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Mark Trail, 12/21/17

Ooops, it looks like our mysterious Orientalist caricature didn’t want to buy Dirty’s dirty (literally dirty, since they’d been up his butt, probably) diamonds, and is only willing to hand over a modest four-figure sum from his Enormous Safe of Cash and Gold Bars for Dirty’s trouble. Too bad Dirty seems to have an very large knife tucked into his belt, right near his butt, where he likes to store things, apparently? The upcoming vicious stabbing is going to be a valuable lesson to all of us about doing business with a guy who really, really insists that people call him “Dirty.” When someone shows you who they are — by, for instance, using a nickname that implies that they’re shady or criminal or bad in some way — you should believe them, you know?

Shoe, 12/21/17

I was going to make joke here along the lines of “Because Washington is on Earth, and your telescope is pointed towards the sky,” but then I thought — are these guys on Earth? Or are they on Planet Bird or whatever? Is this tech-wizard bird-man, despite the Perfesser’s dismissal, keenly observing the seat of American power through his telescope with envious eyes, his intellect vast and cool and unsympathetic, and slowly and surely drawing his plans against us?

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/16/17

So, my guess on the nosy old people here is that li’l Johnny, whose father died in a drunk-driving accident, actually does have family to take care of him, despite Margie’s insistence that he did not, probably because she never liked her in-laws or something. I guess we’re up for an exploration of a thorny ethical dilemma: who should gain custody of an orphaned child? His biological kin, or the best friend from middle school of the kid’s mother, who she hasn’t seen in 25 years but whose life seems pretty together, based on what she posts on Facebook?

Mark Trail, 12/16/17

“Nothing beats a home-cooked meal! Now I’m going to lay supine on the floor and you can regurgitate those delicious enchiladas right down my gullet!”

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Mary Worth, 12/15/17

I am as always extremely here for Mary’s consistent “age ain’t nothin’ but a number” attitude about the Zak-Iris romance. It is of course all the more hilariously deployed in reaction to Toby’s gender-normative discomfort, since her transformation from hipster Greenwich Village artist to bored California trophy wife and occasional sculptor of hideous animal-blobs began when she as a mere lass was swept off her feet by a drunken, late-middle-aged Ian. Anyway, Mary’s drive-by shaming of Toby’s hypocrisy is great, but I hope the real point of all this becomes clear when one of the hunky fortysomething venture capitalists investing in Zak’s dumb video game company comes calling and Mary’s like “Dr. Jeff? I don’t know anybody by that name!”

Gil Thorp, 12/15/17

Gil Thorp is by definition a comic strip that’s heavily invested in high school athletics, and I guess we’ve finally got to the point of this football season’s storyline, which is that, sure, sometimes promising young men play football and get concussions that turn their brains into goo, but what if they love playing football, and what about loyalty, discipline, and hard work, and what are the other options, huh? Some dork with a goatee trying to strongarm you into becoming a YouTube singing sensation??? This feminized PC culture makes me sick.

Mark Trail, 12/15/17

OK, fine, if we’re not going to get an extended storyline where Mark and Johnny actually perform a wildlife census, at least let us flash back to that time Mark got stranded in the Great Plains without any food and had to survive by making “prairie dog tacos.”

Blondie, 12/15/17

As Christmas approaches, please let’s remember the real reason for the season: goosing sales in order to shore up the collapsing retail sector by offering no-interest loans to an already over-indebted populace!

Six Chix, 12/15/17

hey this is a metaphor for the current housing affordability crisis but if you take it to its logical conclusion all those pricey new homes are made from human flesh OK enjoy your weekend everybody