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Judge Parker, 9/3/20

Oh c’mon people, this show should obviously and entirely be about April Bowers-Parker. Norton is comic relief, Godiva’s dead foot showed up in one frame, and her vengeance-crazed Austrian producer/druglord/CIA-stooge boyfriend didn’t even rate a name. Neddy? Two lines and a Supporting Cast credit as “Entitled Girl,” best case.

And don’t forget that Neddy and Ronnie rewrote the script to April’s specifications at gunpoint. April put “her truth … her life” in Neddy’s hands, demanded Neddy not disappoint her, and threatened murder if the studio made revisions to the script. So if this doesn’t turn out to be April’s story, Neddy’s gonna die, ’cause April’s nuts, yo. All in all, pretty terrific television!

But does any of this matter to Neddy? Nope. I wouldn’t even be surprised to see her set up a hit of her own, to stop more interesting people from stealing all that sweet attention.

Beetle Bailey, 9/3/20

I’m delighted to learn Mort Walker isn’t really dead, but alarmed that his human form is being eradicated line by line in some afterlife purgatorium while his creatures grin and wave.

Phantom, 9/3/20

One of my least favorite Spider-Man and Silver Age Superman tropes is the Secret Identity Crisis, as in: “Oh Jeez, somebody took a photo of me rescuing a bunch of Burmese kids and now they want to make a stamp out of the photo and when they postmark the stamp the O’s in “Rangoon” will frame my eyes like glasses and everybody will realize I’m Clark Kent!” But I think the Walkers have legitimate grounds for concern here. Kadia Sahara knows that Heloise’s Dad is a mysterious well-built guy who never shows his eyes, is good at heroics, and is in with Bangalla’s President. Mom Imara has seen — in and out of costume — a mysterious well-built guy who never shows his eyes, is good at heroics, and can be reached by mailing a letter to the Walkers. Connect the dots, Saharas!

And Walkers, change either that “Ghost Who Walks” tagline or your family name: “The Schwimmers” has a nice ring to it!

Hello, faithful readers! I’m letting Josh out of quarantine for a well-deserved break through Sunday the 13th; reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you have any problems with the site.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Funky Winkerbean, 8/2/20

Man, Funky Winkerbean is really going for it with this fire, huh? This strip strongly reminds me of one from 2009 (note to self: embark on a rigorous journey of self-discovery to learn why I have instant recall of eleven-year-old Funky Winkerbeans) where Funky gets a text from his doctor about his cancerous prostate while a TV in the background drones on about the collapse of the economy. Today’s strip has a different vibe, though, in that the foreground action is actually upbeat for once. I’m assuming that everyone’s happiness is going to be upended when the fire destroys, you know, everything, but it would be kind of funny if we never hear about it again, but we should just keep in mind that it was there during a happy moment, like a skull hidden in the corner of a painting from one of the Dutch Masters to remind us of our own looming mortality.

Judge Parker, 8/2/20

I’m not really sure if calling the wife of one of your opponent’s primary backers is the “obvious angle,” actually, but I guess I’m only beginning to appreciate how byzantine and vicious the politics are of a small suburban town in Connecticut (?), where I assume the primary job of the municipal government is to negotiate contracts for snowplowing services.

Mary Worth, 8/2/20

Aww, despite her initial hostility, Madi has finally made friends with both Mary and Greta. Will she also bond with Saul? I hope not! I hope she keeps leaving her clothes all over his condo for the next three months, until her CIA assassin dad comes back to collect her!

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Judge Parker, 7/28/20

You might be tempted to think that the current Judge Parker storyline has a certain political point of view based on current events, what with the antagonist incumbent mayor demanding his aides go mask free and lashing out against bad poll numbers. But you have to admit that he really is a victim of a “deep state” conspiracy, in which entrenched, corrupt officials and the town’s out-of-touch elite are working in concert to bring him down and replace him with their preferred puppet candidate!

Crankshaft, 7/28/20

The Phantom Empire is an old serial from the ’30s that has an extremely bonkers plot, starting off as a Western starring Gene Autry as, basically, himself, and somehow ending up deep under the earth’s surface battling a super-advanced civilization from the lost continent of Mu (“The idea for the plot came to writer Wallace MacDonald when he was under gas having a tooth extracted“). The important thing here though is that it’s not part of the Star Trek mythos, nor does it star Leonard Nimoy (understandable, as he was only four years old when the serial was made), so, uh, does anyone know what Pam’s talking about? I’m not sure what Pam’s talking about.

Blondie 7/28/20

Dagwood smugly shitting on the young is nothing new in this strip, so let’s just take a moment to appreciate how much chutzpah it takes to shit on the young while you lounge around the house wearing loafers and a mustard-colored polo shirt tucked into khaki cargo shorts, with a black belt really bringing the outfit together.

Mark Trail, 7/28/20

Am I sad that we’re not finding out what’s happening with Jeremy Cartwright? You bet. But is the vision of a man half-heartedly tossing a cat (?) into the middle of a dirt road and saying “Sorry about this… Good luck!” the absolute funniest thing you or I or anyone else will see this year? Yes. Absolutely yes.