Archive: Pearls Before Swine

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Part of my job here as second-string comic blogger is to watch for developments in the comic-strip universe outside Josh’s King Features-centric orbit, for readers dying for commentary on oh, say, Between Friends or Phoebe and Her Unicorn. You’re welcome!

Herb and Jamaal, 8/31/21

You bet, Herb—try a lot of overanalyzing, that’s the ticket!

Breaking Cat News, 8/31/21

As the Sage once said, “Breaking Cat News is a subject about which reasonable people may disagree.” I keep it on my daily list as a sweetener after hatereads 9 Chickweed Lane and Luann, and before I try to decode Nancy. But I understand the perspective of people who can’t get used to the art—is that watercolor?, or who find the one-note “cats report the news” theme as confining as Kevin and Kell‘s “carnivores and prey try to get along” schtick. If you want to make up your mind in a hurry, dive into the catlady abyss of the strip’s GoComics comment thread.

For the record, though, that is exactly how bluejays converse.

Take It from the Tinkersons, 8/31/21

This is a family strip that gradually went all Dick Tracy on us. Tinkerson père Ted has agreed to wear a wire on Joe, his Sales Manager, for the FBI. Joe is suspected of killing several of Ted’s sociopathic ex-boss Helen’s beaux, among whom he apparently numbers Ted the latest. Only Joe and Ted’s wife Tiff could possibly think this of milquetoast Ted, which is why I hope Joe and Tiff hook up and Ted murders them. Take that, Lockhorns!

Pearls before Swine, 8/31/21

Uh-oh. Better put that flag at half-staff in anticipation.

And hey, panel two violates the “180°” rule and changes Goat’s “How come?” from “How come you ask?” to “How come they sent him?”

Assassinating Rat, or the joke: which is more heinous?

It’s like magic!

If you just gotta gotta have your daily dose of Mary Worth, Funky Winkerbean, or Mark Trail, may I recommend strip specialists Mary Worth and Me, Son of Stuck Funky, and The Daily Trail for deep dives into fan favorites.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Well, kids, as happens every year, I’m about to depart for my annual multi-city Christmas travelganza. I will start posting again on January 2, or thereabouts! But, as has become my wont, I have some fun things to share with you before I sign off for the year.

First up is an awesomely ambitious offering from faithful reader commodorejohn! You may have heard some of this comics-themed music before; now he’s completed an entire concept album called The Funnies, the cover art to which I dearly hope he doesn’t mind that I reproduce here:

With song titles like “Mary Worth Told Me To,” “Bösendorfer Bop,” and “Rockin’ The Armory (Recorded live at the Bucket, August 4th, 2009.)”, how could you go wrong? And it’s downloadable for free! What are you waiting for?

Also! I got a note from faithful reader Kattack about a recent trip she took to Monterey, California, where she encountered a playground dedicated to Dennis the Menace. Here she is, high-fiving and frolicking with the cartoon scamp in an extremely non-menacing fashion:

As is generally the case, the missing menace was provided by raccoons, who have decided to blanket the park with their delicious-looking feces:

“I actually made my whole family go out of their way to find this park once I saw it on a map because I knew you would appreciate it,” Kattack says. “The raccoon shit sign was just a bonus.”

Also! We’ve all been watching in mingled horror and fascination as the Pearls Before Swine characters have, with apparent success, agitated for Ziggy to start wearing pants. But what if things had gone … the other way? The Jumble’s Jeff Knurek dares to visualize it!

And finally! Faithful reader Susan sent me some pics of one of her delightful finds: a Mark Trail coloring book!

Wait, who’s this little blonde girl? A friend for Rusty? Ha ha, just kidding, it’s well known that Rusty has no friends.

What says “good, wholesome fun for kids” more than the severed heads of their favorite comics characters surrounding a personal message from Ronald Reagan’s Secretary of the Interior?

The most unsettling thing to me about this image is Mark and Rusty’s white hair. Kids, do you have an extremely black crayon? One that’s blacker than black? One that’s so black it appears to shine with its own dark, mysterious inner light?

Let me just step in here and say that you don’t own any of America, Rusty. It’s exactly this sort of commie “holding land in common” talk that led directly to Mark’s brutal assault on a duly appointed law enforcement officer.

And on that note, I leave you to your own holiday fun. See ya in 2010, everybody!

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Pearls Before Swine, 9/21/09

Pearls Before Swine parodies Apartment 3-G. Poor Margo.

Edge City, 9/21/09

Last holiday: avoid bread products. Next holiday: promote bread products. Religion is so complicated.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/21/09

For some real money, try ‘Pie-the-Author’: you can pick up cowpies free at any dairy farm.

Dick Tracy, 9/21/09

What? The clown? The one we saw with a blunderbuss back in July? Say it ain’t so!

Judge Parker, 9/21/09

OK blah blah blah Gloria Sanchez sure is hot blah blah blah blah. Got it.

Mark Trail, 9/21/09

Hey, if it’s a good idea to just leave him bob, put him in the water!

— Uncle Lumpy