Post Content

Crankshaft, 11/5/15

OK, I admit it: I will genuinely enjoy it if Ralph’s near-impossible dream is derailed by Crankshaft’s incompetence. It would bring things to a level of sad-sackery reminiscent of Peanuts, and I genuinely mean that as a compliment. Perhaps Crankshaft will actually engage in some self-reflection and self-recrimination, which I can only endorse; plus, let’s face it, Ralph would in fact be a terrible mayor.

Gil Thorp, 11/5/15

Welp, Holly has finally figured out what it’s gonna take to get Welcome Back, Carter ratings up to Survivor levels: some red-hot awkward English-teacher-making-a-failed-pass-at-football-coach action! I honestly can’t tell if she’s underestimating or overestimating the American viewing public here.

Pluggers, 11/5/15

Pluggers remember when they were kids, when all they wanted to do was run and jump and play and move their bodies in all sorts of ways. Now, things are different. Now they’d rather move as little as possible, and even when they aren’t moving, they can’t quite seem to find a way to arrange their body so that some part of it doesn’t hurt. Sometimes pluggers think about how when they’re in the grave, they won’t have to move at all, and they won’t be able to feel anything. Pluggers have been thinking about that more and more lately.

Post Content

Spider-Man, 10/26/15

Oh, hey, Spider-Man vs. Namor, remember that whole business? It’s been 11 days since I last updated you and these two guys are still just jawin’ down by the docks, getting ready to maybe someday go over to the U.N. to talk about pollution or whatever. I assumed this was just the strip’s usual go-nowhere pace, but apparently Namor was stalling as he brought out his secret weapon: a poor, sick undersea child who will tug at the world’s heartstrings and cause the surface-dweller leadership to rethink our ocean-polluting ways and hahahahaha I can’t even finish that sentence. Yo, Namor, there are plenty of human children who get sick due to water pollution; do you think we’re gonna care about some little fish-boy? Anyway, undersea life seems like it’s pretty harsh, with no concept of “focusing the positive,” since Namor responds to Pharus’s plea for hope by letting everyone know that, nope, this kid’s gonna die, and the best-case scenario now is that he does it adorably enough to get some kind of toothless UN Security Council resolution passed.

Gil Thorp, 10/26/15

“It didn’t happen to Survivor or American Idol, two shows that launched early in the era of reality television and were very different from anything else on American TV at the time. What do we need? A time machine? A time machine, to go back and launch our show in a less reality-saturated programming environment?”

Family Circus, 10/26/15

Man, I for one really wish we had gotten to see what Jeffy and Dolly did to get themselves expelled from the Keane Kompound, with only their paternal grandmother and God willing to take them in. Was it redhead-related? Did Big Daddy Keane get a revelation that gingers were spiritually unclean?

Post Content

Gil Thorp, 10/21/15

Wait, so, they’ve already broadcast the first episode of this reality show without having figured out how they’re shaping the storylines going forward? This makes me actively angry. Reality shows shoot hours and hours of footage over weeks and only then start sifting through it all to figure out how they’re going to shape what appears on screen. That’s how you create gripping drama out of the minutia of everyday life! You don’t just shoot a few days and then throw something together and then (and here’s the worst sin) let the subjects of the show watch it and then try to figure out what comes next! This why we should be mad at Holly and her crew: not because they’re being mean to Gil or whatever, but because they’re demonstrably bad at making a reality show.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/21/15

Sure, Snuffy and his clan are notorious lawbreakers, but can you really judge them, considering that the legal system in Hootin’ Holler is notoriously corrupt? Here we see the community’s only magistrate auctioning Snuffy off to whichever flatlander for-profit prison will pay him the largest kickback.

Mary Worth, 10/21/15

“Time to catch up with my emails…”

From: web@theorganicgrocer.com.sg
To: Mary Worth Subject: Dear Winner

This is to Notify you has the lucky winner of this year lottery. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: 7-1-8-36-4-22 under agent ID: 18 and lucky ball number 7363789,which subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd category.

“Oh my! This is very exciting!”

You have therefore been qualified for a lump sum payout of One Millions (£1,000,000) Great British Pounds(GBP) which amounts to $1,500,000.00 (One Million,Five Hundred Thousand United States DOLLARS) in cash, drawn in your favour, as the soul beneficiary and covered with the highest level of Insurance policy called the IRREVOCABLE GUARANTEE OF PAYMENT BOND.

“Irrevocable guarantee of payment bond! That sounds extremely official.”

Due to mix up of some names and winning number, we ask that you keep your winning information confidential until your claim has been processed and your money remitted to you, in your perspective country. Because this is part of our new security protocol to avoid double claiming and forgery of winners identity in this program by some unscrupulous persons.

“Yes, yes, that sounds very sensible. Can’t be too careful!”

Your winning will be delivered to you personally upon visiting our lottery headquarters in London, however,you must first stop in PORT HARCOURT,NIGERIA, in order to complete vital paperwork to avoid tax in both the united states and England. Please reply to this email in CONFIDENCE for more details.

“Hmmm. Maybe it’s time for me to make a trip.”

Crankshaft, 10/21/15

At last, this is what this dull mayoral campaign needs to liven it up: huge hellpits forming in town, threatening to swallow up the citizenry! Which candidate can stop the complete implosion of Centerville’s surface area, leaving the whole municipality just a gaping maw into the awful hell-dimension that lurks below the Earth’s surface? Certainly not Ralph Meckler! Why, he fell into the first one, just minutes after it formed! VOTE MAYOR KANE: the only candidate with the experience to defeat the Mole-Demons.

Dennis the Menace, 10/21/15

“What happens if my insides become my outsides, in a great rush of blood and viscera?” Step aside, Dennis: there’s a new menace in town, and he’s arrived with a flourish of nightmarish body horror.