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Mark Trail, 11/1/13

Ha ha, that’s a good one, Cherry, but we all know that Rusty doesn’t have any “friends”! Still, the story is plausible enough to satisfy Mark, who after all has managed to come home from his adventure, narrate the entire tale of that time he and a senator grappled with political corruption and then watched a man die, and then sit down to a delicious dinner of whole turkey and white globs before realizing that his beloved ward wasn’t around. Do you think it would’ve taken him this long to notice that Andy was missing? Anyway, that bear has already stumbled upon Rusty’s shallow grave and is right now disposing of the problem, and Cherry knows it’ll be easy enough to find another funny-looking orphan who’ll answer to “Rusty” if he knows what’s good for him.

Archie, 11/1/13

Yup, just another installment in the Terrible Ennui Of Living In Riverdale! “Must be nice to date the captain of the football team!” Betty says to Veronica. “Must be nice to not be inexplicably trapped in the romantic orbit of Archie Andrews, who’s mildly handsome and sort of nice and not particularly smart! God, what a couple of sad chumps we are!” But it turns out Midge finds her romantic links with Moose to be nothing but a crushing embarrassment. Love is nothing but shame!

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Mark Trail, 10/30/13

Good news, everybody! The weird, svengali-like power Johnny Walker held over the poor innocent senator has at last been fully explained, now that he’s a smear of human hamburger at the bottom of a cliff. Fortunately, Johnny’s death will immediately remove this pall hanging over our heroes. Once the authorities learn that Johnny was responsible for all the wrongdoing, and that he died under bizarre circumstances with only the senator and his close friends and family as witnesses, the case will be closed and everything will go back to normal, just like it was before!

B.C., 10/30/13

Normally I’d make fun of this strip for completely abdicating on actually drawing a Miley Cyrus costume and just leaning on “haha, it’s funny because they said ‘twerking'”, but then I thought: do I want to see Team B.C.’s idea of what a teen girl ant wearing a Sexy Miley Cyrus outfit would look like? Does anyone? Answers: No, and, I’m reasonably certain, no. Let’s just enjoy the bullet we dodged. Ha ha, those prehistoric ants just said “twerking,” everybody! They’re just like us!

Family Circus, 10/30/13

I love Dolly’s expression of vague disdain. God damn it, Jeffy, do you want to learn how to huff or not?

Funky Winkerbean, 10/30/13

Ha ha, those army guys sure have a sense of gallows humor and/or complete lack of historical knowledge! Anyway, Cory and his whole platoon are going to die.

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Mark Trail, 10/26/13

Well! We’ve had exciting Mark Trail denouements before, but I’m pretty sure none of them are more exciting than a villain being driven over a cliff to his death by a wounded, suicidal elk. I guess the Mark Trail storytelling machine caught wind of the outpouring of recognition Mary Worth got when that strip sent a plotline’s antagonist over a cliff and lurched into action, coming up with its own death-plummet climax a mere seven years later.

The one you feel really bad for in this scenario is of course Anne Marie, who just saw her fiance die horribly. It’s worth pointing out that Anne Marie is also completely in the dark about her fiance’s evil nature, because women in Mark Trail are (a) not very observant and (b) not told unpleasant facts by men, because a lady shouldn’t worry her pretty little head about such matters. Maybe they still won’t tell her, to protect her! “I’m sorry, Anne Marie, but your fiance is in Man Heaven now. Probably you’ll find a new fiance soon, with your long, pretty hair! Welp, I’m off to Lost Forest.”

Mary Worth, 10/26/13

This week, we’ve heard the story of a teenage boy, homeless after being kicked out of his abusive home, who Shelly helped in her early years at the shelter. That teen hobo eventually grew up to be the upstanding suit-wearing doctor you see before you, thanks to Shelly’s help and guidance. In the shocking conclusion to the tale, we learn that Shelly and Dr. Smith are involved in a sexual relationship so electric that they can’t keep from pawing all over each other, right here in front of the guest that they barely notice anymore. Mary’s eyes are wide with voyeuristic lust in anticipation of the red-hot May-December chocolate-vanilla action she’s about to see.

Gil Thorp, 10/26/13

You may not care for sports, or Gil Thorp, or sports in Gil Thorp, but you really have to appreciate today’s strip, in which Gil and Kaz come up with a coaching plan and grin smugly at each other about it, and then that plan flops spectacularly over two confusingly drawn panels. I’m pretty sure Jimmy Jarbo is pounding himself in the head in frustration over his failure in panel two? Silly, Jimmy, you can’t hurt yourself that way, you’re wearing a helmet! You need to take it off and find a good barky stick.

Blondie, 10/26/13

Herb’s expression in the last panel really sells this strip to me. He’s trying, ever so gently, to steer his best friend away from the massive coronary that’s awaiting him, only to see all his work undone in an instant. “Yes,” says Dagwood, “I do want to eat all my favorite foods at once! Can you blend them up into a viscous slurry and then pour down my gullet through a funnel?”

Crock, 10/26/13

Once upon a time, there was a teenage chicken who was smart enough to learn how to drive a car, but then these guys killed it and ate it, the end.