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Mark Trail, 7/8/17

Oh, huh, I’m actually a little disappointed that Lesley’s fancy Escalade was only bashed into rubble by a she-walrus in paroxysms of panic and labor pain. My true hope was that the upholstery had been ruined by massive amounts of walrus placenta. I’m not a biologist, but I assume walrus afterbirth smells extremely bad.

Dennis the Menace, 7/8/17

This panel elicited a genuine laugh from me, because “we took our car for a boat ride!” is exactly the sort of entirely banal incident that would nevertheless completely blow Joey’s feeble mind.

Gasoline Alley, 7/8/17

I have absolutely zero interest in explaining whatever the hell it is that’s happening in Gasoline Alley right now. I just wanted to share the final panel with you, in which a leering, bearded, one-eyed (?) man announces to no one in particular that fish “will be even better tastin’ in my mouth!” HAPPY WEEKEND EVERYBODY

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/26/17

Oh, hey, what’s been going on in Rex Morgan, M.D.? A lot of boring blah blah about how Kelly and Niki don’t get to spend a lot of time together because of their after-school jobs (babysitting an amnesiac and delivering pizzas, respectively), and then Niki delivered a pizza to this girl’s house and she got real chatty with him. The whole time I thought she was supposed to be Nancy, Kelly’s nemesis (and, I think, rival for Niki’s affections?) but no, she’s just some other blonde who’s trying to steal Kelly’s man, I guess. A blonde art school nerd to boot. God, remember when Niki was a sullen petty thief with dumb hair? Remember when Kelly was a hot, sassy goth with a dangerous punk rocker boyfriend? Now Niki’s standing here in his chump-ass polyester pizza uniform half-assedly flirting with an aspiring commercial illustrator while Kelly’s off somewhere, I dunno, wearing a lame sweater or something. Still, we have to look towards the future, and the future I particularly am looking forward to involves Niki going with this young lady to see her classmates’ production of Snuffy Smith: The Musical.

Gasoline Alley, 4/26/17

Meanwhile, Gasoline Alley’s incredibly boring “Chipper gives a speech at the PA meeting” storyline is wrapping up in a fashion that definitely isn’t changing the mind of anyone who suspects that the strip has somehow become the main way that the AAPA communicates with its members. Anyway, if anyone wants to take a jaunt to Vegas next month, you could see a bunch of physician’s assistants lose lots of money at the craps tables, probably!

Funky Winkerbean, 4/26/17

Remember, one of the iron laws of the Funkyverse is that everyone has to be simultaneously as smug and as passive-aggressive as possible about everything. Can’t wait for Cindy to head over to a refugee camp to tell the kids there, “Wow, it looks like you have it pretty easy compared to a second-rate actor whose only crime was loving Stalin a little too much.”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/5/17

The extremely slo-mo amnesia-driven retconning of Sarah Morgan, which is so very slo-mo that it only serves to highlight the fact that the retconning is happening, continues apace, and I guess we’re going to keep discovering how far back a year of comic strip time actually goes. Say, remember like three years ago in real-world time, when Sarah caught her babysitter Kelly fooling around with her boyfriend, and used that discovery to blackmail her into servitude? Sarah doesn’t! Sarah doesn’t remember it at all! Sarah can’t understand why all the adults around her treat her with mingled fear and disgust!

Gasoline Alley, 4/5/17

If I had to say what Gasoline Alley’s mission is, I guess it would be to relentlessly promote folksiness in all its forms, including folksy expressions that nobody ever says, like “It takes 50¢ to get you started and $5.00 to make you stop!” But the lady at the far right of the second panel is taking this far too literally. Reg hasn’t even started yet but she’s already implying that she would pay a handsome sum just to get him to shut up! It’s like tipping a stripper, only instead of showing appreciation for Reg’s dancing prowess and hot body, the only thing she “appreciates” is Reg not talking any more! Seems kind of rude, in my opinion.