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Judge Parker, 1/5/08

And so the Tale of How Sam Came This Close To Having Sex With His Wife ends in unconsciousness. It’s likely that Abbey’s narcotic-fueled mania has finally and abruptly dissipated, though we can’t rule out the possibility that the mere thought of carnal relations with her husband simply bored her so much that she passed out. This strip is notable for its Extra Gratuitousness Action: Not only is Abbey sporting what may be the most form-fitting robe ever worn by someone who hasn’t been hosed down in preparation for a Maxim photo shoot, but Sam Driver is is also showing off the sort of ripped bod that only a grueling, desk-bound legal career with occasional travel for business purposes can produce. You know, I used to take my shirt off pretty much like that because I liked to pretend that I was a superhero changing into my costume. I was eight at the time. I’m not sure what Sam’s excuse is.

I’m going to continue with my tradition of questioning how sincere Sam and Abbey’s desire to screw is by pointing out that they own a compound so extensive that it requires a team of servants to manage properly; thus, I don’t buy the whole “we never get a chance to have sex because we never have the place to ourselves” excuse. The wing where the kids live is probably further away from their bedroom than my local grocery store is from mine.

I feel compelled to point out Abbey’s blacked-out face in panel one. I’m sure it’s a product of the infelicitous meeting of color and black-and-white that afflict all the online King Features strips, but it honestly gives me the creeps.

Dennis the Menace, 1/5/08

How to be menacing: Another installment in an occasional series

• Not menacing: “The best thing about snowballs is that they’re free!”
• Menacing: “The best thing about snowballs is that, if you pack enough ice into them and throw them at somebody’s face, you can permanent scar them or even put out an eye! For free!”

Ziggy, 1/5/08

Sometimes a strip as been around for years and years and you think you’ve got a handle on it, but suddenly it manages to surprise you — or, in this case, surprise and horrify. Why has Ziggy abandoned its usual aesthetic of outline drawings and tons of white space and decided to confront us with every greasy, curly hair on the forearms and neck of this belligerent restaurateur? To say nothing of the blemishes on his nose that could be either pimples (the result of 12-hour days spent being splattered with hot grease from his filthy grill) or burst blood vessels (the product of a combination of alcoholism and constant rage)? This must remain forever a creative mystery from the whimsical world of the funny pages.

Pluggers, 1/5/08

Pluggers are unable to save adequately for retirement, and will thus spend most of their waking hours engaged in soul-crushing menial work until the day they drop dead.

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I know I said I was going to gloss over the strips that ran during my vacation, but, you know, I had to read them, at least the ones that have continuing storylines, if I didn’t want to be totally lost, and once I started reading them, well, some of them just were really calling out for the treatment and … I know, it’s a sickness. Anyway, here, quickly, are the high points of December 23 through January 1!

Judge Parker, 12/24/07

A very gratuitous Christmas came a day early for Abbey Spencer fans. I know that when most of you ladies have a sudden, drug-induced urge to paint your study, you want to slip into something more comfortable — like a halter top and a pair of Daisy Dukes so tight that you’re actually incapable of standing up straight.

Mary Worth, 12/24/07

Chester’s real owner apparently stole him away and, unbeknownst to Mary, replaced him with a plastic replica, if his weird sitting-in-midair position in panel one is any indication.

Spider-Man, 12/24/07

Peter Parker, meanwhile, got the best gift a boy could get: A trip to prison! Oh boy!

Christmas Day usually sees some variously awkward greetings shoehorned into different strips. My two favorites from 2007 were Dick Tracy, which heralded the birth of Our Savior with a scene of a collapsing building and an excitable workingman blathering about being pelted with corpses:

…and Gil Thorp, which proudly featured a set of cramped, noseless horrors that made last year’s Christmas card look museum-worthy:

For Better Or For Worse, 12/26/07

Meanwhile, Anthony has figured out a way to make little Francie accept her new mommy: force her to watch their bland, noodly sexual congress.

Gil Thorp, 12/28/07

Gil Thorp promises to break new dramatic ground in the new year by featuring a high school-aged student-athlete who is arrogant and unpleasant! (And yet how can we hate anyone who throws around put-downs like “climb down off your dinosaur”?)

Mark Trail, 12/29/07

A terminally ill Luke Wilson said, “Don’t waste your time, Trail,” by which he obviously means “Let’s not over-stimulate your readers with any kind of action or excitement when I can just tell them all what happened and then expire quietly.” No word yet on whether Mark will punch his corpse.

Panels from Apartment 3-G, 12/30/07

Margo added another bullet point to her résumé of personal destruction: enabler!

Panel from Judge Parker, 12/30/07

Sam proved, as if we need any more evidence, that he has no intention of having sex with his wife ever again.

For Better Or For Worse, 1/1/08

And, in the first moments of 2008, April took a good, long look at Gerald’s penis. She looks troubled by what she sees.

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Dick Tracy, 12/22/07

I’ve managed to go several weeks without mentioning Dick Tracy, and that’s because it’s been stupid and incomprehensible and insane. The meandering, pointless storyline has involved a maniac holding the governor hostage in an old haunted mansion at the end of a tunnel behind a painting; meanwhile, a wrecking crew has shown up to demolish the house the same day that a high-profile charity haunted house sleepover event involving local politicians is ostensibly in progress inside, and they refuse to obey the orders of the police. Today’s comic is worthy of mention, though, because it features the bad guy (or maybe the governor — I’m not entirely clear on this point) falling to his death, a mighty SPLATT ringing out as his organs are pulped inside his body cavity; then his corpse is mangled by a bulldozer, which the operator of said machine barely notices. I would bet money that this strip runs in at least one newspaper that pulled Zits last month because it used the word “sucks.”

Family Circus, 12/22/07

This sort of blasphemous sass that should definitely not bring a wry little smile to the lips of the mother of any ostensibly Christian household. Mommy needs to get out the crucifix and use it to bludgeon the devil out of her sinful son.

Judge Parker, 12/22/07

Hmm, pot brownies should really leave Abbey “inspired” to do little more than sit in the office and giggle about all the clashing color schemes she keeps coming up with. New theory: meth brownies.

Slylock Fox, 12/22/07

You know what America needs more of? Superheroes that pick up criminals by the scruff of the neck and then punch them in the face.