Archive: Mark Trail

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Mark Trail, 3/13/17

Hey, parents: if your kid asks for $60,000 so they can get an MFA in film from USC or whatever, be aware that probably the best job they can get upon graduation is running black-footed ferret and prairie dog surveys out in South Dakota’s tornado alley.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/13/17

Oh, hey, were you worried that Sarah’s amnesia was going to interfere with her schooling? Well, don’t fret: Welton Green may talk a big game about assessing talent and intellect, but as long as your check clears, they don’t really give a shit about things that don’t involve your check clearing.

The Lockhorns, 3/13/17

Leroy’s boss hasn’t bothered him in a week, because he murdered his boss and left his corpse to putrefy right there in his cube!

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Funky Winkerbean, 3/11/17

OK, since we reintroduced the “Les has writer’s block” plot last week, I decided to dig into my archives and figure out what book exactly Les is trying and failing to write. This is his recent writing career, as near as I’ve been able to reconstruct it:

  • 10/13/14: After winning many accolades for Lisa’s Story, his book about his dead first wife, Lisa, Les surprises his alive current wife Cayla with the script for a graphic novel about her. Sure, it’s framed as “finding a new love and new life,” i.e., it’s framed as being post-Lisa, but she’s gotta be excited about that, right?

  • 10/17/14: She’s extremely excited about that, especially when Les promises to take her on an epic, tax-deductible “vacation” to Hong Kong to watch the book get printed!

  • 6/20/15: Eight months later, there’s been no movement on getting the Cayla book published, but Darrin suggests that Les write another damn Lisa book, this time about how Les and Lisa met. They met in high school, actually, which is pretty boring, but that doesn’t stop Les from being hella intrigued:

  • 8/18/15: Les announces that he’s taken Darrin’s advice and will begin “a prequel to Lisa’s Story” and that also oh, by the way, “my publisher has decided to hold off on publishing the book we just finished” (presumably the Cayla book) “and bring them out as epilogue and prologue,” thus cementing Cayla’s status as an epilogue to Les’s actual story with his actually important wife, Lisa, and also postponing the publication of her book and their big vacation to Hong Kong indefinitely.

  • 8/19/15: Even though the Hong Kong trip is off, Les tells Cayla to keep her passport current, because he might whisk her off to Paris at moment’s notice! This never happens.

  • 11/29/15: Les is having some trouble starting on this new book about how he met his dead wife Lisa!

  • 3/3/17: Les is still having some trouble starting on this new book about how he met his dead wife Lisa!

So all that sort of made sense, assuming you’re starting from the premise that Les is a monstrously bad husband, which, duh, but now today’s strip implies that this trilogy/prequel thing is a new idea, and that The Last Leaf (oh, I forgot to mention that Les’s book about Cayla, ostensibly about finding new love and happiness, inexplicably has the awful, death-haunted title The Last Leaf) already came out, and, I dunno, man. I think the important thing is that we never saw Les grappling with the process of writing his Cayla book at all, whereas his new Lisa is book is going to get rehashed over the course of multiple timeline-instances, forever and ever.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/11/17

At last, under a new writer, Rex Morgan is moving away from tales of the Morgans getting huge checks and/or mafia protection and getting back to basics: medical drama! Specifically, drama about dehydration and sleep apnea, some of the least exciting medical conditions known to man. Can’t wait for the six-week exploration of the heartbreak of shingles!

Mark Trail, 3/11/17

“Okay, honey! I was only kidding with you!” says Cherry, with a deadened facial expression that tells us that she was very much not kidding, that she doesn’t even know what the word “kidding” means.

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Mark Trail, 3/9/17

“How is a tetanus shot going to help with bears?” is a great question, Mark, great question, but maybe we should back up a little bit and ask something more basic: how is Doc, who is a “Doc”-tor of Veterinary Medicine, going to get a tetanus shot for Mark, who is ostensibly a human? I know Lost Forest is pretty isolated, but I feel strongly the Trails should get their medical care from professionals who are trained to care for people, not animals. If you ever need a hookup for recreational horse tranquilizers Doc’s your guy, though.

Blondie, 3/9/17

Look on the bright side, kids: in this strip you’re two teenagers spending a lot of time and energy discussing newspaper comic strips, a which is not something anyone would ever stereotype teens doing in the year 2017!

Spider-Man, 3/9/17

As usual, I have more or less lost interest in Spider-Man as it goes through the motions of super-powered combat, but I do feel obliged to acknowledge when the strip comes up with a phrase such as “But now — my cosmi-rod is in position — to be activated!” that is a surefire way to ruin any sexual experience it’s uttered in the midst of.