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Mary Worth, 7/7/24

For months now, I’ve been pretty disappointed that what I thought was going to be an incredible story about Dawn attempting to bond with the mother that rejected her actually ended up being a story about how Wilbur was utterly wrecked emotionally by the death of his goldfish. But I have to admit that it’s very funny, after weeks of watching Wilbur get emotionally wrecked by the death of his goldfish only to finally admit that he was mostly just bummed about his ex-girlfriend, to see Dawn reappear and say “Hey, remember when my mother pushed me out of her life, one of the more traumatizing things a young person can go through, only to call me up a few weeks ago in an attempt to emotionally reconnect? Well, it turns out she thinks I’m boring and lame and has pushed me out of her life again. Ha ha! So, what’s been up with you, dad? Anything happen to you on that level of trauma?” This whole dinner he’s going to be saying to himself “Don’t mention the fish … don’t mention the fish … don’t mention fish” and then as soon as there’s a moment of silence to fill he’ll blurt out “So the fish died and I stopped showering for like two weeks.”

Hi and Lois, 7/7/24

Meanwhile, here’s some successful fatherhood from Hi and Lois! Hi has turned his back on his job to enrich the lives of one of his children. What do you suppose happened to the other three? Did they decide their lives were sufficiently enriched and that they’d rather their dad worked hard so he could get a promotion and buy them more stuff instead? Or have they simply left town with their mother, never to return, leaving the two duds in the family behind?

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/1/24

Obviously Snuffy Smith’s whole deal is that he doesn’t care about the greater good of the polity and routinely engages in lawbreaking and antisocial behavior, but I gotta say that this is a new low. Many Hootin’ Holler residents who enjoy a lazy day on the lake fishing from their little canoes — including Snuffy himself! — will now have their leisure disrupted by flatlanders zooming around in their big powerboats. And for what? Was this little joke so irresistible that he had to have the sign in his bedroom, and are his literacy and scrapwood-scavenging skills so lacking that he had to take the extremely nonprofessional looking sign down from the lake?

Dick Tracy, 7/1/24

Mr. Borden is being blackmailed by Mr. Gabriel in some way related to those those salacious pictures in a manila folder that were hinted at a couple of weeks ago. I’m impressed that today’s strip includes a shoutout to the famous album cover of Big Black’s “Songs About Being Blackmailed Over Salacious Pictures In A Manila Folder.”

Hi and Lois, 7/1/24

No you absolutely can not, kids! Something you did is what’s made her so upset in the first place!

Mary Worth, 7/1/24

Oh, silly Wilbur! Fish are innocents, incapable of sin, and you will not be meeting Stellan again in hell.

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Hi and Lois, 6/25/24

Over at here at Hi and Lois, we’re working to reassure you that it’s not just desperate old people falling for those “Make Money At Home – Set Your Own Hours!” scams on Facebook. No, teenagers are falling for them too! Or at least we’re pretty sure they are. We asked our grandson “What’re you looking at on your phone, buddy? Facebook?” and his grunted reply seemed like an affirmative, so we’re running with that.

Rhymes With Orange, 6/25/24

Um actually Adam, it wasn’t the “tree of knowledge,” it was the “tree of knowledge of good and evil,” so maybe you can annoy your wife when the kid gets to his ethics homework, huh? Oh, what’s that, you, as one of the only two adult humans alive, weren’t planning on teaching him ethics? Do you want to raise Cain, the first murderer? Because that’s how you get Cain, the first murderer.

Marvin, 6/25/24

[desperately trying to think of something non-poop related to say about Marvin] You ever notice how messed up the feet in Marvin look? Check out those feet! The heels are sticking out further from the leg than the toes! And those toes … well, just try imagining what they look like under those “shoes”! Ha ha! Real messed up, right? Messed up enough to purge all thought of the poop jokes from your mind?