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Six Chix, 8/9/16

Freed from the demands of writing Apartment 3-G, Margaret Shulock tries out for that sweet Funky Winkerbean gig.

Love the art, btw: I haven’t done a rebus in years.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/9/16

Apparently we’re just talking about hazing this week? With no actual hazing in evidence, is that it? Or maybe Forehead Girl and Horn Boy are just stone-cold hazing the crap out of one another right this instant, except they’re bonded so tightly from Stockholm Syndrome that it feels to them like the giddy throes of First Love? Sure, makes as much sense as anything.

Gil Thorp, 8/9/16

Welp, Barry “Darth” Bader, ditched at last by the teammates he’s dissed all season, has his final little locker-room sad, then it’s onward to “Somebody’s Mom is Sick.” After all the operatic hard-drinking, drive-drunking, hang-judging, Boo-murdering, funeral-going action this summer I was expecting a bigger close, but hey — there’s only a month left ’til football, and that time’s not gonna waste itself!

Judge Parker, 8/9/16

Sam and Abbey have grown so emotionally and sexually anesthetized toward one another that the only flashes of feeling they experience come from spying on and meddling in their children’s relationships. Knowing this, Sophie and Neddy stage little Facebook dramas to spark up their parents’ lives. Now playing are “Hank is leaving,” “Who hates Honey Ballenger?,” and “Neddy starts a business.”

In reality, Sophie’s the B-student treasurer of her public high school’s Future Farmers of America, and Neddy’s a Carmelite nun. Nobody tell Sam and Abbey — and especially not the strip’s new writer, who’s going to be terribly disappointed when he shows up for work at Spencer Farms on the 22^nd and sees how things really are.

PS. Abbey looks nothing like that, chews tobacco, and is wearing a parka.

–Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 8/2/16

So far this storyline has been mostly about how amazing Vicodin is at relieving both physical and emotional pain. And if taking a little Vicodin is good, then taking a lot of Vicodin is great! So what’s not to like about this drug? Well, it turns out that there are serious side effects, like the inability to count pills or even notice that the bottle you’ve been gazing at lovingly for weeks is almost empty! The solution: buy as much Vicodin as you can, so you never run out! Get your hands on it by any means necessary!

Gil Thorp, 8/2/16

Aw, Gil is going to make True Standish be nice to the guy whose main hobby is being an intense asshole about how his dad killed True’s ex-girlfriend/best friend. This raises some questions, like, doesn’t the baseball team have an actual captain Gil could do this half-asssed-intervening-by-proxy to? And shouldn’t True be getting ready to go off to college, seeing as it’s the first week of August and all?

Dick Tracy, 8/2/16

“In case you didn’t know it, she’s turned up again…”

[long, dramatic pause]

“…on social media!!!!!”

[everyone screams and screams endlessly because this is the most shocking thing they can imagine]

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Shoe, 7/26/16

Oh, man, way to stick it to opera, am I right? Or, wait, no, maybe it’s actually sticking it to lowbrows who don’t like opera? Either way, this is a strip that clearly doesn’t care what toes it steps on!

Gil Thorp, 7/26/16

I’ve decided to stop worrying about Gil Thorp’s school year plowing merrily along in the final week of July and just enjoy the spectacle of Barry Bader rejecting all opportunities to Step Away From The Brink Of Monstrous Assholism. Today, we learn who the real culprit was in Boo’s death: no, not Barry’s drunk-driving dad, but physical media. CDs! They’re annoying, and out of date, and also deadly.

Six Chix, 7/26/16

Wait, so who exactly tossed this dead fish into the toilet? And who’s flushing it? And what is that purplish object the fishbowl is sitting on? And what did Uncle Billy, who almost certainly spawned in a tank in a pet store, know of the sea? I have a lot of problems with the world-building in this incredibly depressing cartoon about dead goldfish, is what I’m trying to say.