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Hey, everybody, I’m back! And let’s get right into the horror, because when you think of the holidays around the end of the year, you think of sheer gut-wrenching terror. So, what was the most terrifying event that the newspaper comics industry belched out during my absence?

Panel from Judge Parker, 12/23/11

Was it when Randy’s language-generation unit started shorting out, producing a sentence that was almost but not quite something an English-speaking human would say?

Panel from Gil Thorp, 12/24/11

Was it when Gil stared at you with his meaty face and empty, soulless eyes, wishing you a Merry Christmas as a thousand tiny explosions twinkled behind him?

Panel from Mary Worth, 12/24/11

Was it when Mary Worth tried to make your head explode, with her mind?

Panel from Judge Parker, 12/25/11

Was it the moment that you realized that you were forbidden to even open your Christmas presents in the privacy of your own home until Sophie gave you permission?

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 12/26/11

Was it when Lu Ann started hearing Margo’s voice, even when Margo wasn’t present?

Panel from Beetle Bailey, 12/29/11

Was it when lovable Zero was revealed to be Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies?

Panel from Mark Trail, 1/1/12

Was it when we learned that the deformed child-thing known as “Rusty” was dimly aware that time passes outside the Lost Forest compound, and that humans traditionally make “resolutions” to mark the beginning of a new year? What sort of “resolutions” does the Rusty-creature “need” to make?

Dick Tracy, 12/24/11

Anyway, terrifying as all of those were, none of them could compare to the night when Dick Tracy and his wife desecrated the memory of the baby Jesus by engaging in Linus-Sally sex roleplay. Gross!

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 12/28/11

When Dan Diller scrawled “TOMMIE” on one of his old Allman Brothers 8-tracks and told her it was her new album, that was really more “pathetic” than “terrifying.”

And what does the new year have in store for us? More of Spider-Man dodging his responsibilities, I bet!

Spider-Man, 1/2/12

“I was about to tackle these hoods myself, until Thor came along! Hopefully someone will come along soon to take care of Thor for me?”

Anyway, I’m back on my usual routine tomorrow morning, promise. But, as threatened, I must use the beginning of the month to remind you of the existence of my various social networking shenanigans! If you want to keep up with my doings while you waste time on the Internets, feel free to follow me on:

• Twitter!
• Facebook!
• Tumblr!
• Google Plus!

I post more or less the same stuff to each of these, so if you should probably pick your favorite service and just follow me there rather than subscribing to all of them.

No new COTW until Friday, but still I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

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A sad note here before we launch into this week’s top comments: Eduardo Barreto, who took over the Judge Parker art duties from original artist Harold LeDoux, has passed away. His tenure at Judge Parker was cut short when he contracted meningitis a few years ago, and (unconfirmed) word is that his death was from complications from that disease. He had a fairly extensive comic book background, but to me he’ll always be the man who transformed Judge Parker from an odd-looking relic into a strip about hilarious sexy people doing hilariously boring things — and he got the better end of that team-up. Thanks, Eduardo.

And now, your comment of the week!

“A rolodex? Fancy elitist animal monsters! In my day we just scrawled the names of friends into the wall behind our letter-writin’ desks.” –bunivasal

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Dick Tracy puts a cunning plan into motion to learn the identity of his assailent. He waits until some bullets whistle past, then compares the grouping against his database of ‘Accuracy of Malformed Villain Attempts to Kill Dick Tracy’ (AMVAKDT). ‘Amateur’, he mutters, as he crafts a crude but gruesome death trap out of studio lights and gaffer tape.” –Lesser Whark

“If you’re like me — and I hope you’re not — you probably read that last panel as foreshadowing that Aunt May’s dessert would cause a gastrointestinal calamity to such a degree as could only be labeled ‘THUNDER OVER ASGARD!'” –Chareth Cutestory

“Pack of vicious eeevil wolves? Thousand-pound bear on the defensive? Mark Trail demands more carnage! Send in the housepets!” –Nate

“WTF is going on with Mary’s left hand in panel 2? Is she supposed to be whispering behind her hand? (If so, her hand is in the wrong place.) Is she pantomiming ‘phone’ because Bree’s not very bright? (If so, her hand is in the wrong place.) Is she trying to keep her brain from exploding and squirting out her ear? In that case, her hand might be in the right place.” –wossname

“The inter-species marriages have another impact on plugger mortality rates: diet. This can take several forms. Normally the carnivore-spouse attacks the herbivore spouse, eats her and then–because there is no one around to do the Heimlich maneuver–chokes to death on her bones. Marriages between competing species of herbivores are less dramatic in their lethality, but when it comes down to a grass versus grain diet, or leaves versus roots, usually one spouse crowds out the other out of the ecosystem, resulting in a slow death from starvation. Of course, when one spouse is an egg-layer death genarlly comes by spatula or skillet after the husband asks the wife to cook more of her own eggs. Pluggers do not believe in any form of birth control.” –Droopy Says

RMMD: “You go take care of Kelly! I’ll continue to commit felony assault!” –Cloudbuster

“Oh, Dolly. It’s PJ. Of course you need to tell him why. You’ve spent, what, four decades telling PJ why. ‘Why does Mommy cry some afternoons and drink cooking sherry?’ and ‘Why does Daddy sometimes look longingly over the fourth wall at Ted Forth?’ and ‘Why do I keep hitting myself?’ are probably a representative sample of all the whys Dolly has had to tell PJ over the years.” –Lily Sincere

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Wussie: In praise of spineless men: I don’t mean to be a bother, but would you mind if I mentioned Wussie: In Praise of Spineless Men, the new essay collection from Josh Muggins? Author of How to Pick Up Japanese Chicks and Doom Your Immortal Soul? Ring any bells? No? Well, if you change your mind, it’s at Amazon, B&N, and iTunes. Sorry to interrupt. Really.

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Six Chix, 12/4/11

I feel that our current long economic slump has yet to meet its potential for packaging economic desperation as sport. Sure, we’ve seen the occasional hobo party, but what about the dance marathons of old, where people boogied to exhaustion for cash prizes? That’s why I’m pleased to see how much our job fair attendees are really getting into this game of musical chairs. They’re not just walking sullenly in a circle waiting for the music to stop; they’re shaking their money makers, in the hopes that they might someday soon be given a chance to make money, via gainful employment. Dance, proles! Dance for your jobs, and for the amusement of your betters!

Hagar the Horrible, 12/4/11

Just to review, Hagar makes his living by leading bands of bloodthirsty warriors from Scandinavia down to Western Europe, stealing whatever movable goods he can find, murdering all who resist, and raping and enslaving the rest. Probably the nice people of France stopped being trusting and started being suspicious and fearful right around the time the first Viking horde came up the river and burned their villages to the ground! But it’s true, Hagar, you don’t have to lock your door, because you’ve bought the loyalty of a group of retainers, with plunder, so they’ll fight off your enemies for you. Unless your raids have been less than successful lately, in which case one of the more ambitious young men among them will probably kill you and take control of your warrior band!

Judge Parker, 12/4/11

Earlier this week Sam and Randy made a date to go to the firing range, where Sam’s going to give Randy some tips! But obviously Randy doesn’t need advice on how to turn down repeated offers of sex from beautiful women, as he’s already a master at that.

Spider-Man, 12/4/11

Last month my wife got a promotion, and now she makes more than me! I responded by mumbling something insincere and then stalking off to sulk. (Ha ha, just kidding, I congratulated her effusively and then we went and had a nice dinner, because I’m not a complete jackass.)

Panels from Mary Worth, 12/4/11

“I enjoy my cooking and thought that your opinion of it might be as high as mine! People who don’t like the things I like are trash and I don’t associate with them.”