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Hi, everybody! I’m back at last. I see you’ve all been having fun in my absence (1270+ comments worth of fun!), but I’m rested and ready, if not tanned, and eager to get back in the blogging saddle.

So, how was your Christmas? Did it feel like it was brusquely shoehorned into someone else’s drama, as in Mary Worth?

Was everybody else busy and you had to get your holiday greetings from someone peripheral and random, à la Abbey the Wonderdog in Rex Morgan, M.D.?

Or were you fobbed off on some generic winter scene that had nothing to do with anyone you know or have even heard of, as in Judge Parker?

Or, perhaps worst of all, did you have to spend the week staring into the dead, soulless eyes of your hideous square-headed family, as in Gil Thorp?

OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, MAKE THEM STOP STARING AT ME! AAAHHHHHH!

Ahem. Anyhoo, not a whole lot of great interest to report in the comics, as they mostly treaded water during a low-readership week. The most action took place among the foobs, most of which was easily predicted and won’t be rehashed here. There were a few bright spots, though. Mark Trail featured this happy, non-beaver-slaughtering scene:

I don’t know what’s creepier: the chipper “Thanks for not killing the beavers!”, or the way daddy’s fondling that chicken leg.

Speaking of beavers, Barreto needs to get back to Judge Parker ASAP before Sophie turns into one permanently.

In non-beaver news, Mary Worth can pretend that she’s dreaming about her not-boyfriend, but thought balloons don’t lie: her main interest, as always, is herself.

And in Milford, we learn that the aesthetic requirements for “favorite couple” are shockingly low.

And! You may have missed your chance to give the gift of Comics Curmudgeon gear for Christmas, but Valentine’s Day is coming up! What better way to say “I love you” than a shirt bearing the crazed rantings of a drunk? Faithful reader Genetic Mishap, who designed this logo, here re-enacts this classic scene:

She also illustrates that the shirt also works when you’re not imitating comics characters:

Operators are standing by, so buy yours today!

Finally, let’s get the new year off on a good foot with a tacky joke about cancer:

Funky Winkerbean, 1/1/07

See, they totally set up a great Yul Brynner joke here and then completely failed to follow through with it.

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Judge Parker, 12/18/06

None of the soap opera strips can really be said to move quickly (except for the disorienting crank binge that is Gil Thorp), but those in the know know that nothing moves more slowly than Judge Parker. Today’s evidence: I’ve read every single Judge Parker for the last two years, and “Marie” is clearly supposed to be a recurring and beloved character, but I have no idea who the hell she is. Presumably she jetted off to visit with her bother for a long weekend about 72 hours ago in strip time.

Guest artist watch: Abbey’s resplendent she-mullet is looking almost normal in panel two, there, buster. Not nearly enough poof on top.

Dick Tracy, 12/18/06

The QLUNQ in today’s Dick Tracy has generated more comments and e-mails than any other comic sound effect in recent memory, most of which can be summed up as “What the hell kind of sound effect is QLUNQ?” Well, the largest denomination of U.S. currency in current circulation is the $100 bill, and there’s 50,000 bills in that suitcase, and 490 bills weigh one pound, so I’d say QLUNQ is the noise that 102 pounds of money and a suitcase make when they run into the side of a human skull. 102 pounds of money and a suitcase thrown one-armed, incidentally. And they say scientists are skinny, nerdy types!

Dennis the Menace, 12/18/06

Well, Dennis has certainly left meancehood behind long ago, but we can take heart that at least he hasn’t gone so far in the other direction as to have become Christ-like.

Yet, anyway.

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Sally Forth, 12/11/06

You know, if the world around me had suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke and I found myself on a higher plane, face to face with a benevolent, all-powerful deity who offered me a chance to come up with a definitive catalog of horrifying, traumatic things that, thanks to His all-loving power and favor, I would never, ever have to look at, it would never even have occurred to me before today to add “bald Sally Forth” to the list; and if such a blessed event ever happens to me in the future, there’s really no point, since I can never unsee it.

I like to imagine that Sally’s hair just came off in one immobile unit, with her classic freakish hairstyle undisturbed despite its separation from her head, and that somewhere a cancer survivor who tried to save a few bucks is kind of peeved with that decision.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/11/06

TDIET, tired of wasting its petty rage on intergenerational squabbles and marital discord, has decided to wade into the public health arena. I’d just like to point out that any establishment that sells cigarettes in bulk mere feet away from its inhaler stand isn’t just laying the groundwork for classic funny-pages irony; it’s also destined to make money hand over fist, as consumption of the former inevitably necessitates the purchase of wares from the latter for the customer and all those who share airspace with him. That’s what we call synergy, folks.

Judge Parker, 12/11/06

You know, usually Monday soap strips are boring, since they need to just rehash what happened Sunday, but I think we deserve a double shot of Celeste’s magnificient wrath. I do appreciate the appearance of Officer Flattop McMustache in the second panel; his slack-jawed, panicked face tells us that nothing in his police academy training, or his years as a U.S. Marine before that, could have prepared him for this. Hopefully tomorrow’s strip will feature less petition filing and more tasering.