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Funky Winkerbean, 9/5/17

You might remember my attempts from this past spring to untangle the nature of the “trilogy” Les has been working on for years now. I guess my real problem was that I was assuming that this was an intra-universe narrative question, that the graphic novels under consideration only existed within the fictional Funkyverse. But last week people started tweeting me pictures of actual, physical copies of said books, because of course this is a tie-in to a real series of ultra-depressing Lisa novels you can buy in real life. Just as with, I guess, the in-universe version, the middle volume of the trilogy, Lisa’s Story, was published more than a decade ago, and consists of collected strips about Lisa’s original cancer diagnosis and its later recurrence, along with “resource material on breast cancer, including early detection, information sources, support systems, and health care.” I have no idea if the prequel and sequel books are just collected comics from the strip or have new material or what, or if the third book, still apparently called The Last Leaf, has much by way of the promised Cayla material. On the one hand that looks like Cayla on the cover, but on the other it’s subtitled “Lisa’s Story Concludes,” so! Anyway, I can’t tell you any of this because for whatever reason I am not among the elect few to have received a review copy, despite my tireless efforts over the years to make the world aware of Les’s deep emotional commitment to his dead wife. If you’ve snagged a copy, let us know what you think!

Judge Parker, 9/5/17

Oh, so it’s Godiva who’s taking the public blame for the great factory implosion now? Even though it was Neddy who insisted on building a wobbly stack of shipping containers and calling it a factory and who bribed the building inspectors when they started asking too many questions? Uncle Lumpy suggested that she’d pin it all on Hank, but Hank has his, ahem, uses, so Godiva was always the more likely and less likable target for Spence-Driver PR jujitsu. Was Sophie’s kidnapping just part of a larger plot to build up sympathy for Ned?

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/2/17

Usually Snuffy’s brushes with the law are depicted with the same jocular gloss as the rest of Hootin’ Holler’s dysfunctional culture. The crimes are generally relatively low-impact stuff like bootlegging and chicken thievery, and Snuffy goes to jail for a few days and there’s tongue-lolling hilarity all around. Today … today is different. The Holler’s judge, the only real representative of outside authority in this lawless community, looks genuinely horrified by the case he’s just finished presiding over: has his previous indulgent attitude led to this? Even Snuffy and Loweezy look like they’re suffering true shame. My assumption is that the generations-old Smif-Barlow fued finally escalated to the point where Sheriff Tate stumbled upon a ramshackle cabin on the creek where Barlow corpses were stacked like cordwood.

Spider-Man, 9/2/17

Wait, Kala and Mole-Man were engaged? You know, for a gnomish, homely, nearly blind cave-dweller, he still gets his fair share of attention from the ladies! This makes Kala’s insistence that her husband not disrupt the Mole-Man/Aunt May wedding all the more poignant. Why can’t everyone in this strip be as emotionally advanced as her?

Pluggers, 9/2/17

It’s no “Rhino-Man hocks his TV,” but “pluggers feel overpowering shame over something that’s entirely harmless and increasingly socially normalized” is pretty high up there in the pantheon of Extremely Grim Pluggers Punchlines, in my opinion.

Judge Parker, 9/2/17

“To the CIA! Once we turn in your wife, we can stop worrying about this — and, here’s the best part, probably get a big reward!”

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Judge Parker, 8/30/17

Oh, hey, Judge Parker, what’s been going on with you? Well it turns out April stopped by to leave an explanatory video where she explained that a group of her fellow CIA agents tricked her into unwittingly becoming a rogue agent, so now she’s on the run from everybody, but meanwhile she spirited her daughter away to her sketchy-ass and now mysteriously ruddy dad, who’s now had quite enough of the grandchild-raising and is dumping the kid on Judge Parker Emeritus, who has to raise her in Secret. The real weak link in that plan is Trophy Wife Number [DATA CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE] Katherine Parker, who is notoriously stepgrandchild hungry and who may be physically unable to stop herself from sharing photos on social media, thus getting April, Randy, and everyone else blessedly killed.

Mary Worth, 8/30/17

So I guess Mary Worth is committed to going the “he’s a genuinely nice person who only propositioned Dawn the one time and truly cares about her well-being” route with Jared, even as they layer on the “oh also he’s a loser nerd” signifiers. It’s nice to see a loving cat dad portrayed in a positive manner in mass media, of course, and I’m glad the ubiquitous Food Shapes In Varying Earth Tones meals so popular in Santa Royale are available in microwaveable dinners for one. But, I gotta say: that window display? With some of the most mainstream Star Wars characters on offer? A real fan would have a Bib Fortuna, Jek Porkins, and R5D4 up there. This guy smells like a fake geek boy to me.

Six Chix, 8/30/17

Nice try, doc, but the radiant light suffusing heaven is emitted from an omnibenevolent deity and can’t possibly include damaging ultraviolet radiation. You know what can burn human flesh, though? Hellfire. Your husband went to hell, lady.

Marvin, 8/30/17

In today’s Marvin, we learn that the title character’s sandbox is so thoroughly soaked with piss that it can support semi-aquatic fauna!