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Panel from Slylock Fox, 5/10/15

Slylock is of course the king of being a dick to everyone around him, including his supposed friends, but this seems like a particularly low blow. Like all the sapient animals in this strip, Max is still pretty new to using language, and is maybe a little sensitive and awkward about it. “Hey, Max,” says Slylock, “did you know that what you perceive as a self-directed ability to generate ideas ex nihilo is just putting words in order that someone else thought up? Guess you’re not as smart as you think!” Max dies a little inside. Is he still the tiny, unthinking rodent he once was? Do his hat and shorts count for nothing? He’ll get past this moment of self-doubt, probably; Slylock will wait until his self-confidence is built up a bit more before dropping the Library of Babel on him.

Panels from Judger Parker, 5/10/15

Oh, hey, remember that whole Rocky-and-Godiva-are-fighting plot that was ultimately resolved when Rocky and Godiva stopped fighting and skipped out on dinner, so they could have sex? Well, bad news: seems they had sex … to death.

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Mark Trail, 5/4/15

Oh, sure, the forest is burning to the ground, but that doesn’t mean Mark and and Wally can’t take some time for a little beaver-trapping antics, which, frankly, I wish we had gotten to see over the next six to twelve strips rather than just having them elided between panels one and two here. Still, I’m definitely intrigued by Mark’s eagerness to get those beavers home to Rusty. Like, he really wants to get some beavers home to Rusty. Dude’s got humane traps in his car at all times. Did he realize that he’d encounter some beavers on his adventures today? No, but you never know when good luck’s going to strike.

Not really sure why Mark feels compelled to mention Rusty at all here, to be honest. I’m assuming he’s either going to feed the beavers to Rusty or feed Rusty to the beavers.

Dennis the Menace, 5/4/15

Wow, Dennis, thanks a lot for making me (a) immediately think to myself “Hey, Big Bird doesn’t fly,” (b) imagine Big Bird climbing up onto the roof of the Mitchells’ car and squatting there, and (c) Googling “does big bird have a cloaca”. A-plus menacing today, I mean it.

Judge Parker, 5/4/15

“So she wants to conquer space, right? Conquer space for the French? I don’t pay much attention to current events but my understanding is that’s how it works.”

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Crock, 5/3/15

Though Crock is pretty obviously supposed to take place in some version of the French Foreign Legion in some version of colonial North Africa, it’s pretty rare to get explicit clues like the French tricolor flying from the fort here. Today we learn that in a desperate attempt to hold onto its crumbling empire, France is employing child soldiers! Shame!

Blondie, 5/3/15

As excuses to hide a secret extramarital affair go, I would rate “oh no I was working on a complicated jigsaw puzzle with my male friend and we lost track of time look ha ha here are some puzzle pieces in my pocket, I’m definitely not making this up” as fairly unbelievable.

Mary Worth, 5/3/15

This week in Out-Of-Context Quotes From Inappropriate People That Arrived In Mary Worth Via Brainyquote.com Probably: self-described “transgressional fiction” author Chuck Palahniuk, most famous for writing Fight Club! Very excited to learn at the end of this two-week trial period whether Adam is a figment of Terry’s imagination or vice-versa.

Judge Parker, 5/3/15

Oh, hey, in all the excitement over Sophie’s dreams of warlordship, I forgot to mention how the whole confrontation with Dalton turned out! How it turned out was this: Sam offered to set up some kind of Skype connection so that Dalton could watch his daughter get married, and Dalton sheepishly calmed down. Now Abbey will have to pretend to enjoy watching this poor-person affair on the trailer park’s TV, assuming Sophie doesn’t decide to bomb it from space.