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Hello, everybody! I’m back from my relaxing vacation, tanned, rested, and ready to mock the crap out of some comics. I must as always give thanks to Uncle Lumpy for his admirable fill-in work, and thanks to everyone who generously donated to the 2023 Summer Fundraiser. (Contributors will get individual thanks soon!)

You ever notice that Uncle Lumpy always gets to cover the really exciting things that happen in Mary Worth? We all remember that time back in 2009 when he got to breathlessly narrate the botched Operation H-Town Raid; this year, he was in the saddle while Mary spent the better part of the week cruising around Santa Royale in this charming bicycle:

And just as a butterfly flapping its wings in the Amazon can set in motion a series of events that ultimately results in a hurricane hitting Florida, so too did Mary’s little jaunt result in…

Mary Worth, 8/15/23

…an evening at the Bum Boat where she gets real deep into her extremely boring philosophy about, like, social cohesion or whatever. Jeff has long since tuned her out and for most of the last 20 minutes has been thinking about the hit 2004 film The Butterfly Effect, starring Ashton Kutcher and Amy Smart.

Judge Parker, 8/15/23

Meanwhile, over in Judge Parker, Sam is being recruited to probably do a murder by a Russian (?) mobster (??) just because he managed to slightly outpace a kidnapper so that said kidnapper got eaten by a bear. Look, man, he just wants to have sex with his ex-wife, OK? Will you give him some time to do that, if he kills this guy you want killed? Because he’ll do it if he has to.

Gil Thorp, 8/15/23

Meanwhile, Gil is teaching new Mudlark wresting coach Luke Hernandez why he can be so magnanimous: because he and Milford have deep financial resources that make life much more comfortable. It’s easy to be kind to your defeated foes when, win or lose, your facilities make Valley Tech’s look like some kind of makeshift concentration camp. And all Milford has to do to secure this bounty is humor “Pop,” the local eccentrically dressed billionaire who’s happy to underwrite the athletic department’s every whim, so long as he gets to hunt one underperforming junior for sport on his private island every semester.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/15/23

As America’s most beloved comics blogger, I hereby authorize each and every one of you to use “Sorry, I was busy running an online auction” as an excuse for being late or just generally not paying attention to other people. Go ahead! It’s easy and fun!

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So ends the 2023 Comics Curmudgeon Summer Fundraiser! Thank you, generous readers one and all!

Blondie, 8/12/23

Herb may not be much of a neighbor, but he’s one heck of a negotiator.

Judge Parker, 8/12/23

I realize that Pavel here is being set up as a villain, but anybody who gets Sam to shut the hell up is OK in my book.

Phantom, 8/12/23

The “Death of the Phantom” story arc started way back in 2017, and said death is being strongly foreshadowed here. But hey waitaminute, you ask. Well, so do I! We’ve seen that Phantom-alias John X shows up in the Sunday strips after these events, and my Heloise-centric fantasies notwithstanding, killing off the strip’s eponymous hero seems like a stretch. So either he puts some magic Bandar powder on that through‑and‑through or they’re going to pull some Marvel-style multiverse crap, in which case I am outta here.

Sally Forth, 8/12/23

Hey, it’s been established that Ted Forth reads The Comics Curmudgeon, so why shouldn’t everybody in the strip? It would save them a lot of exposition.

We have a special guest host tomorrow! See you Monday!

—Uncle Lumpy

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Blondie, 8/7/23

… and my OnlyFans clients are insatiable!

Crankshaft, 8/7/23

Medical Economics: Crankshaft pines for the days of general practitioners, but his proctologist has gotten rich off this colossal asshole.

Judge Parker, 8/7/23

Sam is blind to the profundity of Lev’s evil, so I’ll spell it out: Sam, is that a child sitting in the front seat? Do you see a carseat anywhere? Does she look like she weighs 65 pounds?

Heathcliff, 8/7/23

Body positivity is lost on skunks.

I feel that the Blondie creative team is trapped somewhere and sending us coded shirt-messages. Anybody know what “υ – ε” means? It’s Greek to me.

—Uncle Lumpy