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Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/16/14

In addition to the genuinely hilarious “Sarah is adopted by a lovable/wealthy mob family” plot we’ve got going on in Rex Morgan, we also have a “June gets involved in petty academic squabbles” plot that is 100% non-hilarious, which is why I’ve barely mentioned it to date. But today it’s all been resolved! See, the vaguely sympathetic character (?) had a heart attack, and the vaguely unsympathetic character (?) saved her life! This will cause all conflict to fade away and bygones to be bygones, etc., which will make it super awkward that the Morgans’ friend/employee Becka just quit her job in a huff over the conflict.

In addition to proving that there’s no argument that can’t be resolved by a minor cardiac event, today’s strip gives us some red-hot imperious Morgan privilege action. “Out of the way, please! We need to get this woman to a hospital right away! Her life is at stake!” “I’m a friend!” “OH OK THEN”

B.C. and Momma, 11/16/14

The primitive hominids of B.C. have apparently reached a new stage in sapience, understanding that other forms of life may have the ability to feel pain and fear, just as they do. Meanwhile, Momma is disappointed that her son’s blundering has stymied an opportunity for bird-slaughter.

Panel from Judge Parker, 11/16/15

Sorry, other newspaper comics creators: nothing you publish this week will be funnier than this panel, in which uber-rich Abbey and Sophie realize they’re living their worst nightmare. “We’re trapped … in a trailer park … with poors! NOOOOOOOOOO”

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Crankshaft, 11/12/14

Everyone knows that Crankshaft rests on twin pillars that I like to call the “two Ms”: malapropisms and misanthropy. The strip’s really been leaning on the former for the past week or so, with “punchlines” that have involved the words and phrases “painted themselves out on a limb,” “battle-ax states,” and “electrical college.” But this I decree to be not up to snuff. “Nasal” derives via French from the Latin “nasus,” and “nose” from the Old English “nosu,” and both of those come from the same ultimate Indo-European root. They’re basically the same word, in other words, with just the vowel shifted a bit, which means this is unacceptably lazy wordplay. The whole point is to mash unrelated terms together! And you’re pointing to your nose! As if we’re incapable of figuring out what “nosal passages” might refer to! Come on, get it together, Crankshaft.

Herb and Jamaal, 11/12/14

“One of those new cashing devices on your phone,” on the other hand, is perfect. It is an amazing example of someone trying to refer to a technological advance who’s heard about mobile payment systems but doesn’t understand anything about how they work and has zero intention of doing any research about them. Never change, Herb and Jamaal. You keep doing you.

Judge Parker, 11/12/14

Oh, boy, that chainsaw-weilding maniac I ordered has arrived, and in just three weeks, which in Judge Parker is a unit of time so fleeting it can only be recorded with the most delicate scientific instruments! I had neglected to order Sam Driver’s washboard abs, but I approve of the gender-inversion of the usual horror movie trope where sexy ladies take off their clothes and then are gruesomely hacked to bits. (This trope will be further inverted when, instead of being gruesomely hacked to bits, Sam will be handed a substantial sum of cash for no real reason.)

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Judge Parker, 11/10/14

Oh no! Could our super-rich heroes be encountering ill fortune? Actual mild inconvenience? This is insane! Why, they might have to stay in this RV park for literally hours until AAA can come out and fix the engine! After reading the first panel, I was hoping that the Spencer-Drivers were victims of class warfare — that the muttonchopped/combovered RV salesman who unloaded this thing on them knew that he was selling the rich swells a lemon and didn’t care because he was going bankrupt anyway and screw those guys, you know? But it turns out it’s squirrels, which is even funnier. Just a bunch of squirrels, frolicking around the vast Spencer-Driver estate and then chewing through important parts of their machinery with their razor-sharp ever-growing incisors. Even the adorable wildlife is revolting against these insufferable people.

Momma, 11/10/14

Even for a comic that repeatedly dwells on the Oedipal relationship between the title character and her sons, this strip is pretty dark. “Well, Francis, I can’t change your diapers anymore, thanks to the court order, but I still demand satisfaction! What was the most shameful thing that’s happened to you since last we spoke? Spare no details, no matter how disgusting or humiliating!”

Heathcliff, 11/10/14

Hello Kitty is 40 this year! What better way to celebrate than by implying that Heathcliff is fucking Hello Kitty?