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Gil Thorp, 6/15/07

“I got a haircut … from the aliens that abducted me! I don’t think they understand the concept of ‘haircuts,’ actually, but it was free and all.”

I successfully called this one yesterday, not that being able to predict the twists and turns of this simultaneously obvious and moronic storyline ought to garner me anything but shame. Pissy little whiny baby Brynna will still be mad, since Lisa Wyche seems to have scored a wig that looks more or less like her actual hair rather than some cancer turban. This battle won’t end until the upcoming unfortunate mutual decapitation incident.

Family Circus, 6/15/07

“Of course, we made Grandma into jerky! She’ll stay good for months.”

Mark Trail, 6/15/07

There’s something unutterably creepy about panel three, in which Mark is gazing lovingly at the blinded Sam while sexily straddling a chair, and it’s not just because I saw Crazy Love the other night, either. Meanwhile, as usual, the forces of good prove to be less dumb than the forces of evil by only a miniscule amount. Despite the fact the Evil County Commissioners are open about their quest to get a new airport built, Mark will need to go back to the scene of the crime and find some revealing eyehook before his feeble synapses start to fire and the punching begins.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/15/07

Ah, the old “my father never loved me” routine, eh? It’s a bold move, but when you’re trying to bed your lookalike stepmother when they haven’t even fished your father’s cold corpse out of the North Atlantic yet, you’ve got to pull out the big guns.

Pluggers, 6/15/07

So pluggers watch movies to see the non-human mammalian characters? This may be the most reasonable and logical Pluggers ever.

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Apartment 3-G, 6/14/07

“Mamma mia! I get so excited, I forget how to form the past tense in English, even though I speak the language perfectly well most of the time! Madre de Dios!”

I love the epic furrow in Margo’s brow in the first panel. She’s clearly thinking “Note to self: Never ask Gabriella to tell a story ever again.”

Gil Thorp, 6/14/07

Oh, Gil Thorp: so continuously delightful. What exactly do you suppose Yul Brynna’s wearing on her head there in the first panel? A doo-rag? An Aunt Jemima-style head kerchief? A plastic bag? I’d suggest another lookalike contest, but I do want my readership to maintain a certain degree of dignity.

Lisa Wyche is, of course, inevitably going to shave her head in solidarity with Brynna’s stupidity. Perhaps it will spark an epidemic of head-shaving for no good reason whatsoever. Then when Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp does get cancer, they’ll be too involved in their depilatory drama to notice or care.

For Better Or For Worse, 6/14/07

So apparently they’re just going to keep making Julia shorter and wider in the hopes that eventually we won’t like her anymore. Well, guess what? She could be a God-damned puddle and I’d still find her more appealing than Liz “Singularity Of Self-Absorbed Passivity” Patterson. TEAM JULIA FOREVER! WOO!

Funky Winkerbean, 6/14/07

“And then, once I was there, of course I solicited a 14-year-old for sex. I mean, that’s what you do on that site, right?”

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So, yeah, it’s been way too long since I promised to unveil the winner of the Self-Bashing Tyler Contest! And here’s the honest truth on why: I hate having to pick! Honestly, I’m just touched and amazed that you all put so much creative energy into this whimsical contest. I’m always impressed by the creative energies swirling around this blog. In a real way, you are all winners. (You can see all the entrants here.)

But, to paraphrase Homer Simpson, in another, more accurate way, only one of you is the winner — specifically, the winner of Dean Booth’s totally fabu Tyler action figure. That winner will be revealed in a moment! But first, a couple of runners up.

Dr. Jeff definitely gets point for his cartoonification of the panel, complete with motion lines and narration box. He also wonderfully captures Tyler’s spit curl and vacant expression.

Kevin also managed to capture Tyler’s eerie blankness. And, with cunning use of photo-editing software, he managed to piece together real-world versions of the various components of the drawing to create a deeply alienating affect — not quite as alienating as Gil Thorp itself, but pretty close to it.

But the winner broke through what was portrayed in the drawing itself to show us not just what was on the page, but what was implied, as well: namely, blood. Lots and lots of blood.

Let’s review, in its entirety, the e-mail that accompanied this picture from Wally Lamb:

Dear Sir/Madame:

I won this contest fair and square. I didn’t do anything wrong. I never filed a police report. I never accused anyone. Everyone thinks I’m stupid, even Brynna. But I got one over on all of you!

Truer words have never been spoken, sir! May I add that I desperately covet the shirt? For your pains, Wally Lamb, you shall receive the Self-Clubbing Tyler action figure. Hopefully they will let you keep it in your room at the mental ward.