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Heathcliff, 2/6/14

One of the keys to the Heathcliff mythos is the title cat’s extreme sangfroid: despite the madness going on all around him, even when it’s madness he’s implemented, he keeps his cool. Whether he’s meeting the Garbage Ape’s new sidekick or being worshipped as a god, he tends not to get really worked up about anything. Thus today’s panel, which I assume to be some kind of drug-induced hallucination, makes total sense to me. Not only is Heathcliff himself largely unimpressed to discover that a hitherto inanimate ball of yarn has somehow sprouted a face and is speaking to him, but the yarn-face itself — which, I must emphasize for my own sanity, I believe to be a mere projection of Heathcliff’s chemically-altered subconscious — appears pretty blasé about its unexpected and horrifying existence. “Yeah, you should probably bat me around or whatever,” it mumbles affectlessly. “Hey, if I unravelled, would the individual components of my face become separated from one another, and each have its own eerie detached existence somewhere on the long string of yarn spread haphazardly across the room? Boy, that’d be a thing, huh.”

Better Half, 2/6/14

This seems like exactly the sort of dumb tchotchke financial services firms would give out to their lowest-profit clients, so I’m not exactly sure what the joke is supposed to be here, unless it’s that Stanley has taken the ham-handed metaphor seriously. And, honestly, wouldn’t some kind of time-travel device be the best investment aide you can imagine? Only the top customers get the backwards-pointing chrono-compass, which allows you to get in on the ground floor of surprisingly high-performing stocks; but by jumping ahead decades into the future, Stanley and Harriet can let compound interest create the sort of retirement cushion that they could never have otherwise hoped for.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/6/14

“Your precious Lisa dies at the end, right? You’d better believe I want some popcorn for this.”

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Archie, 1/22/14

The Olympics are only few short weeks away, and the syndicated newspaper comics are here to drum up excitement! Just think, when you’re watching the world’s greatest athletes cross-country skiing their way to glory … over many hours … wait, does anyone watch cross-country skiing? Sounds boring. Almost as boring as shoveling. Should shoveling be a Winter Olympic event? Anyway, Jughead doesn’t like manual labor, ha ha!

Heathcliff, 1/22/14

You know what’s not boring? The newer extreeeeeeme Olympic sports, like the snowboarding half-pipe and such! Check out Heathcliff, who’s pushing the envelope of radical by using a fish as his board, just like he uses a fish as equipment for all sports! For some reason! HEATHCLIFF! EXTREEEEEEMEEEE

Momma, 1/22/14

Meanwhile, Francis is trying to kill his heavyset friend? I guess? Not sure what other interpretation to go with here. I do think it’s convenient for everyone to be carrying boxes labelled SKATES to let us know that this is a skating-themed joke (about trying to kill your friend), as otherwise I’d have had an even harder time with it.

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Heathcliff, 1/16/13

IMPORTANT HEATHCLIFF NEWS, EVERYBODY! America’s second-favorite orange comic strip cat who’s kind of a dick is matching arch-rival Garfield by securing a CGI/live-action movie deal, and then one-upping the Monday-hating indoor-only layabout by also snagging a 13-episode animated TV series, both from “family-based production company Waterman Entertainment”. The news is on actual film industry insider blog Deadline Hollywood, so you know it’s true! Where “true” means “a Hollywood shell corporation has acquired the intellectual property rights necessary to create the aforementioned entertainment units, but actual filming is dependent on nailing down funding and will happen sometime between five years from now and never.”

There are definitely narrative difficulties in bringing Heathcliff to the big/small screens, and today’s panel offers a good example. No, not the burp joke; the entire 21st century film industry is built on burp and fart jokes. I refer instead to Heathcliff’s mute nature, which combined with his apparent literacy results in him holding up signs and flying flags inscribed with various messages. How will movie and TV viewers deal with a non-talking protagonists? Heathcliff artist Peter Gallagher earnestly told Deadline, “We want our existing fans to identify with the characters they know while introducing him to an entirely new audience. As a creator I know that [Waterman Entertainment] will be attentive to our lasting vision for the brand and welcome our input, which is very important to me,” which pretty clearly means that they won’t change a facet so central to the strip’s history as Heathcliff’s inability to spehahaha I can’t even finish that sentence because obviously they’ll just get some mid-range actor who needs work to do the voice, like they got poor Owen Wilson to do Marmaduke. Who’s going to voice Heathcliff, do you think? Chevy Chase? Chris Tucker? Owen Wilson again, because why not?

(By the way, all this important Heathcliff knowledge was brought to my attention by amazing Minnesotan comedian Brandi B., whose Twitter consistently breaks important Heathcliff news, like this movie/TV deal thing. She also got beloved The O.C. star Peter Gallagher to go on the record as saying that he is not the Peter Gallagher who draws Heathcliff. And she has a Heathcliff blog, of course!)

Crankshaft, 1/16/14

Oh, whoops, Mary isn’t freaking out because she drank Lena’s coffee; she’s drinking Lena’s coffee because she was already freaked out. I’d complain about the strip just showing us a bunch of people sitting around talking instead of actually depicting the events being described, but, you know, I’m not sure I’d actually want to see a child almost get hit by a car in the comics, so let’s just let it slide.

Apartment 3-G, 1/16/14

Ha ha, it is very romantic, if by “romantic” you mean “a fairly glaring sign that your supposed beloved’s intentions are not what they seem.” Are Tommie and her mom being taken in by a handsome pair of con artists who will win the ladies’ hearts, gain access to their bank accounts, and then vanish into the ether after having spent the bare minimum of time with them? One can only hope!