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Judge Parker, 1/26/08

So the big interview with No-Legged War Hero Mama’s Boy Works-For-Nothing Steve is over, and it’s becoming more and more obvious that Gloria likes what she sees! Likes it so much, in fact, that she’s got to close her eyes in the final panel, because if she has to look at that hot hunk of filial piety for even one more minute, she can’t be held responsible for her actions.

I do think it’s kind of curious that, since one of Steve’s major characteristics is that he lost his legs in Iraq, we’ve never actually gotten a good look at his prosthetics. Not that we should let his disability and define him and I’m sure most people with artificial legs actually wear pants that cover them up, but it almost seems that the artist has gone out of his way to arrange the panel composition such that his legs are just out of view. Could this be one of the problems of a comics strip that’s a collaboration between an artist and a writer — could the artist have gotten the scripts and cried “Argh! Prosthetic limbs! My greatest weakness!”

Popeye, 1/26/08

Popeye is in the midst of some completely uninteresting plot about Sweet Pea’s allowance, but I have to pose this question to those readers who are part of the nautical division of the Jungle Patrol: What the hell does “typical fat-armed sailor” mean? I always assumed that Popeye’s bizarre physique was a result of artistic whimsy and/or steroid abuse, but are we to understand that his pencil-thin biceps and unnaturally bulging forearms are somehow representative of his profession — and are also somehow related to the cheapness endemic to seamen? I’m obviously way behind on my sailor stereotyping.

Dick Tracy, 1/26/08

In our upcoming storyline, Dick Tracy will drop any pretense about being a frank cheerleader for fascism as Dick is ordered to go break up a local showing of “degenerate art.”

Marmaduke, 1/26/08

For “lost,” read “ate,” obviously.

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Having had a sudden fit of boredom with being mean, I’ve decided to try to be nice today.

Archie, 1/24/08

I like Archie’s scarf! I would actually wear that design in real life. Plus the way it hangs on him looks pretty realistic!

Curtis, 1/24/08

I like the casual way Curtis flicks his coat across the room. At first it kind of looks like a hospital gown or something, with the seam up the back! But no, that’s just because the momentum made the sleeves bend backwards. Again, good realism!

Judger Parker, 1/24/08

I like Sam’s facial expression in the third panel. “Lawyer I don’t have to pay … ka-ching … lawyer whose picture I can put into advertisements with accompanying copy that reads ‘USE OUR LEGAL SERVICES OR THIS LEGLESS VET WILL STARVE’ … ka-ching …”

Mary Worth, 1/24/08

I like that Drew seems to be hilariously interpreting the cutting-edge catchphrase “talk to the hand” literally in panel one. I like that Drew seems to believe that the key to true emotional commitment is to have one partner take care of all the intimate talk for both people in the relationship. I like the bright orange donuts, or bagels, or whatever, sitting in the display case a regulation two inches apart…

…I don’t think I’ve really gotten the hang of this “being nice” thing.

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The Phantom, 1/16/08

Hooray, I did it! I managed to get through the entire previous incredibly moronic Phantom storyline without mentioning it in this blog once! This one is just getting started, and may turn out to be just as dumb, but I can’t resist today’s installment, in which Diana Walker (aka The Phantom’s Imported Caucasian Bride) is, as our narration box tells us, chatting with her friends about their career choices. (Side note: Hey, narration box, do you think that you don’t need a verb just because you have an exclamation point? Hmmm?) It sure was nice of Diana and her friend the cop to arrange to meet their friend the waitress for lunch while she was working the lunch shift. “It’ll be fun! We’ll talk while you serve us our meal! Maybe we’ll even tip you!” As if that wasn’t bad enough, cop-lady is stealing waitress-lady’s lifelong dream. “That’s the answer! Jungle patrol! Be sure to think of the adventures I’m having out on the frontier the next time an old man yells at you because his coffee’s too hot!”

Funky Winkerbean, 1/16/08

Not being married to a band director, I guess I can’t be expected to truly understand the horror that they go through, but I admit to not seeing the connection between being left home alone as your partner leads a group of teenagers through a forced march through the parking lot while they play an Andrew Lloyd Weber medley and this unappetizing combination of foodstuffs. There are a couple of possible explanations here:

• John’s total inability to cook, which I had blamed on a terminal case of Stereotypical Comic-Strip Maleness, is actually some sort of little-talked-about side effect of marrying a band director. Enormous bowls of M&Ms and six-packs of BEER-brand beer are actually the best he can do for hospitality, considering his condition. Since the other members of his meeting are in the same boat, they can’t complain about it.
• Being a band director’s spouse in Funky Winkerbean is some kind of double-whammy of crushing depression, and so the only thing for it is a tasty combo of alcohol and sugar. In fact, I’m not convinced that the colorful tablets in those bowls are actually M&Ms. I think the band directors are going to make their troubles go away with a cocktail of cheap beer and bootleg prescription pharmaceuticals — the “M&Ms” ruse is just to keep the kids none the wiser.

Judge Parker, 1/16/08

OK, I totally take back what I said earlier about Sam not being a sexual harassment risk. There’s really no good explanation for his pose in the third panel unless he’s about to casually look down and say, “Hey, whaddya know? My pants just came undone! Could you help me with that … partner?”