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Sure, Reggie Black’s wife went ballistic on the media last month, and now Judge Parker has moved on plotwise to Neddy’s sadly mom-chaperoned trip to Paris. But the electorate’s memory is notoriously short, and what with the pace of JP’s plot advancement, there’s no doubt a looooong time until the election, so I’m pretty sure Reggie can get back in this thing, provided he sticks with his core message: namely, that Randy Parker is probably a big gay. Faithful reader Wille Thompson took it upon himself to come with Reggie’s next attack ad. Bask in the glory of Wille’s cartoonish Karl Rovery!

In other JP news, you might remember my my vague rumor-mongering about the guest artisting going on in that strip this month. The Daily Cartoonist has a much more detailed explanation of the drama behind the scenes at that strip, which, to make a long story short, has a happy ending in sight, but you should check out the link for the full tale. (Thanks to a commentor for this link — I can’t find the comment that contained it, though, but if you speak up I’ll give you credit! UPDATE: The link was provided by faithful reader blase, who cleverly called the real artist “Eduardo the Unfortunate Uruguayan.” Also, a couple typos in the above graphic have been fixed.)

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Hi, everybody! I’m back at last. I see you’ve all been having fun in my absence (1270+ comments worth of fun!), but I’m rested and ready, if not tanned, and eager to get back in the blogging saddle.

So, how was your Christmas? Did it feel like it was brusquely shoehorned into someone else’s drama, as in Mary Worth?

Was everybody else busy and you had to get your holiday greetings from someone peripheral and random, à la Abbey the Wonderdog in Rex Morgan, M.D.?

Or were you fobbed off on some generic winter scene that had nothing to do with anyone you know or have even heard of, as in Judge Parker?

Or, perhaps worst of all, did you have to spend the week staring into the dead, soulless eyes of your hideous square-headed family, as in Gil Thorp?

OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, MAKE THEM STOP STARING AT ME! AAAHHHHHH!

Ahem. Anyhoo, not a whole lot of great interest to report in the comics, as they mostly treaded water during a low-readership week. The most action took place among the foobs, most of which was easily predicted and won’t be rehashed here. There were a few bright spots, though. Mark Trail featured this happy, non-beaver-slaughtering scene:

I don’t know what’s creepier: the chipper “Thanks for not killing the beavers!”, or the way daddy’s fondling that chicken leg.

Speaking of beavers, Barreto needs to get back to Judge Parker ASAP before Sophie turns into one permanently.

In non-beaver news, Mary Worth can pretend that she’s dreaming about her not-boyfriend, but thought balloons don’t lie: her main interest, as always, is herself.

And in Milford, we learn that the aesthetic requirements for “favorite couple” are shockingly low.

And! You may have missed your chance to give the gift of Comics Curmudgeon gear for Christmas, but Valentine’s Day is coming up! What better way to say “I love you” than a shirt bearing the crazed rantings of a drunk? Faithful reader Genetic Mishap, who designed this logo, here re-enacts this classic scene:

She also illustrates that the shirt also works when you’re not imitating comics characters:

Operators are standing by, so buy yours today!

Finally, let’s get the new year off on a good foot with a tacky joke about cancer:

Funky Winkerbean, 1/1/07

See, they totally set up a great Yul Brynner joke here and then completely failed to follow through with it.

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Judge Parker, 12/18/06

None of the soap opera strips can really be said to move quickly (except for the disorienting crank binge that is Gil Thorp), but those in the know know that nothing moves more slowly than Judge Parker. Today’s evidence: I’ve read every single Judge Parker for the last two years, and “Marie” is clearly supposed to be a recurring and beloved character, but I have no idea who the hell she is. Presumably she jetted off to visit with her bother for a long weekend about 72 hours ago in strip time.

Guest artist watch: Abbey’s resplendent she-mullet is looking almost normal in panel two, there, buster. Not nearly enough poof on top.

Dick Tracy, 12/18/06

The QLUNQ in today’s Dick Tracy has generated more comments and e-mails than any other comic sound effect in recent memory, most of which can be summed up as “What the hell kind of sound effect is QLUNQ?” Well, the largest denomination of U.S. currency in current circulation is the $100 bill, and there’s 50,000 bills in that suitcase, and 490 bills weigh one pound, so I’d say QLUNQ is the noise that 102 pounds of money and a suitcase make when they run into the side of a human skull. 102 pounds of money and a suitcase thrown one-armed, incidentally. And they say scientists are skinny, nerdy types!

Dennis the Menace, 12/18/06

Well, Dennis has certainly left meancehood behind long ago, but we can take heart that at least he hasn’t gone so far in the other direction as to have become Christ-like.

Yet, anyway.