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Momma, 2/22/15

“He doesn’t know the half of it! Why, the Battles of Lexington and Concord were fought by Massachusetts militiamen before I was appointed commander of the Continental Army; the Battle of Saratoga was fought by my subordinates while I was nowhere nearby; and the Treaty of Paris was negotiated by others who I had no authority over, since at that time I was only a military commander, not the chief executive! I don’t deserve to have these pennants hanging up in my office! They just make me feel like a big man! I’m a fraud!”

B.C., 2/22/15

Man, wasn’t it great when Americans were united by utter terror of nuclear annihilation? There definitely weren’t any divisions here at home at all during that period! Thanks for reminding us of this gentler era, Caveman Poet!

Mark Trail, 2/22/15

Despite what this feature might’ve implied last week, you’re probably not being stalked by a terrifying grizzly bear right now. You are surrounded by insects in all directions, though! Horrible, horrible insects. Just look at them! They’re awful monsters.

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/22/15

Hey, remember a couple weeks ago when it looked like there might be some kind of conflict in this storyline? Haha, well, never mind all that!

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Mark Trail, 2/20/15

“It made me think of my own wife! Her name is Hope, and I love her so much I never even mentioned her before now. Definitely I would never take her deep into the swamp where I keep my bog-palace! I mean, people’s wives get kidnapped all the time out here! What kind of monster are you, Mark, bringing your poor wife into this hellhole kidnapping-land?”

Dennis the Menace, 2/20/15

By refuting the basic premises behind harsh prison sentencing, Dennis menaces our modern prison-industrial complex and the culture of retribution that feeds it.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/20/15

Literally Funky Winkerbean is just spending days having representatives of Enormous Midwestern University be smirking dicks to the hapless teens of Westview High. I mean, I guess most people in this strip are smirking dicks to everyone else all the time, but somehow it jumps out more when non-recurring characters do it.

Lockhorns, 2/20/15

I know this is one of those things where just speaking the name summons the thing into existence, but at the moment I am very glad for the Google search results I just got:

Clearly any such stories would include a depth of emotional and sexual cruelty that would put Fifty Shades of Grey to shame.

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Funky Winkerbean, 2/19/15

Funky Winkerbean would like to remind you that life is a desperate scramble for status, and that those who fail to properly credential themselves will find themselves forever resigned to tenuous and economically marginal jobs.

Wizard of Id, 2/19/15

Wizard of Id would like to remind you that control over life and death is at the root of all political authority, and that socially sanctioned murder is the dearest fantasy of those in power.

Mark Trail, 2/19/15

Mark Trail would like to remind you that you can be duped and held at gunpoint by your closest friend, live in terror of your life for days, see a man blown to bits in an explosion, and have your company’s finances thrown into disarray, and just walk back to your office like nothing happened, like the world’s the same as it ever was! Don’t worry, some good press in Woods and Wildlife Magazine will smooth this whole thing over.