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Hey kids, sorry for my late and lame updates so far this week … I’ve been guest-blogging at Wonkette, which is fun but kind of emotionally draining. I’m done, though, so I promise that today will be the nadir of lameness. I don’t even have the energy to deal with rape humor in Crankshaft or Rusty’s ass in Judge Parker, but I urge to check out the thoughtful comments on both on yesterday’s post.

Curtis, 10/24/07

Actual religious affiliation of past stars:

• Lucille Ball: One of inner circle of the first six Scientologists.
• John Wayne: Zoroastrian all the way, baby!
• Jerry Mathers: Early proponent of wicca. Felt the beaver was his “power animal.”

Herb and Jamaal, 10/24/07

I’ve tried before to distill Herb and Jamaal to its squishy, nonspecific essence, but today’s installment convinces me that I have more work to do. Here’s my best shot:

Herb (or Jamaal): “Hey, Jamaal (or Herb), something incredibly nonspecific that seems to vaguely relate to pop culture!”

Jamaal (or Herb): “Response that implies I know what you’re talking about even though that’s really not possible … stretched over two panels!”

Jamaal (or Herb) or Herb (or Jamaal): [Wry thought balloon.]

Then, of course, comes the butt sex.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/24/07

Philosophical question: Is “the urge” still “the urge” if it doesn’t contain the words “the urge”? Whichever way, there’s something delightfully unsettling about this one. “I have plenty of time to scream … NOW THAT I’VE KILLED THEM BOTH! MU HA HA HA!”

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Dick Tracy, 10/23/07

Tess is trying to trick Dick into killing himself. In panel one, she is lulling him into complacency by flaunting her ass.

(UPDATE: Er, I read “sleeping bag” as “sleeping pills” for some reason. Oops. Still flaunting her ass, though.)

Herb and Jamaal, 10/23/07

As noted by several faithful readers, Jamaal is making sweet love to Herb right there behind the counter of their restaurant. I defy you to tell me that something different is happening in the final panel.

Marmaduke, 10/23/07

Marmaduke is going to eat some children.

Momma, 10/23/07

Momma is a pimp.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/23/07

People are surprised to discover that poison is poisonous, apparently.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/12/07

I’ve got to say that I’ve been pretty disappointed in this week’s Apartment 3-G plot. With the set-up we were given, I was expecting to see either (a) Eric dumping Margo and laughing at her shattered hopes and dreams, (b) Margo berating Eric at great and colorful length for failing to propose to her when ordered to, or (c) angry, angry sex (and to be honest I was hoping for some combination of the three). Instead, we’ve had a lot of blah blah blah about Alan, a character I care about less than just about anyone in this strip — less than Gina, less than Blaze, even less than Tommie.

At least Margo’s face in panel two indicates that she’s also a bit put off by how this conversation is going. “Stretched too thin? But … does that mean you won’t let Mistress Margo put you on the rack tonight?”

Mary Worth, 10/12/07

I am, however, pleased that Vera’s creepy brother Von is back in the picture. Just when I thought that the creepy Flowers in the Attic-style hijinks were over! My guess is that the item of importance that Von has to explain to his sister involves their father’s will, out of which, you will recall, Vera was cruelly and chauvinistically cut. Von will reveal that Vera’s half of the family fortune will be hers, as long as they fulfill their father’s dying wish and marry each other. You can only protect yourself with that tennis racket for so long, Vera!

After watching Wilbur fondle his heartbroken daughter all last week, I’m really looking forward to the incestuous triangle of jealousy that will bear down on Drew with greater and greater force. Will he be able to fight off both millionaire Von of Pacific Cliffs and syndicated columnist “Ask Wendy”? Maybe he’ll need to call his own sister into the fight just to be on the safe side.

Gil Thorp, 10/12/07

OH MY GOD! Cully Vale killed a kid in a backyard wrestling simulation gone horribly wrong! And was tried as an adult for it! It’s ripped from the headlines … of newspapers on microfiche from 1999, which is when the incident this is referring to actually happened. Gil Thorp, always on the cutting edge. Anyway, I think the DA was right to prosecute Cully as an adult. For one thing, he appears to be about 27 years old. And just look at that glassy-eyed dopey smile — clearly that’s the face of a premeditated murderer. You’ve brought shame to the state of Oregon, Vale! You don’t deserve to squat awkwardly behind its flag!

By the way, the kid in the real-life backyard-wrestling murder/manslaughter/what have you case ended up getting paroled, only to be arrested later for armed robbery. I hope very much that a similar incident is integrated into the story of “Cully Vale, gentle giant”.

Herb and Jamaal, 10/12/07

“I can’t believe all of the issues in the church today” now officially joins “Wow, check out the latest on the hotel socialite! The stuff they say about her really makes you think, doesn’t it?” on this list of Things Nobody Would Ever Say At Any Time But Which Have Been Incomprehensibly Used As The Set-Up For A Joke In Herb And Jamaal.