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Panel from Mary Worth, 3/8/20

Here it is, folks: the greatest Mary Worth throwaway panel ever created. It’s a wild swing from an emotionally resonant quote from one of the great works of classic literature to the big reveal of the title of that Star Wars parody film they’ve been nattering on about all week, which is like fourteen times dumber than any of us could’ve possibly imagined, and I for one am enjoying the ride.

Judge Parker, 3/8/20

Hey, remember when Judge Parker Senior, the title character of the strip Judge Parker, went to jail? Later he got out and that was less fun, but, hear me out: what if everyone in this strip ends up going to jail?

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Judge Parker, 2/27/20

How’s Judge Parker Senior’s mayoral campaign going? Well, when he had his surrogates float the idea to the media that he might be thinking about a run, they ran a story on the evening news featuring footage of him being led off to prison in handcuffs, so, not great, it turns out! Still, Sam urges Alan to keep his focus on the people he’s really working for: the prisoners, the ones he met in jail and who helped him understand things about society that he never had before, the ones who he’s going to free by dynamiting the prison walls and turn into an unstoppable army that he’ll use to rule Cavelton with iron fist. Remember how Bane ran Gotham for the last half of The Dark Knight Rises? It’ll be like that.

The Lockhorns, 2/27/20

Wow, never mind the typical gloomy facial expressions on Leroy and Loretta: check out the profoundly intense frown on the face of their poor houseguest. I mean, you don’t expect anyone hanging out with them for any length of time to be happy about it, exactly, but this poor fellow seems to have absorbed the house’s negative energy like a sponge and is probably going to drop dead of a bile overdose at any moment.

Zits, 2/27/20

Zits is not a strip I talk about very often here, but I promise you this: I will always absolutely let you know when it abruptly veers into ass-themed body horror.

Mark Trail, 2/27/20

Wow, you heard it here first, folks: Rusty is going to get red-pilled by reading the unpleasantly ribald comments about Luann on GoComics.com.

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Judge Parker, 2/14/20

Well, it looks like Judge Parker is about to descend into meta-narrative as our soap-opera-strip town becomes the backdrop to an in-universe soap opera TV show, at least until April gets mad about lack of creative control and emerges from hiding to murder everybody. Mostly I’m excited because I’ve just realized that the Netflix exec in charge of all this looks uncannily like Amy Klobuchar, which makes sense considering her main role in the story so far has been to be mean to everyone around her.

Family Circus, 2/14/20

I don’t know why, but it bothers me so much that these kids have only sort of vaguely touched Ma Keane’s Valentine’s Day chocolates with their teeth. Does anyone think these two melonheads have the self-control and discipline necessary to not gobble down the candy as soon as they put it in their mouths? I definitely don’t, and you expect me to believe that Jeffy does? Jeffy? Please.

Blondie, 2/14/20

I don’t know, man, stopping in mid conversation to put on a coat, walk outside, and then engage in a performative display of affection for a specific audience doesn’t say “spontaneity” or “pizazz” to me so much as “desperately trying to prove something to others, and maybe in so doing proving something … to yourself.”