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Dick Tracy, 3/11/24

OK, fine, after my uninformed joking yesterday, I am back to reading the comics so you don’t have to and can inform you that (a) these strips are a flashback and (b) these two “dumb housecleaners” are actually retired FBI agents/Little Orphan Annie’s biological parents (you can tell by the lack of pupils, I guess?), who are somehow involved in thwarting the attempt to kidnap Oliver Warbacks. This is exactly what I don’t like about these kinds of retcons, honestly: now we have to believe that Warbucks and Annie were somehow tied together before she was even born — that’s her in utero there in panel two and three — when there was already a perfectly good origin story to their relationship (Warbucks bought her from a crooked orphanage to burnish his public image so he could keep selling defective artillery shells to that commie FDR).

Judge Parker, 3/11/24

Judge Parker artist Mike Manley is having health issues, and I have no insider information beyond that, but even though his name is on the strip a series of guest artists have filled in for him intermittently over the past few months. Today is the first showing from Gil Thorp’s Rod Whigham — I recognize those meaty hands and shocked eyelines anywhere. (This feels a bit like an echo of when then-Apartment 3-G artist Frank Bolle briefly filled in on Gil Thorp back in 2008.) Get well soon, Mike, but until then Rod’s going to be guiding us through a storyline where I assume the Spencer-Driver clan puts aside their differences and closes ranks to prevent Ann, last seen having a heated argument with this guy, from going away for murder.

Family Circus, 3/11/24

Aw, look how happy Jeffy looks here! He’s very sure he was born a whole person and isn’t an eldritch abomination assembeled out of various parts, and we should let him continue to hold that impression, even though it isn’t true.

Slylock Fox, 3/11/24

Look, the newspaper comics need all the help they can get, so its actually totally fine when Slylock Fox decides to cash in on all that SLICK SMITTY NUDE SLICK SMITTY GETTING OUT OF SHOWER SLICK SMITY DRIPPING WET search traffic.

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Judge Parker, 2/28/24

Judge Parker Senior’s wayward daughter Ann, having escaped her captor when he decided that Judge Parker Senior was too scary, has apparently decided to try to escape the loving embrace of her family as well. Specifically, she appears to be fleeing into the hedge maze that the Parkers maintain on their grounds, and I for one think it would be very funny if Randy attempts a flying tackle only to miss and end up waist-deep in the shrubbery.

Dustin, 2/28/24

Ring is manufactured by Amazon, and with the close collaboration between the company and law enforcement, I’m afraid that Dustin’s dad use of “police” as a verb here is anything but metaphorical. As a defense attorney, the man is probably already on the local cops’ shit list, and while I don’t usually root for the carceral state, after years of reading this strip I can’t say the thought of him getting violently tased for trying to sneak a midnight snack doesn’t warm my heart a little bit.

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Beetle Bailey, 2/22/24

Beetle Bailey has always added new characters to cash in on the latest fads, and a fun fact is that “Rocket ’88’,” considered by some to be the first rock ‘n’ roll record, was released 6 months after the first Beetle Bailey comic strip, so rock ‘n’ roll was in fact one of those fads that they cashed in on by introducing us to “Rocky.” He’s been many things since then, of course — like a nihilist from an impoverished background — but I like today’s strip, which decides to dig back into Rocky’s origins to find new material, and dares to ask the question “What if Rocky is really into playing rock music, but is also really bad at it?”

Judge Parker, 2/22/24

Uh oh! Judge Parker Senior’s wayward daughter got caught by some tough criminal dude she owes money to, and he’s going to drag her to the Parker residence to get that money, like she tried and failed to do herself over Christmas. Except, oops, Judge Parker Senior himself is waiting for them in the doorway! That guy went to prison! “What was I thinking,” thinks the tough criminal dude “At first I wanted to extort money from this guy, but now that I see him, he’s kinda scary. I gotta get outta here!”

Mary Worth, 2/22/24

“Sure, Sonia really wanted to establish a connection to her biological father — that’s what started this whole journey — and I’m not that. But, on the other hand, I already won her affection. I won! You don’t give up and admit defeat after you already won!”

Dennis the Menace, 2/22/24

You might look at this panel, with the lettering all smooshed up to the right there, and think it looks like absolute shit. But how else are people supposed to know that it’s Mr. Wilson who’s talking, smart guy? By a basic understanding of body language, social cues, and character dynamics? I think you’re overestimating the hardcore Dennis the Menace fandom by quite a bit.