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Shoe, 10/18/11

“And considering that I am, as near as anyone can tell, some sort of chicken, I was afraid that it would malfunction and fry me. What sort of monster are you, selling something that could cause serious burns? What? No, I’m not going to tell you why I bought it in the first place. I’m certainly not interested in killing, dismembering, and frying my fellow chicken-men and then feasting on their succulent thighs. Why did you even bring that up? What? No, I’m not the one who brought it up. I have to go now.”

Herb and Jamaal, 10/18/11

Herb and Jamaal are frequently a bit confused as to the slang the kids use today, so it maybe shouldn’t come as a big shock that they’ve manage to completely misunderstand the phrase “sexual chocolate.”

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Herb and Jamaal, 9/29/11

While politicians and economists bicker about the best way to restart the world’s faltering economy, Herb and Jamaal dares to think outside the box, suggesting that a pornography-based monetary system might lead to more responsible spending habits.

Mary Worth, 9/29/11

Oh no! Gina’s attempts to reach Bobby are stymied by the team’s manager, who, among his many other duties, apparently gets to field random phone calls from members of the public. You might think he’s harsh in his refusal to pass along to his players the phone numbers of ladies who are holding onto an eternal love and/or who are interested in having sex with them, but you can’t argue with his results. Not every manager in this high-powered professional soccer league has earned the coveted 1st Place certificate for the team office!

Apartment 3-G, 9/29/11

“Um, Lu Ann, have you forgotten that I’m a piano mover and you’re an art teacher? The only ‘flat’ we could afford in New York would be the flat space between two flights of stairs. What do they call that? Oh, yeah, a landing. We could afford to live on a landing. And not south of the park, either.”

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Mark Trail, 9/5/11

It’s always worthwhile every once in a while to check in and note how thoroughly removed from reality the motivations and behavior of every single human being in Mark Trail are. First off, our Mountie is worried about an influx of tourism into this remote valley. Now, it’s true that such concerns are legitimate, but it’s also true that isolated communities are falling behind economically, and generally officials of the national government — such as members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police — are always looking for ways to bring tourism dollars in from the outside.

So, that’s neither here nor there. But a million bazillion times more insane is the idea that this flood of flashy big-city tourists will be drawn by … news that one or two geese were found with biblical verses printed on bands around their legs? This concept doesn’t exactly have the same drawing power as, say, a water park, or a casino/concert venue. And even if you take the entire set of people who might be intrigued by the idea of an aggressive, honking bird bearing a tiny gold band engraved with a Bible verse, you have to question how many of them are going to fly out to the middle of nowhere so that they have the chance to tramp around the woods looking for said geese. Now, if you had a water park, or a casino/concert venue, where the geese with Bible verses on their legs were collected in a nice habitat where you could go look at them in comfort, that might bring in some tourist dollars.

Or, hell, what do I know? Bible geese hold no interest for me, so how can I try to predict the motivations of the target audience here? Maybe for your average Bible-goose nut, wandering around the forest with a pair of binoculars, hoping to catch that golden glint that you just know has a citation from Genesis on it somewhere, maybe that’s the whole point of making the trip in the first place. Maybe the idea of a cage full of sad geese with grubby little Bible bands on their legs, which you’d stop to gawk at for a few minutes while walking from the casino floor to the amphitheater on your way to catch Tony Danza’s fantastic one-man show Extravadanza, would just fill you with contempt for the way that the proud tradition of Bible-banding geese has been commercialized.

Anyway, long story short, the fact that Officer McQueen is very seriously discussing all this with his dog Princess is really the least of the problems with this strip.

Herb and Jamaal, 9/5/11

Ha ha, joke’s on you, Herb! Your children have never seen one of your old-fogey “CDs” in their lives.

Apartment 3-G, 9/5/11

I feel compelled to point out that Paul and Lu Ann are nowhere near anything resembling a porch swing in today’s Apartment 3-G strip.