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Judge Parker, 7/21/16

INT. – MONSTER BEVERAGE CORP. – DAY

DIRECTOR OF YOUTH MARKETING AND BRAND AWARENESS: You wanted to see me, sir?

CEO: What the hell is this?

DIRECTOR OF YOUTH MARKETING AND BRAND AWARENESS: Uh, I think it’s a … newspaper? I don’t subscribe to one myself, but…

CEO: No, this comic strip. What in the name of God are we doing in this thing?

DIRECTOR OF YOUTH MARKETING AND BRAND AWARENESS: Oh, that! That’s part of our big spend on native content for the quarter, sir.

CEO: So we paid for this. To reach out to … teens?

DIRECTOR OF YOUTH MARKETING AND BRAND AWARENESS: Yes, sir! You can see from the characters that it’s a teen-oriented strip.

CEO: …

DIRECTOR OF YOUTH MARKETING AND BRAND AWARENESS: I mean, just look at the characters! A multi-ethnic group, engaging in drama. If there’s one thing our research shows that teens love, it’s drama.

CEO: …

DIRECTOR OF YOUTH MARKETING AND BRAND AWARENESS: Just a group of diverse teens, in a band, participating in drama, enjoying Monster Energy beverages. Well worth the $450,000 we spent for the placement!

CEO: [presses button on desk] Security, please come to my office.

Lockhorns, 7/21/16

Man, if I knew someone who sent out paper invitations to parties instead of just creating Facebook events for them, I probably wouldn’t visit their Facebook page either. If they don’t use Facebook even for one of its most popular and useful features, then their Facebook page is probably hella boring.

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Funky Winkerbean, 7/20/16

It’s hard to remember now, but Funky Winkerbean used to be a fun, whimsical strip that included exaggerated, cartoonish elements, like Les serving as a hall monitor in a machine gun nest, which readers did not immediately assume meant that he had finally snapped and planned to gun down the whole town. The current plotline, involving Darrin and Mopey Pete raiding a cargo ship off the coast of Los Angeles to get a crate of Darrin’s favorite pens, seems to harken back to those days of yore, but mostly just makes it clear that you can never actually go home again. These strips are embedded in the current hyper-realistic, hyper-pessimistic version of Funky Winkerbean, and all I can think about while catching up on their hijinks is their inevitable rendition to Guantanamo Bay and trial before a military tribunal for violation of various Laws of the Sea.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/20/16

From the look on Samanthy Jane’s face, it seems that she alone is beginning to question Hootin’ Holler’s political order, in which citizens attempt to decipher the will of a hereditary line of dogs as the basis for government policy.

Judge Parker, 7/20/16

“No, no, let’s do the unpaved road thing! It’s a totally normal and efficient shortcut, and definitely not through the property of some crazed murderous friends of my dad who will kill everyone but Derek and then lock him up in their art cave, where only I’ll be allowed access to him!”

Mary Worth, 7/20/16

“Has your brother considered switching from booze to pills? I understand they’re extremely relaxing.”

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Judge Parker, 7/11/16

I don’t really have the strength to get into the various nuances of the Sophie-Derek-Honey triangle, or how the details have shifted over time to make Sophie look better. I just want to enjoy Derek’s hilarious pissyface in panel one. Look at that thing! It’s almost like he thought inviting two girls who like him but hate each other on this trip was a good idea and the scenario was going to work out great for him and everyone else involved. Sorry Derek!

Gil Thorp, 7/11/16

Is this funeral in a church? I really want Tru to have his full on nihilist breakdown in a church. “Some things are just random. No omniscient deity guides us towards an ending that was meant to be! Nothing has any meaning!” [clergyman attempts to drag him away] “Get your hands off me, you charlatan!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/11/16

Meanwhile, in the “Rex found valuable comic books under the floorboard of his attic” plot, Rex’s pals are putting the valuable comic books that have been slowly mouldering under the floorboards of Rex’s attic for decades into protective sleeves, apparently under the misapprehension that protective sleeves work retroactively.

Slylock Fox, 7/11/16

You know, considering how often Slylock has Max and Melanie over socially, you’d think he’d get some chairs they could actually sit in.

(Psst! Today’s the twelfth anniversary of the day I started this blog by writing a pissy screed about Non Sequitur, for some reason! Thanks to everyone who’s been reading for twelve years or twelve minutes. It’s still fun and you’re all great!)