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Phantom, 4/22/10

I know that there’s been an uptick in security measures at airports since 9/11, but I think sleepy Westchester County Airport’s decision to acquire anti-aircraft weaponry may be an overreaction to current threats. Where will this escalation end? Will any of us sleep soundly at night once Yonkers has nukes?

Judge Parker, 4/22/10

Kudos to new artist Mike Manley for continuing the Judge Parker tradition of having female characters vamp sexily while the usual plot tedium drones on around them. “Anxiety attacks? How erotic,” panel three Neddy is thinking, from the looks of it.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/22/10

“And anyone who doesn’t want to burn to death when I torch it for the insurance money has about three minutes to get the hell out.”

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/6/10

A layperson might believe that Funky Winkerbean has already extracted the maximum amount of misery possible out of its characters and settings, but rest assured that the Pain Scientists over at Westview Industries are working hard at pushing the envelope of pure torture. It is of course pathetic that this grease-stained fast food subchain is the only place where FW characters can be happy (presumably they’re mistaking the sated albeit somewhat bloated feeling that comes from eating the pizza, combined with the absence of immediate physical pain, for “happiness”), but it’s all they’ve got. And now even that’s being taken away from them! Montoni’s will go bankrupt and all of you losers will be forced to morosely pick through dumpsters for sustenance! Ha ha ha!

One of the fascinating things about today’s strip is that it contains the structure of a joke without any even nominal humor content. It would have maybe worked if Funky (and yes, it took me a minute to work it out, but I’m pretty sure that’s Funky calling from the accountants’ office, and not some accountant placing a mafia-style phone call with no proper nouns and vague, unspecified threats) had claimed that Montoni’s was “guilty of insolvency” or something. As it is, it appears that Funky and Holly are each deploying a mismatched half of a desultory pun-couplet of the sort that marginally leavens the bleak horror of the Funkyverse, leaving them (and us) confused as well as depressed.

Crankshaft, 4/6/10

Meanwhile, over in the “fun” Funkyverse strip, suddenly single Crankshaft has decided to look for love online. The expression settling on his face in panel two as he realizes that nobody likes him is utterly priceless.

Judge Parker, 4/6/10

Speaking of priceless expressions of despair, check out Sam slowly morphing into a sad-eyed Margaret Keane painting in panel three. “He’s wearing the same color of minty green as I am … but he looks so much more attractive and carefree in it than I do! Damn you, you handsome, leonine-haired young buck!”

Hi and Lois, 4/6/10

Ha ha! It’s funny because they’re going to be sleeping in their car!

Pluggers, 4/6/10

Pluggers could die at any time, anywhere they park their lazy asses, and nobody would care much, or even notice.

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Slylock Fox, 4/4/10

I’m actually very pleased to read in the solution that our sassy lion hairdresser has been hypnotized, rather than just being an accessory to the crime. Though if we want any more proof of that, we need only check out Wanda’s hair, which is no better styled than it was when last we saw it. I’m sure he could do better if he had more time to work on her!

I’m also charmed to see that his supply cabinet contains a femur bone among all the hair-styling products. He is a lion hairdresser, after all!

Meanwhile, I don’t think “very happy” even begins to cover the severe chemical imbalance going on the brain of that little boy in the How To Draw feature at the bottom of the page.

Judge Parker, 4/4/10

Have you all been enjoying Luann’s “Mrs. Degroot is uncomfortable because someone wants to have sex with her adult son?” Then get ready for “Sam is achieving bug-eyed levels of discomfort because literally everyone wants to have sex with his adult daughter!”