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Archive: Gil Thorp

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They won’t even release the podcast until Marty nails down another mattress ad

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Beetle Bailey, 8/12/22

Wow, we all spent a lot of time making fun Beetle Bailey as a “lazy bum” and a “moron” and a “disgrace to the U.S. military,” but it turns out he’s quite capable of using his military training to quickly and accurately assess threats to unit’s current position. Unfortunately, his “unit” consists of three guys in a trench with two WWI-era rifles between them and they’re about to be annihilated by artillery fire, but still, it’s nice to know he’s not the dummy we all thought he was.

Gil Thorp, 8/12/22

I apologize for my earlier misstatement: Marty Moon doesn’t have a radio show, he has a podcast, which he records at a radio station, but still: he’s moved away from tired, legacy media like radio waves and is now in tune with what the hip kids are into with their iPhones and cyberspace and stuff, because he is a media leader who keeps up with the times. Either that or WDIG won’t let him do live on-air stuff anymore, ever since “the incident.”

Marvin, 8/12/22

Marvin’s grandpa’s friend (no, I’m not going to try to remember his name and I never will) really has spent the entire week staring his own mortality and failure as a person in the face, but it’s almost the weekend so today we’re gonna “have a little fun” (talk about the cruel games he and his wife play because they have come to despite each other but cannot imagine being apart).

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Ghost-who-cannot-die [an aide whispers in my ear] wait what

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Gil Thorp, 8/11/22

Inveterate heel Marty Moon has done exactly two nice things in his entire life: in 2008 he pretended to be a kid’s dad so the kid and his siblings didn’t get taken into foster care, and today he defended Gil’s sexual constancy on air. Only Marty gets to talk shit about Gil, new guy!

Hi and Lois, 8/11/22

Love the captain’s facial expression in this strip, though I’m honestly not sure if it’s meant to indicate “Ahh, you’ll get to see some pirates soon, all right … when the pirates I’ve made a deal with show up and take you all hostage, paying me a portion of the ransom like we arranged” or “Wow I am extremely high, good thing it’s making me even better at steering this boat.”

The Phantom, 8/11/22

Oh, hey, uh, they killed the Phantom? The Phantom is dead? RIP the Phantom, 1936-2022, I guess?

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Feel like I could waste a LOT of time figuring out which comics characters subscribe to which streaming services

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Dustin, 8/9/22

Look, you and I both know that today’s Dustin is entirely the result of the Dustin brain trust getting wind of the kids today sharing passwords for streaming services and thinking “Oh ho ho, I think we’ve got a metaphor for sex on our hands here!” I found this annoying, for the obvious reasons, but also because it seems to ignore some basic foundations of the Dustin world in its rush for the cheap joke: Dustin’s sister Meg is still in high school and living at home, so it really doesn’t make sense that she would need access to someone else’s streaming accounts, assuming her family has their own, and despite Dustin’s dad’s grouchy boomer vibes it seems unlikely that two fiftysomething professionals wouldn’t have Netflix? But it does occur to me that Ed is absolutely the sort of guy who would demand that his children “earn” access to the family plan on screens that aren’t the TV in the living room by doing chores or something. Look at the results of this cruel policy! You’re putting your daughter at moral hazard!

Gil Thorp, 8/9/22

Speaking of sexual ethics, I am very excited to report that Gil’s new arch-rival has gone on Marty Moon’s radio show to challenge Gil in the most intense competitive arena of all: monogamy. I particularly enjoy the way he considers his wedding band to be simply one more championship ring indicating his sporting prowess. Other, lesser competitors might falter on the way to the playdowns and/or engage in emotional or physical intimacy outside the bounds of their relationship, but not this guy. He’s won marriage, just like he’s gonna win the Valley Conference this fall! I’m sure his wife is 100% on board with this and not unsettled by it at all.

Marvin, 8/9/22

Ha ha, it’s funny because Marvin’s grandpa’s friend realizes that he’s gonna die soon and he’s seized by so much regret! Uh, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but let’s do some poop jokes, this is making me pretty uncomfortable.