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Mark Trail, 10/18/09

Here’s another entry for your “Mark Trail: social misfit or sociopath?” file. It’s true that the ways of nature are not that of man, etc., but Mark seems a little too pleased to explain to us the gruesome nature of the Shrike’s feeding methods, and provides an extra-large panel to show its grisly trophy room of victims. We’re supposed to believe that this tiny feathered monster is too weak to hold onto a bug and chew at the same time, but still has the strength to impale that possibly still breathing mouse onto some nearby branch? Killing is apparently only the beginning of its monstrous joys.

Note that in the final panel, Mark claims to know the name that the northern shrike’s terrified prey use for their tormentor. How does he know what goes on in these woodland creatures’ minds? Do his advanced woodsman techniques extend to inter-species telepathy? Does he hear their cries for mercy, and smile?

Hi and Lois, 10/18/09

The most puzzling and amusing aspect of this cartoon is Ditto’s look of numb horror in the final panel. Everyone else has endured Dot’s shrill diatribe and discovered that removing their butts from the couch and stepping out onto the sidewalk actually has some positive aspects. But Ditto apparently has wholly merged with exuburbia and finds this “walking” notion abhorrent. “Ugh, my legs … carrying my torso from place to place … no in-car DVD player providing entertainment during my journey? Why, God, why?”

Crock, 10/18/09

As always, it’s best to ignore the ostensible humor content of Crock, but this cartoon does cause one to wonder why (and how) Maggot has come to be standing in a circular hole several feet deep and an inch or so wider in diameter than his waist. Is Maggot actually some sort of human-prairie dog hybrid? It would explain his odd body shape, and his hairiness.

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 10/18/09

Apartment 3-G sundays are generally just boring recaps of the previous week’s action, but you do sometimes get gems like this. Ha ha, Bobbie is enraged because she can’t get her pills! @!!*# it, she wants some mother@!!*#ing pills, you @!!*#faces!

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Pluggers, 10/7/09

Dum de doo, let’s see what folksy bit of lower-middle-class reactionary agitprop Pluggers has for us today AAAHHH TERRIFYING DEMON GOAT FROM THE PIT OF HELL ITSELF! All apologies to faithful reader True Fable and other known goat-a-philes, but this fellow looks a little bit too much like Baphomet for my taste. I believe that’s actually a mummified goat head that “Bernie Lange” wears as a mask for human sacrifices.

Satanism aside, what exactly is today’s Pluggers ostensibly indicating to us? That some pluggers have long, scraggly beards? I find this troubling, but it is true that with the aging of the Baby Boomer generation, the plugger and old hippie demographics will only continue to overlap, a long-term trend that’s much more unsettling that the fleeting dalliance between pluggers and hipsters.

Marmaduke, 10/7/09

Ha ha, the STIMULUS PACKAGE, am I right, folks? It looks like Marmaduke saw what a great job other cartoons did with stimulus package jokes and decided to follow up, on its own inscrutable schedule. Like Shoe’s Roz, Marmaduke appears to have ordered some kind of extra-large vibrator, or perhaps a device that electrically stimulates his victims’ flesh, the better to tenderize it before he devours them.

Marvin, 10/7/09

I know that it’s profoundly not news when Marvin makes jokes about shitting, but this week we’re being treated to an epic multi-day story arc — one that’s really impressive in its scope — about how one of Marvin’s associates has taken a huge dump in his pants and how the entire day care smells like feces, much to everyone’s disgust. The smell of poop is so bad that it’s threatening to blind Marvin, and it’s only Wednesday, so I can’t wait to see what heights of turd-focused drama we’ll see by the end of the week.

Hi and Lois, 10/7/09

Notice all the extra whitespace in Trixie’s thought balloon in panel one; does this indicate that the original dialogue was changed at the last minute? Perhaps Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Enterprises LLC tried and failed to get the first ever “infant with a hangover” joke into America’s funny pages.

Ziggy, 10/7/09

The car that Ziggy wants to buy is attempting to commit suicide, for obvious reasons.

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Beetle Bailey, 9/18/09

Wow, I’m not sure who reeks of desperation more here: Sgt. Snorkel, wandering despondently around Camp Swampy in the middle of the night because he can’t be with his true love Beetle, or Sgt. Lugg, who has given up on having Sarge acknowledge any kind of affection for her and is now just offering no-strings-attached sex. Sarge is sad and lonely enough to take her up on it, but obviously he needs to get himself good and drunk first.

Blondie, 9/18/09

I’m a 35-year-old who spends much of his time writing a blog about Mary Worth and Apartment 3-G, so obviously I’m not “hip” and “with it” when it comes to the kids today, but: really? I always thought of Crocs as being dorky and suburban, not the sort of thing the kids would use to drive teachers crazy and “push the buttons” of anyone in authority. (Thanks for using the quote marks there, Blondie, as otherwise I would have assumed that some literal button-pushing was going on.) I suppose upon reflection that Crocs have all the necessary attributes for being a punk rock accessory, seeing as they’re both ugly and uncomfortable.

Hi and Lois, 9/18/09

Speaking of punk rock, here’s one of those scary, crazy, anything-goes Webcomics artists! Man, they’re a bunch of angry radicals, aren’t they! And why wouldn’t they be, with their failure to make as much money as the 50 or so widely syndicated newspaper comics artists? Don’t worry, my pink-haired friend; someday your son will be smugly paying gag writers to churn out daily installments of the strip you created before heading out to the golf course, right up to the point when the medium in which its published goes bankrupt.

Family Circus, 9/18/09

“I’m diggin’ up all the pets we buried and piecing together bits of their corpses to make a Frankenstein animal monster! Should I reanimate the dead matter using dark magic or perverted science?”

Ziggy, 9/18/09

Ziggy thinks that his parrot should know something about Quetzalcoatl, the fearsome flying snake god of the Aztecs! That’s because Ziggy experienced a psychotic break from reality, many years ago.

Speaking of breaks, psychotic and otherwise … I’m takin’ the next week off! But don’t worry, your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be here to amuse you. See you next Saturday!