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Dick Tracy, 12/22/07

I’ve managed to go several weeks without mentioning Dick Tracy, and that’s because it’s been stupid and incomprehensible and insane. The meandering, pointless storyline has involved a maniac holding the governor hostage in an old haunted mansion at the end of a tunnel behind a painting; meanwhile, a wrecking crew has shown up to demolish the house the same day that a high-profile charity haunted house sleepover event involving local politicians is ostensibly in progress inside, and they refuse to obey the orders of the police. Today’s comic is worthy of mention, though, because it features the bad guy (or maybe the governor — I’m not entirely clear on this point) falling to his death, a mighty SPLATT ringing out as his organs are pulped inside his body cavity; then his corpse is mangled by a bulldozer, which the operator of said machine barely notices. I would bet money that this strip runs in at least one newspaper that pulled Zits last month because it used the word “sucks.”

Family Circus, 12/22/07

This sort of blasphemous sass that should definitely not bring a wry little smile to the lips of the mother of any ostensibly Christian household. Mommy needs to get out the crucifix and use it to bludgeon the devil out of her sinful son.

Judge Parker, 12/22/07

Hmm, pot brownies should really leave Abbey “inspired” to do little more than sit in the office and giggle about all the clashing color schemes she keeps coming up with. New theory: meth brownies.

Slylock Fox, 12/22/07

You know what America needs more of? Superheroes that pick up criminals by the scruff of the neck and then punch them in the face.

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Judge Parker, 12/15/07

Good lord, didn’t we polish off this Randy-runs-for-judge storyline more than a year ago, when Randy’s opponent was revealed to have a alcoholic wife and to thus be unsuitable for the bench? Even presidential elections don’t drag out this long. Since then, Randy has clearly been zapped with some kind of dignifying ray, what with his more mature, slightly lined face and sudden penchant for vests. Apparently people don’t want their judges looking like twelve-year-olds.

Still, the fact that Randy’s campaign poster was printed over in “Parkersburg” reveals the Turkmenbashi-style cult of personality that the Parkers hold over this part of the country. With whole towns named after his family, it seems doubtful that anyone could keep Randy from the judgeship that’s been promised him since birth. Voters trudging to the polls under the watchful gaze of the forty-foot-tall golden statue of Judge Parker Senior will know what to do if they want to make it home alive.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/15/07

Boy, ten years have sure allowed Mopey Pete to hone his lady-wooing prowess. Because if there’s one thing a woman looks for in a potential sexual partner, it’s a hand so cramped as to interfere with fine motor control skills.

Family Circus, 12/15/07

This comic probably would have been funnier (though not actually funny per se) if it had been published at some time other than the dead of winter. “It’s called the scream door because when they lock us outside in the snow, we scream through it begging for them to let us back in. Generally they can’t hear us, though, because the inside door is closed and they’re in the living room watching TV.”

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/16/07

Another TDIET from a faithful reader! Today, the Great Ka-Floopa Gush reminds us of those halcyon days of youth, when institutionalized schooling was so dreadful that the sweet embrace of unconsciousness was preferable.

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Mark Trail, 12/13/07

Steve McQueen death hoax shocker!

Shocking evidence from north of the border indicates that movie legend Steve McQueen, universally thought to have died in Mexico in 1980 after receiving nontraditional treatment for his lung cancer, may have faked his death and moved to Canada to achieve his lifelong fantasy: to become a Mountie! “After being a racecar driver and an actor, if Steve could have done one thing, it would have been to join the RCMP,” former wife Ali MacGraw was quoted as saying in a 1986 interview. Now this photo, taken by an anonymous source in a rural Canadian town, confirms that McQueen has been living his dream for the last three decades:

At 77, Sergeant McQueen is the oldest active member of the RCMP.

Judge Parker, 12/13/07

Let’s ignore for the moment the Magical MacGuffin brownies that are only going to disappoint us. Judging by the rather blurry appearance of Sophie in the background, she’s gotten tired of the constant mockery of her lilac pantsuits. Presumably, after carefully studying information she found on the subject on the Internet and making a detailed list of the pros and cons, she decided that it was time for her to experience puberty.

Family Circus, 12/13/07

Or you could just try opening your mouth, Billy. That ought to work pretty well.

For Better Or For Worse, 12/13/07

YES! GIRLFIGHT! GIRLFIGHT! GIRLFIGHT FOR ANTHONY AND FRANCIE’S LOOOOOOOVE! MOST POINTLESS GIRLFIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF GIRLFIGHTS!

Gil Thorp, 12/13/07

Oh my gosh, “Slow down!” That’s even one step beyond “Ease up”! Surely some terribly carnage is about to commence.

Sally Forth, 12/13/07

Goodness, it’s nice to see Ted Forth feeling better. He’s high on life! And possibly meth.