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Blondie, 2/3/17

Today’s Blondie is a great illustration of how dictatorship is degrading even to the dictator. Here’s Mr. Dithers, having thought up a sick but lyrical burn on his least favorite employee, and all he wants to do is unleash it, you know? Get a genuine laugh out of it. But no, this bald sycophant is terrified of what would happen if he isn’t praising his lord and master at all times, so he just blurts out “nice poetry, boss!” the moment it becomes clear that Dithers is getting a little adventurous with his language. Dithers reacts really the only we he can — by just plowing forward with his cruel little monologue, and acting as if he never even heard his subordinate’s premature praise — but you have to think he feels pretty undermined by how it all played out.

Gil Thorp, 2/3/17

Oh man, it looks like this winter’s Gil Thorp plot is taking on issues of social and economic class in our society! Presumably in order to make a big impression on Tweedle-Dee here Aaron’s dad came to school on career day wearing a top hat and monocole and shouting “I COULD BUY ALL OF YOU CHILDREN AND PUT YOU TO WORK POLISHING MY GOLD IN MY SOUTHEAST ASIAN GOLD-POLISHING SWEATSHOP IF I WANTED TO.” Now, though, just a few years later, Aaron lives in a mildly rundown apartment building. This makes his mom sad, which in turn makes Aaron inconsistent at basketball. If anything, it makes too much sense.

Anyway, in panel two, we see Coach Thorp and Mrs. Coach Thorp and Coach Kaz and Coach Kaz’s girlfriend/hype woman whose name I forget enjoying a delicious meal out at someplace fancy enough to serve wine but in touch with American values enough to serve burgers and fries. That’s America’s meritocratic socioeconomic system in a nutshell right there! Get with the program, panels one and two, with your implication that our class position affects every aspect of our lives!

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Marvin, 1/25/17

This comic about how Mavin’s dad Jeff is getting lavishly praised for using his well-outfitted kitchen to create palatable food is a little undermined by the fact that the food depicted is one of the most disgusting entrees I’ve ever seen in the comics, and I read Mary Worth daily. “I can’t believe you made this!” exclaims Jeff’s mother-in-law, and it’s true, it’s hard to believe that anyone would present a writhing mass of sheet-white tentacles topped with a viscous blob of ink-black goo to his family and expect them to eat it. “And you didn’t even burn anything!” his father-in-law adds, perhaps unaware that this awful feast absorbs all heat energy without getting any warmer, because it was forged in the infinitely hot bowels of hell.

Anyway, the “punchline” here is that Jeff, a man, has managed to produce an unburnt meal, in contrast with the typical efforts of his wife, Jenny, a woman. As a result, Jeff will take on family cooking duties from now on, since he’s clearly better suited for them will hold this over Jenny in their long-running marital oneupmanship, forever.

Gil Thorp, 1/25/17

Oops, it only took a day to solve the mystery: Aaron Aargard is terribly inconsistent because his mother (?) won’t come see him play, because she has the vapors or something. It’s enough to drive anyone into the welcoming arms of electronic dance music, and maybe drugs!

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Gil Thorp, 1/24/17

Oh dear! So the only “molly” Aaron Aargard is addicted to is his girlfriend Molly O’Herlihy, and we mean “addicted to” here to mean “in an emotionally healthy relationship with, which includes shared interests like electronic dance music.” So you’d think this would wrap up this idiotic plot, but nope, we’re not even done with January so we can’t start playing baseball yet. That means that Brown & Granger: The Overhearers have a mystery on their hands! A mystery they’re going to solve whether Coach Thorp wants them to or not! I’m actually not sure where this is going to go, because both possible directions fit in with Gil Thorp’s storytelling aesthetics: there could be some dumb “secret” non-sports-related reason for Aaron’s inconsistency, because this strip loves big, implausible reveals, but they could also just end up diagnosing his problems entirely on the court, because the strip loves plots where non-Gil people engage in unpaid assistant coaching.

Six Chix, 1/24/17

“And now let’s run like hell. That thing is as big as we are! Jesus Christ, the birds are out for revenge!”