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Hi and Lois, 9/10/12

I am confused and terrified by the inky blackness out of which the Flagstons’ angry, violent word balloons emerge in panel one. I imagine that, as each meal commences, a designated family member turns off the light, so that the savage battle for conversational supremacy takes place in darkness, which increases the degree of difficulty and bitterness. Or is it meant to represent spiritual darkness? As the family turns on each other for the most petty and pointless of reasons, are to understand that their hatred is so toxic that it has literally blotted out the sun?

Mark Trail, 9/10/12

“Whoa whoa whoa, kid, I didn’t hear anyone say anything like ‘We can take him with us, or shoot him and the adorable puppy now.’ Did you hear anyone saying anything about shooting the dog? What I’m trying to say is that it’s time to hitch the Sassy wagon to a new star. Good luck with that whole getting shot thing!”

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Mark Trail, 8/29/12

Gosh, what are our sheep-killing, camera-stealing, Rusty-menacing doofuses up to now? Just a little light illegal organ harvesting, that’s all! Say, what do you suppose those “other parts” the dark-haired fellow is referring to might be? (SPOILER: Probably aphrodisiacal bear penis.) I also like the way this fellow carefully explains to his friend why his bear-bagging idea is so potentially lucrative. You’d think he’d already know this, but maybe not? “Black market? I … I thought we would just go out and hunt for the sport of it. You know, you and me, in the wilderness, testing ourselves against nature, really getting to know each other … God, I feel like such a fool.”

This isn’t the first time Mark Trail has grappled with gallbladder poaching, either. But then, all Mark Trail characters and plot points return again eventually, in slightly different combinations, following the strip’s dream-logic. Organ harvesting? Indian artifacts? Two dumb guys stealing Rusty’s camera? Every strip is an exercize in déjà vu.

Mary Worth, 8/29/12

Oh, man, this is great! Wilbur has come through a near-death experience and hasn’t deepened spiritually at all; instead, he’s learned that life is short and the time to get his is now. “There’s strong buzz about the disaster! Readers will be interested in my first-person perspective! A showcase piece in the Santa Royale Whosit will catapult me to the network morning news shows, an instant book sold in airports everywhere and, with any luck, a made-for-HBO movie starring Kevin Spacey as me! I’m gonna be rich, rich, filthy rich! Say, I wonder if I should tell Mary that she can stop doing my job for me without pay?” Oh, you’ll wish you did, Wilbur, because it sounds like she’s going to lay a load of heavy meaningfulness on some poor letter writer that’s probably going to ruin all your fun.

On an unrelated note, I dare you to explain how Wilbur’s hands are supposed to be attached to his arms in panel one. In panel two, I already know how Mary’s head is attached to her shoulders: very securely.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/29/12

I guess this is supposed to be about the fire department attempting to draft Snuffy and Lukey and force them to contribute something back to the community they’ve sponged off of for years, but when I first read it I thought maybe our protagonists were about to be burned at the stake.

Beetle Bailey, 8/29/12

YAAAY, PEACE HAS BROKEN OUT EVERYWHERE, THERE’S NOTHING MORE FOR THE ARMY TO DO EVER AGAIN

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Judge Parker, 8/24/12

Last seen tormenting Curtis, Cuss Skunk returns to her rural roots to divert Sam and Avery while the marijuana growers recover Avery’s incriminating photo. @★ω*!!

The outlines of the growers’ nefarious plan are now clear: rather than murder Sam and Avery or steal the camera, they intend to prank them into submission. Watch for the criminals to put makeup on our heroes as they sleep, cut off the toes of their socks, and hoist their underwear up the flagpole. They were going to short-sheet Avery’s bed, but it doesn’t seem to be in use tonight.

Mark Trail, 8/24/12

And in today’s other criminals ‘n’ cameras story, Cherry reveals that her plan to protect Rusty from the sheep-murderers is to hope nothing bad happens. The Game Warden’s plan is to hunker down and rely on Mark Trail. They have an equal probability of success!

Family Circus, 8/24/12

Billy’s decision to join the Hasidim will not sit well back at the Keane Kompound.

Gil Thorp, 8/24/12

Oh hey, another advantage of match play is that once a player is ahead by more holes than are left to play, the match is over — and who doesn’t love less golf? Steve’s delighted that his terrible performance gives him special alone time to pitch his miserable woo to Molly Kinsella: “Hey Molly, will you go out with me now that I’m a documented loser?

Pluggers, 8/24/12

Pluggers are slobs.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/24/12

“Sorry, Melissa — I engaged a lady once, and it didn’t work out well. Not well at all!”

Mary Worth, 8/24/12

Gaaaaaaaah — “Tell me AGAIN?” ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? People came together to help one another, and life is brutal — is that so freaking hard to understand? Sheesh.

Four hairs. There are always and forever exactly four hairs.

— Uncle Lumpy