’t have to drive my mother back from Florida” and thinks “That’s great! We’ve already established that she’s an old lady incapable of driving herself and we’re her only family, so I’m not sure how she’s getting back there — maybe she’ll ride the rails, like a hobo? — but that sure takes a load off my mind. Things are only looking up today!”

Mark Trail, 3/13/19

Oh, whew, Cherry’s dad was briefly at risk of experiencing emotional growth by allowing himself to mourn his friend, but then he realized that talking, or thinking, about feelings isn’t what men do! What men do is talk and think about mysterious bearded strangers who blow into town with tall tales of magical Native American gold mines. At some point we’re presumably going to discover that the real magical gold mine was the friends we made along the way, and that’s all the healing that Doc is going to need.

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Dick Tracy, 2/18/19

In case for some reason you’re interested in how the various strands of the current Dick Tracy plot fit together: Splitface, who used to be Haf and Haf, also used to be married to Zelda the high diver, who is also Vitamin Flintheart’s goddaughter, and was I think going to go on a date with the drunkard playing Dick in the play Vitamin is in, but then she got kidnapped by Splitface, who used to be Haf and Haf and also her husband, despite the fact that she had been assigned a police protection detail because Splitface, who used to be Haf and Haf, had sworn vengeance on her for some reason I forget now, possibly because he’s insane, I dunno, it’s Dick Tracy, it’s not super nuanced. Anyway, it sure is a lousy break for Zelda, isn’t it? Getting kidnapped by her deranged ex-husband, who presumably wants to murder her or worse? Just a piece of darn rotten luck that certainly the agency that knew about the threat to her and promised to protect her isn’t responsible for in any way.

Family Circus, 2/18/19

Oh, snap, is the Family Circus going to get political? It’s a good thing Big Daddy Keane is wearing that kevlar vest, as this single-panel comic in which kids say the darndest things was the last bit of shared pop culture holding our frayed national fabric together, and now that’s “gone partisan” the violent civil war is about to erupt.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/18/19

Ha ha, it’s funny because Linda has to choose between retiring comfortably and spending time with her addled husband as he rapidly declines! Like, literally, that’s the joke here in today’s knee-slapping Funky Winkerbean, a newspaper comic they print where children can see it!

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Mark Trail, 2/13/19

Well, it’s finally happening: newspaper revenues are plummeting so much that they’re resorting to desperate measures. Starting this month, every comic strip in the paper is going to have to dedicate at least three strips a month to having the main characters grinning and saying how much they love comic strips, and implying that talking to other people about comic strips is a great way to pique their interest in you, sexually.

Mary Worth, 2/13/19

Boy, Toby’s been worried about the state of her marriage, but it turns out that all that happened was that Ian became so sexually obsessed with a student who had only shown passing interest in him that he couldn’t figure out what kind of grade to give her even though she had failed to do any of her classwork! I bet Toby feels pretty silly, now.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/13/19

“Ha ha, get it? It’s funny because he doesn’t remember words any more, because of the brain damage! It’s OK to laugh — he’s not following any of this! His brain is pudding, and someday soon mine will be too!”