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Spider-Man, 7/8/13

Good news, guys! Spider-Man’s ill-thought-out scheme to avoid having to make up some semi-believable explanation to a bored TSA agent about why he has a Spider-Man costume in luggage by wearing his Spider-Man costume and then making a dick of himself by climbing all over the walls has succeeded! Not because of any real heroics, or because he had a plan of any sort in place, obviously, but because somebody in the layer of Homeland Security bureaucracy that a TSA agent can reach via walky-talky told said TSA agent to “make this stop happening in such a way that I don’t have to ever hear about it again.” Still, Spidey is right to celebrate! Any conflict that doesn’t end with him accidentally knocking himself unconscious is a triumph!

Heathcliff, 7/8/13

OK, so I know fish don’t have eyelids and so their eyes appear to be staring at you in unblinking horror long after they’re dead, and that Heathcliff has stolen this dead fish and put a helmet it on it for joke/whimsy purposes as he razor-scooters off. But still, I choose to interpret the scene thusly: that fish is still alive, and is aware that he’s being carted for eating. His expression indicates not so much horror as a bemused resignation. “Oh, so I’m on a razor scooter now, with a cat. Greeeeaat.”

Mary Worth, 7/8/13

“I sure am enjoying this copy of Person magazine! It’s a great resource for finding out what sort of behavior patterns persons find normal. Plus, it’s a magazine that only persons read! Says so right in the name! Why, it certainly wouldn’t be purchased and read ostentatiously by some sort of space-lizard wearing a human meatsuit disguise! Ha ha!”

Six Chix, 7/8/13

Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that the Six Chix were competing amongst themselves to see who could create a cartoon with the most horribly mangled corpse in it. Explains a lot!

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Hi and Lois, 7/3/13

Oh my goodness, look at Trixie’s facial expressions in this strip. Congrats, Hi and Lois, for not backing away from the full psychological horror of her sudden and entirely incorrect epiphany! “Oh God, those things … at the end of my feet … they’re alive. They’re alive. And they hunger. I’ve got to feed them! Eat, piggies!” She shoves her feet deeper into the moist, yielding paste in Dawg’s dinner bowl. “Eat!” She’s desperate that they find something to eat. Because she knows that if they don’t, they’ll start eating their way up her foot, and won’t stop until she is entirely consumed.

Heathcliff, 7/3/13

You ever see a cat playing with a toy — batting it around with her paws, swatting it up into the air, maybe holding onto it with her mouth while kicking at it with her feet — and suddenly realize that you’re watching what it looks like when a predator methodically batters its prey to death? Heathcliff and his dad are tossing a dead squirrel around, is what I’m saying.

Six Chix, 7/3/11

There is of course a long comedic history of slapstick violence being meted out to characters, and of anthropomorphic animals mixing the experiences of sentient beings and their real-world counterparts. How can you tell that you’ve pushed these tropes too far to be really successful? When you end up drawing a mangled corpse lying in a pool of human-looking blood and viscera, I would argue.

Dick Tracy, 7/3/11

Welp, I officially don’t understand what’s going on in this Dick Tracy storyline, but at least it’s still dishing out the quotables. “Dr. Sail made me an accessory to fraud! I’ll never get back to the moon!” Ha ha, that’s a tough spot that we can all relate to, amiright?

Speaking of things that are awful: Are you guys aware of FunkyWatch, from the indefatigable Chris Sims? Each month he selects and recaps the most depressing Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean strips from the past 30 days. It’s always worth your time if you’re a Funkyverse obsessee, but this month was particularly grim, and FunkyWatch correspondingly hilarious. Go forth and read it!

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Heathcliff, 6/24/13

It appears that Heathcliff has entered its Large Labels In Block Lettering phase, to the delight/confusion of comics fans everywhere. The first entry in the genre, in which Heathcliff pledged allegiance to cake, was at least straightforward: Heathcliff really liked cake, you see, and wanted to let people know, in flag form. Today we move further into avante-garde territory. Heathcliff, who is not in a context where he might be expected to play football, is wearing a football helmet, which has “HAM” written across the front of it in very large visible type. Is this meant to indicate, in a somewhat on-the-nose fashion, that he is on “Team Ham,” in terms of the eternal rivalry for esteem among the various meat products? If so, why does our flesh merchant advise his customer against purchasing ham? Is he irritated by Heathcliff’s endless ham cheerleading, and is being contrary out of spite? Or is Heathcliff wearing a helmet not just symbolically, but because he intends to instigate real violence, of the sort that might result in a head injury, to anyone who attempts to take any of the precious, precious ham out of the butcher’s shop?

Spider-Man, 6/24/13

Oops, sorry everybody, Spider-Man’s exciting rescue mission to Central America is on hold! Don’t worry, even more spine-chilling thrills are on the way: Spider-Man waits on hold with his credit card company for 45 minutes, Spider-Man has a petulant argument with the hotel management about their security procedures, Spider-Man stands in line to get a rush replacement for his passport and has to make awkward small talk with the guy next to him who’s hinting with increasing lack of subtlety that his upcoming trip to Thailand is for sex tourism, etc.