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Gasoline Alley, 12/22/23

OK, I may have to revise my previous statement of approval for Gasoline Alley’s wild, no-rules approach to the mall Santa game. Folks, the men (and occasional women) who put on the red suit and the fake beard are just doing their jobs, part of which involves the emotional labor of making everyone feel welcome and seen; do not take their openness towards you as an invitation to live out your longstanding sexual fantasy of making it with a thousand-year-old elf/nature spirit.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/22/23

If you need more proof that Parson Tuttle is a theologically unlearned fraud, consider the fact that anyone who decided that a lone cow was a perfectly acceptable substitute for a nativity scene probably hasn’t read Exodus 32.

Dennis the Menace, 12/22/23

You know I’m on a big kick lately about how the Lockhorns are millennials, but the truth is that today millennials are between 27 and 42, so probably most adult legacy comics characters, especially those with younger kids, are millennials. Anyway, Alice mostly ignoring her son’s Christmas-related whining by idly scrolling on her phone is a particularly millennial way to turn the menacing tables on him, in my opinion.

Mary Worth, 12/22/23

Sorry to obsess about Brad’s hat, but I’m clearly not the only one! Would he be less insufferable if he dropped the hat and let his hair free like God intended? Maybe! He could at least try it!

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Dennis the Menace and Gasoline Alley, 12/18/23

Christmas is just a week away, and that means our beloved (?) legacy comic strip characters are starting to interact with, or perhaps perform as, mall Santas. How’s that going? Well, Dennis is showing that the real menace is the slow process by which enchantment seeps out of the world; he sits a good distance away from Santa, presumably for liability reasons, and instead of opening up about what he most wants as a gift, he’s interrogating him about how his mythical powers fit into the regulatory framework of the modern state. But Gasoline Alley for all its faults still understands the chaos that’s necessary to make magic seem real. Rufus will say “Ho ho ho” if he wants to! No rules constrain these elves, and that’s why small children believe they can deliver livestock to neighborhoods that are very much not zoned for it.

Crock, 12/18/23

One of the dilemmas to be contemplated in a world like Crock, where sapient animals coexist with people, is whether we’re dealing with a spectrum of intelligence, and if so how that maps on to the spectrum we already know about for human beings. Is a child human, by virtue of his humanity, smarter than an adult animal? Would a person of any level of intelligence of learning know more about a camel’s biology than a camel himself? These are fun things to think about when you’re trying very hard not to imagine a camel’s hump bursting like a giant pimple, sending a rush of pus and blood flowing over his haunches onto the sand below.

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Bizarro, 12/6/23

A fun fact is that while “Frankenstein,” in the sense of a story about creature sewn together from corpses and reanimated via forbidden science with unexpected results, is in the public domain, Frankenstein’s monster, in the sense of the green-skinned corpse guy with a flat head and bolts in his neck, is the intellectual property of Universal Studios, for whom that design was created in 1931. I really had it in my mind that the flat top of the head was meant to indicate that the skull had been sliced open to drop a brain into it, but I can’t find any citation to that now; however, the Wikipedia article for Frankenstein’s monster does have the unsettling note that “Jack P. Pierce … based the monster’s face and iconic flat head shape on a drawing Pierce’s daughter (whom Pierce feared to be psychic) had drawn from a dream.” Anyway, today’s strip raises a lot more questions than it answers: are the Monster and his Bride having sex, reproductively, and are their corpse-mangled qualities passed down to their offspring via some Lamarckian mechanism? Or did the pair conspire to reproduce the sins of their creator, assembling in their own image a son from scavenged corpse parts, continuing the hideous cycle? Also, is the kid’s full name “Frankenstein’s Monster Junior,” and does he get mad if people just call him or his father “Frankenstein?” I honestly care about all this much more than his potential head injury situation.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/6/23

This week’s Rex Morgan is really just dragging out a plotline we had all hoped would be done by now, but honestly I’ve been enjoying a lot of the facial expressions so I’ll give it a pass. Today, Mr. Ollman (get it? he’s an “old man”????) has hit the end of his patience with this entire conversation, as his face in panel three makes very clear. “Look, doc, I came here because I need my prostate checked out and I heard you weren’t gonna give me a lot of pushback when I asked for a painkiller prescription. I stopped making new acquaintances 15 years ago, and I certainly don’t want to hear anything about some Italian I’m supposed to know, got it?”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/6/23

It seems to me that you should be rewarding a budding young musician for time spent honing and practicing his craft in whatever way works best for; demanding a new song in exchange for each cookie feels like it’s encouraging quantity over quality, just my take.

Gasoline Alley, 12/6/23

Rufus’s dick has burst out of his elf costume, right? That’s what’s going on here? He’s hanging hog? That’s what’s going to get the beloved comic strip Gasoline Alley cancelled after all these years? Rufus with his dick out?