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Judge Parker, 9/24/22

Oh, gee, I guess we’ve been spending so much time exploring the wildly seesawing emotional conditions inside the heavily fortified Spencer-Driver compound that we haven’t noticed that Cavelton at large has become a violent, drug cartel-ruled hellscape. This should work out great for Abbey when she becomes mayor, as she’ll be able to use a brutal crackdown on the gangs and the accompanying suspension of constitutional protections for defendants as a cover to go after her enemies, ex-mayors and ex-husbands alike.

Hagar the Horrible, 9/24/22

Aw, isn’t that romantic? Hagar and his band of Vikings have apparently established a trade route to Mesoamerica, but are keeping it a secret from anyone but their most beloved family members. Also, Hagar’s a terrible alcoholic (less romantic).

Hi and Lois, 9/24/22

I would not advise Hi to buy the contents of a mysterious POD from some guy who, as far as I know because I’ve never seen him in the strip before, just showed up in the neighborhood today! I’m not a lawyer but I’m pretty sure you’re accepting responsibility for however many corpses are in there if you do this.

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Hagar the Horrible, 9/14/22

Feels like someone over at Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC is trying to feed into my “when exactly in history does Hagar the Horrible take place” — and it’s working! So, some fun facts: England really did have a King Edgar, and he really did come to the throne as a scruffy teen. He became king in 959, though he succeeded his brother, not his father, who had died years earlier, and his coronation ceremony was devised by Saint Dunstan (a bishop, not an orangutang) and (topical!) is the basis for the ceremony still used by British monarchs to this day. His Wikipedia article claims that “Scandinavia was ‘largely quiescent’ during this period and Viking activity directed towards England was much reduced,” but we all know that records from this era are spotty, because it’s clear that he got his palace utterly plundered by Hagar fairly early in his reign.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/14/22

Sorry, it turns out we couldn’t squeeze much drama out of “Buck is in charge of an old person,” so instead we’ve got … these two! A boring teen and her single mom, whose latest romance fizzled in an extremely uninteresting way! Um. Tune in tomorrow when … hopefully Sarah has another head injury?

Pluggers, 9/14/22

Do … do pluggers think you’re supposed to type on your phone with your thumbs? And that having more thumbs would therefore be helpful? Because that would explain a lot (about why they’re bad at typing on their phones).

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Hagar the Horrible, 8/20/22

What do you think the origin is of “grotesquely exaggerated cleft chin” being a comics shorthand for “handsome”? Was it a Cary Grant thing? Or did Cary Grant’s fame emerge from the same early 20th century cultural/aesthetic mileu, chin-wise, that the comics are also drawing from? It’s been several generations since a big chin cleft has been considered stereotypically attractive in real life (I’m talking about society’s hegemonic ideal of handsomeness, here, I’m sure some of you freaks are personally horny for chin clefts and that’s fine) so the images in the comics have become increasingly detached from reality and anyway, Handsome Hans has an ass for a chin? C’mon, that’s clearly an ass. He has an ass for a chin!

Crock, 8/20/22

Speaking of asses, I spent way too long trying to figure out what’s going on with the statue in today’s Crock. Is he not wearing any clothes at all? Because if that were the case, I’m pretty sure we could see his dick in panel one. The piece of paper he’s holding is not adequately positioned to hide his dick! Or is he just wearing really tight pants, so tight we can see his buttcheeks? Or has the Lost Patrol sculpted a version of their hated leader who’s naked but lacking in genitals of any sort, as a cruel commentary on his impotent leadership? Never thought I’d spend a good portion of my day wondering “What’s the deal with this statute’s junk,” but I guess this is the life I’ve chosen for myself.