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Hi and Lois, 9/13/16

One mark of many a sitcom and comic strip with middle-class American characters is the dad working a generic, nonspecific white-collar job at a generic, nonspecific large company of some sort. So shoutout to today’s Hi and Lois for answering multiple decades-old questions in a single strip: Foofram Industries manufactures nuts, bolts, and other fasteners, and Hi is works in its PR department. This should provide lots of opportunities for gags where Hi, dead-eyed and emotionally exhausted, builds up the strength to churn out 500 peppy words about a revolutionary new alloy that Foofram Industries is going to start using in its screws to increase their stress tolerance by a full 8% or whatever. What I’m trying to say is that based on how boring his usual duties must be, Hi should be thrilled about the opportunity to write about something exciting like this lawsuit, which, for the record, Foofram is getting hit with because one of their nuts didn’t fit properly onto one of their bolts, causing the bleachers at a minor league baseball game to collapse, killing twelve people.

Mark Trail, 9/13/16

Having been denied the use of the company credit card to rent a boat, Mark has decided to rent a helicopter (apparently the risk of choppersplosion is already priced into the insurance?) to get to Abbey Powell’s Mysterious Invasive Species Island Which Is Also Volcanic Even Though It’s Near Kauai And Thus Not Really In The Right Spot For That. I’m particularly fond of Mark’s slightly put upon expression in panel three. “Women! Always thinking they’ve discovered signs of invasive species, amiright? And taking so long to get ready for a date? Eh?”

Crankshaft, 9/13/16

So the tale of the kid who fell asleep on Crankshaft’s bus never … actually got resolved? Last we saw Crankshaft was grouchily driving him home while his mother desperately drove by the bus in the other direction, presumably in a panic that her child had disappeared. Anyway, today it looks like the kid never did get reunited with his family and has had to live on the bus ever since, quietly training himself in the violent arts at night and awaiting his day of vengeance. That day … has arrived.

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Don’t forget: I’m selling slightly damaged hardcover copies of my novel, the Enthusiast, for the shockingly low price of $9! Click here for all the details, or just click the button below to buy. UPDATE: Holy cow, against all expectations, I sold out of these! Thanks so much, guys — books will ship out later this week. If you’re looking to buy non-damaged, non-discounted versions, try here or here, or, if you love the Amazonian behemoth, here.

Blondie, 8/23/16

I’m really not sure how to even begin grappling with this strip, in which Dagwood, a man who I’ve always assumed to be not too deep into middle age and in possession of a perfectly healthy set of teeth, sits through a nightmarish sales pitch for some kind of futuristic dental implant technology with a name out of a satirical dystopian sci-fi movie. Maybe his insatiable appetite is leading him into the dangerous world of body modification; once this dentist outfits him with ultra-efficient chewing tech, he’s going to show up at a hospital and demand that he be given gastric bypass surgery “only in reverse.”

Beetle Bailey, 8/23/16

Say what you will about today’s Beetle Bailey, but it does get to an essential truth at the heart of the strip, namely that all the characters are morons who also have access to military weaponry. I think it’s a nice touch that the joke focuses on Zero possibly blowing his own face off and just barely draws our attention to the box of live grenades propped awkwardly on the table, ready to tumble out at the most hilarious/violent moment.

Family Circus, 8/23/16

What character do you most identify with in today’s Family Circus? I’d like to think I’m the guy who’s just out there casually smoking a pipe while he’s sunbathing, but I’m probably more like the kid who thinks that because he’s wearing goggles we can’t tell how eagerly he’s staring at the other kid’s toy boat.

Mark Trail, 8/23/16

So, uh, the staff of Woods and Wildlife Magazine didn’t know invasive species were bad until, like, last year? I’m beginning to have some doubts about their environmentalist bona fides.

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Mark Trail, 8/22/16

Is it sad, Mark? Is it really? Sad for the bats, maybe. Not sad for Woods and Wildlife Magazine’s clickthrough rate. Your article, given the snappy title “It Can’t Be Stopped. It Can’t Be Cured. And It’s Killing Every Bat On Earth” by W&W’s Associate Engagement Editor, saw a huge uptick on social sharing sites, with over 40% of readers scrolling far enough into it to register ad impressions in two different sponsorship zones. Bill’s looking for more Facebook-friendly click-harvesting hits from you — in fact, he’s hoping to get at least two of them out of your trip, tentatively titled “How Invasive Fire Ants Made Our Vacation A Tropical Hell” and “Boatsplosion! [VIDEO]”

Spider-Man, 8/22/16

“Oh, my! You’re looking for me? Hank Pym? The former Ant-Man? However did you track me down to the prominently labelled Pym Annex? Was it by following my nondescript car, which was assigned the ANTPYM license plate wholly by coincidence? I do value my privacy, but of course I’ll sign a glossy photo of myself for you. Oh, you don’t have one? Don’t worry, I have a whole drawer full of them, here at the Pym Annex.”

Funky Winkerbean, 8/22/16

Traditionally, Funky Winkerbean deaths have been agonizingly drawn out, which is why I’m really looking forward to Bull abruptly dropping dead from a rage-stroke by Thursday.