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Dick Tracy, 7/4/12

Oh, what’s that, Communist? You’re just a little too busy on this July 4th Freedom America day to admire the US flag? Dick Tracy would like to have some words with you. He’s in the middle of a bloody shootout with Mr. Crime’s gang, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have time to find an enormous American flag and salute it! Those explosions behind him aren’t fireworks; they’re actual gunfire. Dick Tracy won’t let mortal danger get in the way of his patriotism!

Funky Winkerbean, 7/4/12

How great is America? So great that everyone, even non-human primates, are trying to gain entry by any means necessary.

Luann, 7/4/12

Not that we should just open the floodgates to baboons, or, worse, Australians. Luann and Quill finally advanced from endless flirting to light making out, and within minutes, the U.S. government moved to deport his entirely family, making sure that he keeps his filthy foreign paws off of virtuous American girls.

Mary Worth, 7/4/12

Meanwhile, Wilbur has only been out of America’s nourishing atmosphere for a few days, and already he’s degenerating into a sadistic monster. “Imagine the history of this place! Gladiators stood here thousands of years ago, savagely murdering one another, or attacking innocent victims persecuted for their political or religious beliefs, or being torn to pieces by wild beasts … all for my amusement! I can almost smell the blood!”

Hi and Lois, 7/4/12

Back home, the Flagstons clearly believe that America’s independence is best celebrated as far from their fellow Americans as possible.

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Luann, 6/19/12

Thank goodness Luann has recently made some ham-handed attempts to condemn bullying, because now we know how to recognize bullying in action. These two friends are playing a trick on someone they don’t like, which will probably leave her feeling humiliated and ashamed! Oh, wait, what’s that? The two friend characters are defined as good within the context of the strip, and the other one is defined as bad? Whoops, sorry, it’s not bullying at all, just a gal who’s too sexy having her sexy feelings turned against her! Sorry for the confusion. We hope that today’s final panel can at least inspire you with erotic feelings as well as deserved satisfaction at this harlot’s comeuppance.

Gil Thorp, 6/19/12

In today’s Gil Thorp, a cunningly placed word balloon labels a teen mom (whom other players’ parents tried to force off the team lest she inspire the other softball players to sluttery) as a MILF, which normally would be pretty horrifying but after that Luann ick it just kinda seems like good clean fun.

Apartment 3-G, 6/19/12

OK, I’ve never experienced labor myself, but my understanding is that one does not go directly from “I am feeling discomfort that could be reasonably construed as the stomach flu” to “Oh my God I am in such excruciating pain that I cannot get myself downstairs to a cab or even crawl into the hallway to alert other people in this apartment building to my plight.” Though I suppose it’s possible that Nina has long ago alienated all her neighbors with her imperious behavior and so she figures it’s better to give birth alone than to beg one of them for help. Anyway, our poor little rich girl seems to be bucking up in the final panel, which is too bad considering that she’s sitting in a rapidly spreading pool of inky blackness, which presumably heralds the arrival of whatever hell-demon is gestating in her womb.

Mark Trail, 6/19/12

“He’ll never be able to outrun us! Not with those absurdly tiny feet!”

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Slylock Fox, 5/29/12

Every once in a while, Slylock Fox offers a little glimpse of the moment when our safe, normal, H. sapiens-ruled world suddenly turned into an awful madhouse of anthropomorphized animals with their own views on criminal law. Look at the facial expression on that fellow in both these Six Difference scenes! Is that a man who’s thinking “My goodness, this is an unexpected but ultimately pleasant blast of cool water on a hot day”? No, not at all! He’s terrified. That face says, “Wait, has that dog learned to operate a hose? Is he standing on his hind legs? Oh my God, he has thumbs. Thumbs. He’s laughing at me. Laughing! Oh God, this is it! I knew I should have sent a check when the Humane Society mailed me those address labels, I knew it! I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY! I KNEW MY MOM WASN’T REALLY SENDING OUR DOG TO A ‘FARM UPSTATE,’ BUT I NEVER SAID ANYTHING! I SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING! OH, GOD, I’M SO SORRY!”

Luann, 5/29/12

You know, there was a time where I might have claimed that Knute and Crystal were my favorite Luann characters — not, of course, because of any virtues of their own, but because they were presented as a radical alternative to their fellow Pitts High students, and therefore were kind of likable by default, in a “the enemy of my enemy” sort of way. But now they’ve become just like all their fellow damned Luanniverse souls, in that their primary mode of interaction involves gross faux-titillating banter. At least today’s “Heh, I sure would like to get naked with you in the menswear section of this department store” episode is significantly more tolerable than “I wanna hear you pee.”

Judge Parker, 5/29/12

Speaking of faux-sexual antics, the seduction of Sam Driver is now in full swing, with Avery and Peaches gamely trying to prove that even fly fishing can be eroticized, if you try hard enough.