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Archie, 5/22/08

Oh, Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000! You’ve been doing so well for a while, almost convincing me that you were a biological life form of some sort, until I encountered today’s panel two, in which you demonstrate that you understand neither bipedal locomotion nor three-dimensional space. Don’t let your vacuum tubes overheat in despair, though: if you ever do a strip where Archie is doing some kind of ridiculous vaudeville-style dance, you’re all set.

(Hey, kids, cheer up the AJGLU 3000 by buying a shirt with its picture on it!)

Mark Trail, 5/22/08

Ah, first comes the kicking, and now comes the screaming, or at least the shouting, and of course the punching as well. Mark and Ponytailed Dognapper Guy spend panels two and three delighting us with a veritable ballet of pugilism, with Mark nimbly dodging his antagonist’s punch and then sending the ne’er-do-well artfully flying with a right cross of his own. But still, it’s panel one that really sets the mood here. Look at that big, easy grin on Mark’s face. Is there anything in this world he likes better than punching people in the jaw? He doesn’t really seem to enjoy spending time with his family, so I’m going to say no.

Mary Worth, 5/22/08

If Mary Worth is going to be the apex of some kind of doughy, pasty, late-middle-aged love triangle, I will rescind every mean thing I said about the boring and interminable flashback storyline. Yesterday Jeff was acting all big about Mary’s emotional mission of mercy with some other man, but that was before he found out she was canceling on him for the Bum Boat. You do not break a date with Jeff Corey when the Bum Boat is involved. Drag him back from Vietnam, humiliate his son, whatever, but the Bum Boat is the line that you do not cross.

Hi and Lois, 5/22/08

Get ready for a very special storyline, “Ditto gets rabies,” in next week’s Hi and Lois.

Pluggers, 5/22/08

The advantage of marrying a plugger is that you can be pretty sure that nobody else will try to have sex with your spouse. The downside is that you probably won’t want to either.

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Sally Forth, 5/14/08

Ah ha, now we see why Ted Forth was so sad to leave his minimum wage retail job and return to the world of respectable, salaried employment. When we last saw him hawking Chinese-made choking hazards to media-oversaturated youth, he was wearing a humiliatingly bright orange vest. But since then, the toy store has apparently switched their vests to black, and now Ted can pretend to be Han Solo every day when he goes to work, making the Kessel Run in his Chevy Aveo in less than twelve parsecs.

By the way, that “up, up, down down” jibber-jabber is apparently some kind of video game reference, and Vampire Weekend is apparently some kind of indie rock band. Today’s Sally Forth made me feel old and out of touch, and there are few more depressing sentences in the English language than “Today’s Sally Forth made me feel old and out of touch.”

Apartment 3-G, 5/14/08

The world of illegal drugs is full of dramatic possibilities. You can build a tense and exciting story out of the cat-and-mouse game played out between drug dealers and law enforcement, or among the various shady players in the drug underground. You could take a hard-nosed look at the way that drug use and addiction affect people’s lives and relationships; or you could expand your scope and see how drug use and drug laws affect society as a whole.

You could also just do a sitcom-level series of “Gosh! Where can I hide my ‘dope’?” gags, which is obviously where Apartment 3-G is going with this.

Hi and Lois, 5/14/08

I have to admit that I find the fact that Ditto is just sitting in a cardboard box for no reason pretty hilarious. Maybe that pamphlet Dot’s reading outlines FedEx’s shipping rates, and she has a plan that will make sure that all of the upcoming birthday gifts are for her.

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Hi and Lois, 5/11/08

Yes, happy mother’s day, Lois! I’m glad to see that you’re spending it crushing any ambitions your girl-children might hold of having kids and having some other identity for themselves when they grow up. After all, everyone knows that nobody could possibly be a princess, rock star, poet, or CEO while also being a mother. Why, that’s pure madness, I tell you, pure madness!

I do have to give Lois points for having rock star fantasies that involve a gig at CBGB — and since she’s probably in the 40-45 range, this is even vaguely appropriate, chronologically. The beatnik poet look, not so much. I’m also curious as to where Chip is during this celebration. Because he’s an aspiring musician himself, it may be too painful for him to hear once again how her band had to break up after she got knocked up with him by some corporate tool she met one night after a show.

Shoe, 5/11/08

HOLY CRAP THEY’RE FLYING! I complain a lot that the bird-ness of the birds in Shoe is not exploited often enough, so it’s somewhat gratifying to see Shoe and the Perfesser swooping through the sky in living color. But since all the offices and homes and restaurants we see the Shoe characters hanging out in are on tree branches, it makes the sprawly suburban landscape that they’re navigating over somewhat disconcerting. I’d like to see them walk into one of the strip malls below them and order lunch, only to be met with uncomprehending stares and/or shrieks of terror.

Another strange anomaly thrown into sharp relief in the air: the Perfesser wears clothes — a shirt and shoes, at least — while Shoe is naked as whatever kind of bird he’s supposed to be. This brings a whole new level of discomfort to his drunken advances on barflies that we’re occasionally forced to endure.