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Hagar the Horrible, 7/22/08

You know, the “joke” in this comic would have worked just as well (which is to say NOT VERY WELL AT ALL) if Lucky Eddie hadn’t been drawn to look like the Nazis in Raiders Of The Lost Ark right after they opened the Ark of the Covenant. As it is, we are left to wonder why Doctor Zook is handing out platitudes about a healthy diet to a patient who obviously either hasn’t slept in six days or has just been hit in the face with a brick.

Apartment 3-G, 7/22/08

“Ha, I knew it would be dangerous to bring my diary on this mission — why, it could have fallen into the hands of the Red Chinese! It was a stroke of genius to call my personal assistant on this landline and have her write in my diary for me, which is safely back at home in the U.S. Now the Chinese police will be none the wiser. I’d better use everyone’s full name, too, in case I forget who I was talking about years later when I look at what she wrote.”

Mary Worth, 7/22/08

As she finally resigns herself to this “human affection” thing she’s heard so much about, Mary Worth decides to try putting her head on Jeff’s shoulder, a romance technique she learned from a song on the local oldies station. A good first effort, Mary, but next time you might want to bend at the neck, not the waist.

Judge Parker, 7/22/08

You know, like Freud almost said, sometimes a golf club is just a golf club.

Not in this case, though. This strip is obviously about the fact that Sam and Abbey haven’t had sex since 1995.

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Gil Thorp, 7/2/08

Don’t get me wrong, a two-week Sicilian vacation is pretty awesome. There’s nothing like opening up the window in the morning and looking down the hillside to the Mediterranean below, knowing that in a few minutes you’ll be splashing in its delightful blue waters. But then, there’s also nothing like getting up in the morning and seeing the total insanity that is Gil Thorp, so I can’t stay on vacation forever. I suppose that’s supposed to be Bugs McCoy standing on the dock there, but it looks more like some escapee from a nightmarish genetic research lab, its unformed potato-like head glistening facelessly in the morning sun. Then there’s panel two, in which Elmer proves that “average high school arm” is some sort of code for “disproportionally and hideously plump sausage-thing.” Upon deportation Elmer will be trapped in legal limbo at the border, since Mexico will refuse entry to this obviously dangerous mutant.

Marmaduke, 7/2/08

Given that Marmaduke can wear clothes, write English words, order bones over the Internet or possibly by phone, and, um, smoke cigars, I’m not actually convinced that we can rule out smoking in bed. I do admit that it seems more likely that some terrified citizen, tired of Marmaduke’s rule of slobbering canine terror over this hapless suburban community, has attempted to burn him to death while he slept.

Hagar the Horrible, 7/2/08

That’s pretty big talk coming from someone who appears to be wearing a hand-torn burlap sack. To say nothing of those damn potato-feet.

Luann, 7/2/08

dun da dun da DUNNN dun da dun da dun dunn

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Apartment 3-G, 5/29/08

Bless you, Margo! Bless your foul mouth and shriveled little heart! Whenever I find myself feeling down, or wishing that my life was different, I can now always cheer myself up by imagining you looking down in stunned disbelief at your naked, ringless fingers, wiggling them in mid-air as if that will magically generate a token that says you’re taken out of the ether. Bless you!

I like the fact that Lu Ann and Tommie are standing around in glum silence while Margo rants. I’m imagining that we’re coming into this diatribe at about hour three. In panel two, note that Tommie is cunningly positioning Lu Ann between Margo and herself so she can slowly back away and sneak off to the bathroom without being disemboweled.

Archie, 5/29/08

I think Archie’s interlocutor is supposed to be … Reggie, maybe? I don’t recall Reggie having any sort of characterization established other than “Reggie is an asshole,” so presumably Jennifer looks so comprehensibly miserable in the first panel because her relationship with Reggie mostly consisted of his unpleasant boasts and grabby hands, and she still feels kind of dirty. Or maybe she’s just depressed because her parents force her to dress like a waitress at all times.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/29/08

I’m not even going to hazard a guess as to what the “joke” is supposed to be in today’s Funky Winkerbean. I’m too busy being traumatized by the look of near-physical ecstasy on Bull’s face in the third panel. It’s like he’s having a chairgasm, with Les just standing right there talking to him.

Hagar the Horrible, 5/29/08

Ah, I see the legacy comics are engaging in a little UNSPEAKABLE FILTH oneupsmanship. In this case, its the addition of the duck to the scenario that really pegs the old squick-o-meter.