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The Phantom, 9/8/24

Phantom was growing increasingly vexed
That the proles would identify him as John X.
So by making up missions and playing a role
He set out to bewilder the Jungle Patrol.

Now you may think the Phantom was being a dick,
But protecting The Legend is part of his schtick
And he doesn’t much mind it’s exacting a toll
On his credulous fans at the Jungle Patrol!

So poor Colonel Worubu is having a sad
‘Cause he’s lost the best buddy that he never had.
But his misery’s nothing but damage control
To the Unknown Commander of Jungle Patrol!

Mark Trail, 9/8/24

Mark proposes to save the Catalina Quail by burning down its habitat. It’s possible he doesn’t see that “local shrubbery” and “overgrown uncleared brush” are the same thing. It’s certain he hasn’t thought this all the way through. Either way though, roast quail is delicious.

Family Circus, 9/8/24

What’s more tragic: that Jeffy will grow into a sleep-deprived corporate drone like his Dad, or that Bil will deteriorate into a scatterbrained idiot like his son?

Rex Morgan, M.D. (panels), 9/8/24

Your finger hurts. No one can help you. No one cares. Your career is over and your life is meaningless. Sit, Truck, sit. Sit like you’ve never sat before.

—Uncle Lumpy

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith 8/31/24

You know, I’ve been doing this blog for two decades now, and yet somehow until today I’ve never paused to ask myself the question, “I wonder how Snuffy and Loweezy’s sex life is going?” It’s immediately clear that there’s no “good” answer to this — all the possibilities summon up further unpleasant thoughts and imagery, in their own way — but I’m here to tell you that the answer is “not well.” You can understand why Loweezy might have thought that tonight was a night she was going to get lucky: panel one makes it clear that Snuffy wore his extra-tight overalls to flatter his shapely buttocks, although I guess that’s just to entice Parson Tuttle to get wild and crazy and switch over from CBS to NBC tonight.

Mark Trail, 8/31/24

OK, sorry, I’m willing to accept that Mark is going to write a story about a movie director who accidentally trapped himself in his Catalina Island home with a bunch of lions and is even taking Rusty along on the trip, but if there’s one thing you know I won’t stand for, it’s abuse of Los Angeles geography. If you’re driving from LAX to the Catalina ferry terminal in Long Beach, Santa Monica is in the exact opposite direction of where you’re going! You just added at least an hour to your trip, depending on traffic, and there’s always traffic! Rusty needs to be banned from the next three fishing trips, minimum!

Hagar the Horrible, 8/31/24

Now, keep in mind, when Hagar says “epic,” he’s not talking like some 21st century bro; he literally means that his clan’s bard will be composing an epic oral poem about his warband’s voyage to the Kingdom of Mann and the Isles and the strange Brythonic magic they encountered there. The mutilation of Lucky Eddie’s face will be one of the “funny” parts.

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Mark Trail, 8/3/24

Bill, I know you’re very busy with all the jobs the editor of a modern 21st century publication like Woods and Wildlife has to handle (mostly working on greenwashing sponcon articles extolling the environmental bona fides of the United Arab Emirates’ state-owned oil company), but Mark is not making a pun! He’s playing off the polysemy of a single word, not using a word that sounds like another word! Your editorial staff would be ashamed, if you hadn’t replaced them with the Grammarly browser plug-in.

Curtis, 8/3/24

The Curtis summer storyline is about how Curtis got a job at a local florist shop, which he likes, except the shop is going to close down soon because it’s not doing well financially, and its owners are going to move back to England, where they’re from. It’s been pretty boring so far, and I wasn’t really interested in it, until today, when I learned that the store parrot wants the store to fail, and is blocking innovative new revenue ideas to ensure that happens, and now I am locked in.

Marvin, 8/3/24

Good news, everyone! Marvin characters are starting to be haunted by the spectre of death! I certainly hope this trend soon starts to move in on the strip’s more prominent characters, who I’ve gotten to know and really dislike over the years.